More-Than-Fine

Love Don't Come Easy?

2012-01-05T10:08:00.001-08:00

I was listening to Adele yesterday and in one of her songs she says "I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart". I paused. Hm. For me, it is the opposite.

2011-10-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

I went into the supermarket the other day to get some soup and a banana for lunch. (Man do I need to go grocery shopping). As I was walking in I saw seasonal decorations, mums, some sort of smelly potpourri, and pumpkins... but wait... double take... the pumpkins were all painted.

Now, maybe I'm old fashioned, but isn't the fun part to get the pumpins and then painting or carving them out yourself? Please tell me parents aren't buying the pre-done Elmo pumpkin instead of painting their own.

Sigh.

2011-10-07T11:02:00.001-07:00

I'd rather be reconciled than be right. (as long as it lines up with scripture)

People are not dispensable.

Guard your heart, but don't build walls to do so.

Love with all your heart and love the way you hope to be loved.

Honesty is healing. Openness cultivates honesty.

Summer

2011-10-06T09:31:00.000-07:00

Along you came

With sunshine in your smile

Let’s live for the moment

Take one day at a time

Those longer days

You sidled up to me

I was comfortable there

In that warmth and safety

Before I could blink

No time to catch my breath

Your sunshine is gone

With the falling of leaves

An Introduction

2011-10-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

I’d like to introduce you to my friend

There’s a lot to tell

Let’s start here:

I know a man

(He’s a poet)

With pen in hand

He says so much

You should read it!

This same man,

(A soulful one)

Likes Coldplay and Coletrane

The Word of God and Mark Twain

You should meet him!

This man I know

(A gentle one)

Treats ladies with respect

And children with love

He impresses me.

The merry gentleman

(He’s a fine one)
likes apple pie

Night walks in July

He showed me My Fair Lady!

This friend of mine

(He’s a good one)

Enriching life

In so many ways

I’m so thankful.

Let me introduce you to my friend

There’s a lot to know.

Let’s start here.

2011-09-18T13:54:00.001-07:00

I''m soaking you up
oh day of rest
of sun and light
of dog and couch

I'm letting you in
you hopeful song
I've cried. I've cheered
You've moved me.

I raise my glass
to this afternoon
no thinking ahead
or longing today

I'm soaking you up
you day of rest
you've been a long time coming.

Thoughts on Walls

2011-09-16T09:04:00.000-07:00

With relationships, there are always going to be walls/veils/fences to knock down, climb over, crawl under, lift up. Both yours and theirs! Love is that decision you make every time you come to one of these. It's you deciding it's worth it to press through...or wait until they are ready for you to.

Body or Machine

2011-07-01T12:56:00.001-07:00

This morning I was thinking about the body... people... family...specifically in relation to a ministry/business that has been close to my heart. I was ... well... showering this morning and I was trying to gather my scattered and confusing thoughts.

My conclusion was that I don't want to and was not made to be part of a machine. We are a created body. God designed us to be so. We need each other. When "we" become a machine... it is a man made monstrosity. When we think we can just unscrew the knee joint or detach the arm or spleen we are sadly mistaken. As a body we will bleed.

2011-06-04T20:46:00.000-07:00

I like to watch this life take shape.
seeing what comes back around
those damn boxes we create
broken down, we break them down

Its fun to watch the puzzle form
pieces gathered one by one
the holes will one day all be filled
when it's done, yes when we're done.

Dog Sitting

2011-06-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

just you and me kid
sacked out on the floor
wandrin' round the town
taking in the smells
no care in the world
just you and me kid
yeah, just you and me

just you and me dude
spooning on the bed
patio breakfast
chomping on our ice
no care in the world
just you and me dude
yeah, just you and me

On the roof

2011-06-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

I breathe it in
the air
the city
here on my roof

They took a chance
to dream
to love
here on my roof

He held her gaze
her hand
her heart
here on my roof

A sunny day
a breeze
a book
here on my roof

A breezy night
a laugh
a nod
here on my roof

Come find me here
come sit
come stay
here on my roof

A Bad Dream

2011-04-07T06:44:00.000-07:00

I've been having some stress related dreams lately... and not getting the best nights of sleep.

Last night I had 2 nightmare-ish dreams. One between midnight and 3:00 am, the other after 4:00 am. The first one I can't remember very well. The second one is very vivid.

I was parking my car on my block in the city. A car pulled up trying to park and I noticed that the space in front of me wasn't big enough so I backed up and motioned for them to come in. Then 3 guys jumped out of their car and into mine... basically attacking me. The one sat on top of me. Somehow I was in the passenger seat... dreams are weird. Anyway, they were being really mean and awful and the one guy said he has had to listen to me and my friends laughter outside of his apartment for too long and he's not going to take it anymore. The next thing I remember was being out of the car on the street and somehow either pushing or punching the one guy so hard he smashed his head on the sidewalk... and died. I don't know what happened to the other guys and don't remember much of the rest of the dream.

When I woke up this morning, the first thought that came to me was I am not going to let anybody steal my joy.

If I could fly

2011-04-04T13:57:00.001-07:00

I posted a question on my facebook last night asking "if you had a plane and access to go anywhere where would you go and what would be your motivation?". This came from my thoughts yesterday about wanting to be in so many places.

I wanted to be home in VT with my family.

I wanted to be in North Carolina with my friend Karen.

I wanted to be in Ethiopia visiting Senait, visiting my friend Yoseph and encouraging some of the Compassion staff there. Learning more about the beautiful people and culture.

My motivation: seeing people I love

When I have the chance for vacation, I almost always go home to VT... even though there are places within a half days drive from here like Washington DC that I haven't been yet and really do want to tour ... I am so much more motivated to be with the people I love that it's not even really an option. While I'm home, I don't do much besides spend time with my family and key friends.

There are places in the world that I want to go and see like Ireland, Australia, Kenya, etc... but I know I'd be inclined to go back to Ethiopia first ... because my heart is already there with the people.

I'm going to Haiti in October. I've been motivated to go there since before the earthquake... I wanted to go visit/help my friends who live there. Then after the earthquake felt a longing to go and knew there was so much to be done and I am a willing candidate. I know, too, that once I go my motivation will go past my friends and their family into others that I meet. I'm quite sure I'll leave some of my heart there, too and find many more people to love.

As much as my motivation to go places is based on love and people... I need to also be motivated by obedience to God. Which, really, obedience goes hand in hand with love ... and will help me not to miss loving more amazing people across the street or across the globe.

Unity

2011-03-22T07:15:00.000-07:00

I got the quote below from our recent prayer focus at Gateway. We were praying for unity in the regional church.

"we are better together and in agreement instead of individual and divided"

Unity: it's needed in teams, our bodies, with dance partners, the church... This is true in so many areas of life. I can't run or dance without my foot in agreement with my body, I can't do my job without my team, and for Christians we don't represent our God well when "the body" is fractured.

For unity to work we have to be going in the same direction. I want to be united with those going in the direction that is pointed toward Love.

Eyes Open/Eyes Shut

2011-02-12T07:39:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in the wifi hot spot here at Sandy Cove while the couples are in their session. I'm helping with worship at a Couple's retreat. I love it because I get the perfect mix of being involved in the worship services and having my own free time. Plus I'm here with Aaron and Sherri and get to spend some time with Stephen and Beth, too.

I got up early enough this morning to catch a picture of the view from my room of "the cove" out here... a beautiful icy sunrise. Right now I'm sitting in front of a wall of windows and looking out on the dock, and can see the line where the ice turns into open water. Just gorgeous. I was thinking about how I'm glad my eyes were open early enough today to catch the sunrise ... and that they are open now; even as I'm typing not even looking at my computer screen.

I love being on worship teams. I have a passion for music and singing. I believe that God is worthy of every ounce of glory, honor and praise we can give and when we raise our voices together I think He finds pleasure in it. When I'm singing, I close my eyes. When I worship, I see better with my eyes shut. I'm just sitting here thinking about what it means to see... the beautiful scenery is appealing to the eyes, but I think it takes more than just eyes to appreciate it. I know that although I can't literally see God when I sing to Him, by closing my eyes and focusing my heart I somehow CAN see Him better.

inspired

2011-01-28T13:59:00.000-08:00

I'm learning by experience that the more time I spend reading The Bible and in God's presence ... the more creative I am in my writing and singing.

Yup. No surprise that the creator of the universe inspires me to be more creative. Sometimes I just need to be reminded.

Fire in the Neighborhood

2011-01-21T03:44:00.000-08:00

There was a major fire in the arts district at local landmark and vintage store, Zap and Co last night. The store is just 2 blocks from my house and was such a treasure. I'm concerned for Rachel's Creperie that neighbored Zap and Co... hopefully they can recover quickly from any smoke and water damage. And, of course, I'm thinking of those in homes and apartments that were affected.

It definitely was too close for comfort, for sure. I walked down twice last night to see and it was surreal to see my neighborhood looking like that. I took a couple of pictures with my phone... I'm thankful for the people who were out there serving the community on the fire, rescue, police and other logistical crew.

Life is short... what a reminder. Yesterday I was thinking about how time flies ... this brings it to an even more serious perspective.

2011-01-19T03:34:00.000-08:00

Last night I was looking through a recent journal. It was full of creative doodles, sermon notes scribbled excitedly, my own lyrics and poetry... some of it was actually quite good. Most of it was written during times of prayer or reflection with God. I realized I haven't created on that level in quite some time.

Our church has set aside the first few weeks of the year to devote to God. Last week was the time I chose to do some fasting, praying, be more intentional about getting deeper into scripture. It was quite a week. I had some very obvious struggles on day 1... major car issues, family health issues, etc. As the week went on, I saw the struggles become less obvious externally but more difficult internally... issues of pride, recognizing how I have not been nourishing my soul well, etc. God is so good to show me these things. As the week went on I saw blessings and very obvious answers to prayer. I was also waking up in the middle of the night with songs in my heart ... and they were staying there. It was great. That was just last week. Yesterday I almost wanted to start fasting again, just to get my heart back in such a focused state.

Honestly, it doesn't take long for me to get distracted. I didn't make any resolutions going into 2011, but my sincere desire is to be healthy and consistent. To be filling my soul, body and mind with good things so that I am in that place where songs and creativity is pouring out of me on a regular basis. I am happy that in a lot of ways I have maintained a certain level of health, but I'm ready for more growth and more fruit in my life.

AHA

2010-11-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

So, I'm here helping lead worship at Sandy Cove this weekend. What a great time... at first the fact that I am here as a single in a place filled with couples was a little awkward. The first night's topic was "Holy Sex" so needless to say I've had plenty of time to do my own thing while the couples get some great teaching and motivating. :) (though I've learned a few things for future, too)

Yesterday morning I had some quiet time and headed back to Romans 12. I'd been focusing on the verses about love recently, but my attention went back to the first couple of verses. It was perfect timing . (see previous post).

Romans 12:1-2 " Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

It's my job to take the time to offer my life to Him (body, mind and soul) in order for Him to renew my mind. From there, He is going to help me with figuring out His will, His timing, and THAT will be balanced.

Lord Grant Me Balance

2010-11-04T14:01:00.000-07:00

I have two different blog thoughts on the same topic... one that kept me up half the night last night and one that had me in tears today at my desk.

Today I posted a fun/cute little Muppets video on facebook ... because it's fun and cute and the song was in my head. Moments later I looked at pictures from Haiti and was weeping. I then felt like pulling down my cutesy little video post. I know, I know... but that's how I felt. I'm having a lot of trouble with the "rejoicing with those who rejoice and mourning with those who mourn" thing. I'm also having trouble quieting myself to know what God strategically wants me to do NOW. I think there is a real actual plan in motion for next Fall... but what now?

Then I saw these Lyrics:

Matthew West - My Own Little World (2010 Video & Lyrics)

Other thoughts... last night I was thinking about how I can be so drastic with my time investments. I'm either spread so thin I can't breathe or I am all in with either Dancing, Running, Church stuff, House of Prayer, Social stuff (often lunch/dinners out), Running, etc... but not balanced. I had backed out of time commitments at the House of Prayer to have some non-scheduled space in my life... but immediately filled it with tons of social stuff. The same with dancing and exercise... so I find myself in this place of constantly trying to evaluate what is important. Right now the pendulum has swung too far away from my time investment into physical activity and I KNOW that needs to be in my priorities... but When I put them in a list I think it should go:

God
Relationships
Health

But then I think... they are all wrapped up together... so now what.

Then I go back again to wanting to drop it all and pick up and go do something to help people who have real needs beyond too hectic of a social calendar.

Lord, give me balance.

Matthew West - My Own Little World (2010 Video & Lyrics)

The Power of Two

2010-10-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

I spend my Saturday mornings at Gateway House of Prayer. I had taken several weeks off ... had been off since my hospital stay earlier this summer until a few weeks ago. (I felt strongly that I needed to find some space on my schedule to not "be" anywhere in particular).

Today I was at Gateway for 4 hours because I was there for my normal 2 hour time block and then stood in for a friend. I have to admit leaving home this morning I wondered how I was going to do with 4 hours pretty much alone with God and my thoughts in an empty room. Though there are several times a week that there are worship teams and other people in the room ... usually Saturday mornings there are only a couple of us at most... many times I'm there alone or singing while my friend plays keyboard.

As expected, I got some CDs set up and headed straight for the wall map with my Bible and journal and began to pray. I knelt down and prayed and wept, was thankful and was pleading... tears, snot and all. After a while... I heard someone come in the room and come over to me. This guy asked if he could join me to agree together in prayer. I said of course and he asked me if I could verbalize what I was praying about ... so I told him I was praying for the nations, especially Ethiopia and Haiti because my heart has been broken for these countries. He admitted that his heart was inclined to pray for families this morning but that he'd follow my lead for a while then take a turn to lead the direction of our prayers. It was awesome. Praying out loud with Joe enabled me to verbalize and express more to God and also to convey what was on my heart to another human being. It was awesome to hear him pray with intensity and catch some passion to pray for Haiti and Ethiopia too. We prayed together at least an hour and a half. When he left, both of our hearts were expanded and we were energized. Not that this was anywhere near the first time for this for me... but this was a morning that I really saw how God used praying together to move us beyond our own agendas and open our eyes to other needs. It also helped fuel my prayers and time with God for the next couple of hours.

Matthew 18: 18-20 “I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”

Changing

2010-10-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

So I decided that my blog name was ridiculous... so I changed it... from closer to fine to more than fine. It seems slightly more appropriate. I'm so much more than fine. Let's be honest. I'm blessed. Ridiculously and amazingly blessed... come what may.

I just got done google mapping and zooming in on Addis Ababa. I then went and looked at pics that my friends posted from their trip to pick up their beautiful adopted daughter in Ethiopia. I guess I wanted to see some familiar sights that weren't my own pictures. I then re-watched a video from my trip. Tonight I'm going to an Ethiopian restaurant.

My feelings right now are mixed. I saw the need and poverty side of the country. I also saw so much beauty, love, culture, green rolling hills, etc etc. A lot that I hadn't expected to see and connect with. I remember the varied smells of incense, bonfire, charcoal, exhaust, and other smells, sometimes yucky but mostly amazing. I remember that the traffic "patterns" seemed crazy and I couldn't imagine how anyone drove there. I remember being a little nervous every time I entered a different restroom not knowing what I'd find. I remember big brown eyes, high cheek bones, hugs and kisses... people being everywhere, it seemed. I remember feeling very safe because of the leaders of our team both from in and out of country. I remember loving every food I tried... though i admit I didn't try raw beef and probably won't.

I will continue to focus my attention on what Compassion is doing and with more fervor. I'm so so so excited about the opportunities they are giving to the people all over the world...especially my little friend Senait. I'm also taking some time now to think more about how I have been impacted personally by my trip. Now that my responsibility from the work angle is pretty much finished... I have a lot of thoughts to sift through. I still tear up at random times and look forward to opportunities to chat with others who have been or are going to Ethiopia. Confession: I applied for frequent flier miles on Ethiopian Airlines ... just in case. I also look at the people in my own city differently and wonder to myself where home was for them before living here.

I'm looking at the map differently now, too... having never been really anywhere before... the shapes mean something different now. There is a huge map of the world covering a wall at Gateway House of Prayer and I have headed straight for it the last few times I've been there to pray, focusing on Africa, Bangladesh, Haiti, and Albania specifically because of my connections to people there. Some of my prior thinking about giving, need, enough, aid, love, politics, grace, and more is being challenged in good ways.

Now I'm thinking about what's next... both in a day by day way and long term. We were challenged the other week at church to ask God for what we want... Not in the material way... but in the who do I want to be, what do I want to be defined by way. I thought in the direction of love. I want to love with all that I am in whatever way that means. I have a lot of learning and changing to do but I think there are a lot of exciting ways to walk this out. More to come....

Ethiopia Adventures

2010-10-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

I have been doing most of my blogging at my "work blog" but do plan to do some deeper thinking blogging here, too. For now, please visit this blog for pictures, stories, and more.

Adventure #1

2010-09-25T10:25:00.000-07:00

So here I sit at my gate... in Harrisburg, PA... and I've already had an adventure. When I went through security, first of all I forgot to take my laptop out of the case... well then my case was all suspicious. I inherited the bag and it already had a broken handle... so I use the strap to carry, no big deal. Apparently, though... there was a big metal bar in there all dislodged that was part of the support for the handle that broke. It definitely looked suspicious. The guards let me through and tried to pull it off, but agreed that I'd probably have issues the rest of my trip. What to do, what to do? I came to my gate and started fooling with it... possibly making the other passengers wonder what the crap I was doing. So, I walked back over to security to play with it more, hoping for some help. And, yay ... 2 security guys ended up helping me dislodge it... they even opened up the confiscated stuff safe and got some pliers out to help... and it worked.... so the lining of my laptop bag is ripped, but hopefully that will be much less of a suspicious issue than this foot long piece of metal was. :) I think people's prayers are already working... because this would probably have been a much bigger issue later on in the trip. So now I wait to board. I haven't even left PA yet, lol.

Here I Go.

2010-09-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

I'm biding my time for the next 54 minutes until Aaron and Sherri pick me up to head to the airport. Today I fly to Africa. Oh. My. Goodness. I'm so excited. I am trusting God to equip me for what I need to do while I'm there. I trust that God will keep me healthy. I trust that He will be with me every step of the way and teach me many things. What an adventure this will be.

2010-09-10T13:54:00.001-07:00

This cycle suspicious

Can pain be nutritious?

Life is better felt

Faced and dealt with

not hidden in illusions

mirages

Or masks

Agony Bests Apathy

2010-09-10T13:53:00.001-07:00

I’m not gonna lie

And try to tell you

It will only be uphill from here

But this journey, this life

Will end with a friend

Revealing life’s

worth every fear

Reminder of What's Coming!

2010-09-10T12:38:00.000-07:00

I have an itchy welt on my left arm reminding me that I'm traveling to a foreign land in a couple of weeks. I got my yellow fever vaccination and my malaria meds... wee. I couldn't believe all the vaccination possibilities there are. Wow. Glad I'm not very fearful otherwise I could have thrown down a ton of cash on all the suggested shots.

It weirds me out a little/makes me sad/confuses me that I have all these vaccines available to me while so many in the world do not. One shot and a few pills and I should be good to go for the most part.

So whew... exciting. I have to admit as each thing has gotten checked off the list I have breathed a sigh of relief. Sometimes when something this amazing comes we (well at least I) can have the tendency to wait for the bottom to drop out of it... not always... I'm pretty optimistic, but still. Fear of disappointment pops up now and again. Getting my Dr's consent signature out of the way was the biggie. YES!!! Take that digestive issues and weird thyroid ... you don't run the show. Seriously, though... so thankful that as God has put a desire in my heart to go and see and learn and impact the world that He is making a way.

2010-09-09T14:10:00.000-07:00

Run ragged by the self of me
that doesn’t want to miss a thing
Or a beat
Or get beaten for that matter
By whom or what I don’t know
I’m not competitive really
More contemplative, to be honest
Just don’t want to be the one who isn’t
Or didn’t
Or missed it
Or wasn’t.

2010-09-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about my "bag of bills" and other random paperwork that I really need to go through. I've been carrying it around every day, but not doing anything with it... and combined with other thoughts this came out...

************

I know you have regrets that you don’t like to speak of

Worries you can’t quite voice

There’s a weight on your back like a 2x4

You wear it like you have no choice

You don't have to carry them around all the time

Like the bills you just can’t pay

Glancing at the debt every once in a while

Hoping they'll all go away

Like wearing a sling when your arms not broke

Like a bandage without the blood

The burden of the lies you’ve told yourself

Is a blister where no shoe has rubbed

Always -

2010-09-03T06:33:00.001-07:00

Last night we had rehearsal with our worship team and it was a really powerful night for me (even after the technical difficulties)... I needed it. I was still thinking about some lyrics to the song "You Won't Relent" when I got home and wrote something...

Many waters
many floods
cannot quench
what always was
ever is
still shall be
an "us" to span eternity

Not one person
No other friend
provides a love
that never ends
never started
always was
Forever with me
Always us.

Happy Anniversary Aaron and Sherri

2010-09-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

It was 2 years ago this coming Monday that Aaron and Sherri were married. I will never forget the look that Aaron had on his face when Sherri walked down the aisle... pride, joy, awe, excitement, responsibility... it was really really wonderful to see.

I have loved Sherri since I met her. In fact, when they had just started dating... Aaron told me he could envision Sherri and I being friends even if their dating relationship didn't last. He was right ... I love Sherri. I love the way she loves my brother AND my family. I love that she is the perfect wife for Aaron and that God gave them to each other at just the right time... and since I never had a sister, now I have the next closest thing!!!

I'm so excited for my brother and his wife as they celebrate their anniversary this weekend!!! Praying for all their dreams to keep coming true as they hold them open handed to God.

Seasonal Change

2010-09-01T08:21:00.000-07:00

The season is changing
it's felt in the air
in the clouds sky and leaves
everywhere

Time has a pattern
the tick of the clock
it resonates in every step
that we walk

A season is changing
from diner to shore
from rivers and creeks
to a now open door

Expectations of summer
the temperatures past
float down with the leaves
who's color won't last

It doesn't quite matter
how much we prepare
for the change of the season
the weight of the air

All seasons keep changing
for thats what they do
bringing life, bringing death
while cycling through

The passing of time
from minute to day
reminds us that seasons
were not meant to stay

Better Late? Late Better?

2010-08-30T12:03:00.000-07:00

I was sitting here thinking about how I'm doing a lot of my most summer-y fun stuff here at the end of the summer. (and thinking I sure wish I had time to play hookie this week). I almost started grumbling and getting sad about it. But you know, I have savored the past couple of weekends. I played in the waves and strolled the boardwalk last weekend like a child (literally was told by my friends that I looked like a little kid in the waves). I swam around in the lake yesterday with my friends children, dove off the dock, drank sangria and delicious blackberry wheat ale, clung to the tube for dear life and had chill, summer fun. I wonder if the water felt more refreshing, the sangria sweeter and the conversations more meaningful because they were extra special? I think maybe. So. I'm going to be glad for those few special summer moments had and the ones still to come the next couple of weeks as I look ahead to Autumn and it's crisp, cool wonderfulness!

***i did have a lot of other fun summer moments... but I LOVE the water so I was mostly referring to the lack of days on the water that I realized I missed. :)

2010-08-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

Our message at church this past week by Chris Weber inspired me to write this:

My life’s not up and to the right
In fact most times I’m wrong
To walk a mile in my shoes
To you, may not seem long
An hour can be forever
A year feel like a breath
Each step we take does bring us
One day closer towards our death
Though I am not discouraged
In fact I walk with joy
Though troubles come and life can suck
I never am destroyed
I’m carried through each trial
There’s light down paths I fear
With whispers of forever
Always spoken in my ear
The friend who sees my turmoil
The one who reprimands
Is that same friend who walked it first
In fact He understands
My life’s not up and to the right
Nor neither was my Lords
Who walked this road and paid a price
I never could afford.

Signals

2010-08-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

Is it the nose that itches or the eye that twitches
I get confused between the two
Is it you that is thinking of someone
or they who are thinking of you

When my palms get sweaty should I get ready
For good things to come my way
Is the anticipation part of the equation
Allowing the good thing to stay?

The energy, tension, the change of direction
The guessing, the wondering the doubt
The process of knowing, and learning and growing
While trying to reason this out.

2010-08-24T14:58:00.000-07:00

Worlds colliding
Intersecting
Ribboned memories
Projecting
Thoughts from your minds movie
Scenes from seas to city streets

You who were
Is someone else
He who was
Is not the same

Life’s like a revolving door
You can’t go back the way you came

Time is breaking
Hearts escaping
Moments, Memories
In the making
Thoughts from your minds movie
Scenes from home to yonder town

What was once important
Is now a fleeting thought
Yesterday’s a day behind
Today is now, tomorrow’s not.

"Getting My Crap Together"

2010-08-23T11:51:00.001-07:00

I'm fairly careful with my language ... well, for the most part. I realized this weekend how often I use the word "crap". It became sort of a joke; but I thought... hm, there are far better words I could be using. More descriptive. Funnier. Less that refer to bodily functions. Crap...I don't want to be a potty mouth.

A Song?

2010-08-19T11:16:00.001-07:00

Loving You (I picture this being a song building with intensity)

If I could be in charge of just one thing
And it was up to me to choose
My choice would be to love you
To love you. To love you.

If I had one purpose one sure duty
Just one thing for me to do
I’d live my life to love you
Just Love you. Just love you.

I was made for this
I was made for this
I was made for this
I was made for this

I want to be found perfecting What it’s like to give myself to you
I will drop what I am doing just to give to give to give to you.

Perfect this love
Perfect this kiss
This is my purpose
This is my wish.

I was made for this
I was made for this
I was made for this

Flip Flops and Heels... Or... I'm Too Sexy for These Shoes

2010-08-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

Yes. I’m writing a blog about shoes… well sort of.

I was thinking about shoes. I LOVE my flip - flops and sandals… I live in them over the summer and probably inappropriately during the other seasons of the year. I like that they are easy. They are comfortable. Don’t require much thought. Easy to take off and put on. Are always there when I want them (usually by my bed or my door). I don’t mind if they get a little dirty/messed up because they are cool with that. They are wonderful.

What about heels? Ok, I am not super dressy, but this girl likes a sexy pair of heels with the right little dress. J They are usually treated with extra care. Exciting. Noticed. Mostly worn with a planned out outfit. I like them. Guys do too. (I think I’ve heard they were designed by men because of how they make women’s legs look. It’s true, they do make our legs look extra great.)

I’ve tried to classify myself… am I a flip-flop or a high heel? You know what? I’m not picking! What’s wonderful about being a woman? You can wear both. You can own both… You can BE both a flip - flop and a strappy heel. You can wear a skirt with flip - flops or a pair of jeans with stilletos. Whichever I wear… I’m just gonna rock em… or just kick them off and have happy, sexy, naked feet.

Event Relationships

2010-08-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

One of the things about music festivals that I most look forward to is seeing those people that are like family that I get to do these events with. I was thinking about it last night... it is wonderful and yet terrible. There are people that I look forward to seeing all year and then only get to have maybe one (possibly) decent conversation and then a bunch of quick hello's as we bump into each other on our way to our next task. There's still comradery just in that; but for me it's hard. I also have acquired some sort of festival A.D.D. where I can't stay in one place or have one conversation for very long before I have to DO something... so it's just nuts. Even if I'm sequestered in an office for the most part of the festival... I still feel antsy and have trouble concentrating on conversations.

I wonder what to do with that? Facebook is good for keeping tabs on each other, but yeah... I'd love to be able to keep in GOOD touch with everyone. Unfortunately I realize it's just not realistic. Heck, my brother commented the other day on how long it has taken to find a free night to have dinner together...

So, it's a good problem... having the opportunity to meet and get to know so many amazing people... just hard to know how to properly invest into everyone. Plus I'm not much of a small talker... I'd rather TALK then just talk... know what I mean?

Pleasure?

2010-08-08T11:43:00.001-07:00

I've heard myself use the words "guilty pleasure" a lot lately... in reference to a song, movie, reality show, drink... or some such... whatever. AKA... soft serve ice cream cones from McDonalds... 1.05 with tax, low in calorie... mmm... guilty pleasure.

But I don't really find much pleasure in guilt (nor do I want to)... and don't usually ACTUALLY feel guilty. Soooo maybe I need to come up with some other phrases for those things like:

I feel sheepish that I "X"
I know I'm ridiculous but I ...
I admit it... I know all the lyrics to
I shamelessly...
I like to "X". Guilty as charged... (is using guilty in this way the same, hm?)

Or...uh, over analyze much? Perhaps.

Noticing

2010-08-06T07:09:00.000-07:00

I have this one neighbor ... huge family that we (my roommate and I) have lovingly dubbed the Russian mafia just because of all the people coming and goingsin their house... and they are Russian.

The man of the house is usually outside smoking, puttering around and watching the goings on of the neighborhood. Very nice... has helped me shovel out before, etc. The other day I was coming home from somewhere and he communicated to me (he doesn't speak much english) that he had noticed I was sick... but that I look better... and had a concerned look on his face...kind of miming that I was weakly stumbling around and then kind of showed he was glad I was better. wow. I was touched... Today as I was rushing out the door to my car, I was thinking about that and hoping if the shoe was on the other foot that I would have taken the time to notice and to say something, too.

in other amazing news

2010-07-27T14:03:00.001-07:00

I will be using my passport in September.

never alone

2010-07-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

Life has been insane lately... I think most of the people that read this blog know that I've had some crazy health stuff going on that threw me for a loop the last few weeks... so I won't re-hash it all right now... we're all probably tired of those details. I know I am.

However, I do not tire of saying how freaking, amazing, wonderful and a plethora of other adjectives and adverbs my friends and family are. I am surrounded by love. I know that it all flows through my God... and through the people that are in my life. As alone as I felt when I was sick and confused at why... as much as I cried out "God, what am I supposed to do?"...I also had that inner knowing that I was cared for and carried.

I like this pic of the person being carried away by balloons...it also reminds me of "UP" which I watched with my brother in the hospital... and I will never forget that, for many reasons. Including the huge super cool card he made me and the way he has been so so good to his big sister.

consolation

2010-06-14T07:43:00.000-07:00

According to the Mary Kay lady, I have droopy eyes. Consolation: the nice way of saying that is "Bedroom Eyes".

I feel a little like this today

2010-06-08T13:18:00.001-07:00

Doing New Things

2010-06-04T16:10:00.000-07:00

Life has been a whirlwind lately... I do a pretty decent job of keeping my calendar full just about to the point of ridiculousness with all the stuff on it... but I do have to say I'm excited about the way life has been lately... I've gotten to do a lot of new things... like backpacking/biking camping, learning some home improvement stuff while helping Chris and Melody with the new house... and tomorrow is my first 5 mile race. What am I thinking... aaaah. A little nervous, but have made it my motto lately not to say I can't do anything.

I'm also wondering about some of the new things I'm doing... gee couldn't being able to rough it, knowing how to do some basic construction, and getting into shape be beneficial for me when I take that missions trip I'm GOING to take. Not sure what to do next with that whole scenario. I feel like I've put it out there to one of the key people that I wanted to, so now I need to figure out what's next, and wait, and pray... we shall see.

2010-05-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

Why do I ignore my anchor
Floating round my destiny
Acting like I’m compassless
Equipped yet lost at sea

I threw my anchor deep today
It found the rocky ground
My support is sure and strong
I won’t be tossed around

Tension and Counter Balance

2010-05-04T07:35:00.001-07:00

Last night I was at York Swing Dance Club’s monthly blues lesson/clinic. Blues dancing, like most dance, relies heavily on connection and chemistry. To even begin to get there, tension and counter balance are key. I’ve been taking lessons for a little while in this specific dance and some of the areas I struggle with are being patient (not assuming I know where the lead is trying to take me), keeping the tension (keeping my hold firm and “sitting into” the position), and reading the leads tension to give back the same counterbalance. The stretch/tension is actually the best part but sometimes we/I want to rush past it to find the next part of the move…

As I was laying in bed falling asleep last night; I started thinking about how much these lessons can be taken into other aspects of life and how I struggle with similar things there, too. Just like in dance, there’s always more to learn in order to really fully experience every beat of life.

Conflict and Direction

2010-04-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

I just returned from "An Evening with Donald Miller". It was a totally different "lecture" than the last time I saw him. The last time was more story telling/fireside chat...This one was more academic... being held at Messiah, he catered in that student/teacher/scholarly direction. Very thought provoking... but again touching on the issues of our lives as stories with conflict. That being a Christian doesn't remove the conflict from the story. That God doesn't "control" us on purpose because love is not controlling. He Shepherds us, but doesn't desire to control us...per se. He gives us our lives with a big piece of burlap paper to color on... Our lives are all about relationship with him. Many many many good and challenging things.

I'm left thinking about my story again. i'm excited that I'm out living it. I'm excited that God gives us all these amazing things to do with Him and yes, sometimes He very clearly lets us know that we should turn left... and sometimes He hands us a map and says, where do you long to go? What do you long to do? I want to go with you.

Running and Finishing

2010-04-26T12:05:00.001-07:00

I finished my first 5K race on Saturday... the YWCA Race Against Racism. It was awesome... the massive crowd of runners, the nervous excitement before the race, running with my friend Tandy and my sister in law and friend Sherri, seeing so many friends out on race day, the overwhelming support of my brother and friends, but of course... finishing was the best part. 35:45 was my time. I was happy with that. My first 5K race and I had only ever run that distance one other time... so it was a big deal. I have another one this coming Saturday and plan to keep running consistently and training to run 5 miles as my next goal and also to cut time off my 5K. I will keep running.

Misty Edwards has a song "I Will Run". Some of the lyrics are " I will run the race set before me. I will seek Your face As the prize of my life. All I want is You
All I crave is You. My – soul – pants - for - God - and - God - alone". I actually was thinking of this while I was running... when I felt like quitting... not this specific song, but that I am running this race that I cannot and will not quit on. This faith walk with God. With Him as the prize in the end and also Him as my biggest cheer leader! All I want is You or the things that flow from you.

Opening the Door

2010-04-23T10:12:00.000-07:00

I FINALLY went to the Perfunctory Court office (like using that word) and registered for my passport. There's something about having that step done... I have no details worked out yet for travel, yet I feel like finally making this move is a huge step forward to me...like cracking open the door to missions. The money involved in a passport isn't much for most people, but for me it is.

So now I need to start gathering details... I have friends in mind to talk to. I didn't want to talk to certain missionary friends of mine before I was truly serious. I don't want to be "that person" who says yeah, it would be great to go and then never does. I'm sure they hear that all the time. So now what? Well pray...of course... that's a given and a constant. But what practical things do I need to do to start a plan? I can get bogged down with the unknown of details... or even the known... which is why I can sometimes have money in the bank and not pay a bill on time... or was going to get a tax refund but waited until the last minute to file... Weird, eh.

So anyway... a step, an action, a move has been made... now getting over the threshold.

Shutters

2010-04-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

Shutters

Open close open close
Doors like shutters flutter

What was yes becomes a no
What once was no is wait
Just wait
For now

Open close open close
Hearts like doors are hinged

What I hope and what I dream
What I first claimed as mine
Is mine
No more

Open shut open shut
Eyes like windows close

What I see is only part
What’s truly meant to be
Will be
In time.

Doors

2010-04-21T14:01:00.001-07:00

So, remember yesterday... you know that whole new mercies thing. Totally true. :) Where one door closes, one opens...

In fact, my one friend (that I apologize to for my attitude) responded to my apology and said "i don't say this to be trite, but i do believe that your time is coming. a time where the Lord will open up doors that you've wanted opened for a long time - and doors that you forgot you wanted opened :)"

So here has been my last 24 hours...

My run last night was literally a God send. JUST what THE Dr ordered. I spent a little time practically vomiting all over God and then just shut up and that was the best part. Not only did I literally pound out the junk with God on the sidewalk, I finally managed to run an entire 5K. Woo hoo.

Worship at Gateway House of Prayer last night... musically nothing spectacular on my end... in fact I made some mistakes... but was FULL of joy... and purpose. Jimmy spoke on creating a Highway for God and I am all over it. I need to go back and listen to the message again because it really spoke to my heart. I am available. I want to advance the Kingdom.

Today... new attitude. Happy. Laughing. Feeling purposeful. 2 significant possible opportunities popped up from out of nowhere to do things that I love and things that God has been asking me to do. It was like God said listen ... let me open and close the doors.

Being Plowed

2010-04-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of those weeks where I am very aware of the state of my heart. Today as I was driving around running errands for work, I realized I am a garden and God is doing some plowing...some digging around. I asked Him to, so why am I surprised? But ow.

It's like I can almost physically feel Him "mucking with" the roots of pride, jealousy, envy, etc etc. To the point that I literally am nauseated with myself. Wow. I mean, I'm literally disgusted with my thoughts and where I can see them coming from. God... do what I've asked and refine me. Make me a garden where your fruit can grow and become ripe and beautiful and delicious.

Tonight I'm going for a run after work. I'm anxious to pound out some of my frustrations on the pavement...and talk to God about this process... Keep humbling me. Don't let me shorts fall off or anything... but do what you will.

Writings

2010-04-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

The two most recent things I wrote come from such different places...

The first one, I wrote while at Gateway House of Prayer...to God.

Overtake Me

Everything goes 80 miles per hour
Everyone runs as if chasen
May my running be toward you
my movement be for you
and all of my heart overtaken

The second one... I had an image from a past experience in my head... and some memories...
Did You Have To?

Oh no, oh no
Say it isn’t so
I can’t bear to watch you go
I can’t stand to hear your feet
Walk away so sad and slow

I had a feeling it’d end this way
I had a hunch you wouldn’t stay
But oh not today… not today.

Oh my, oh my
Not time for goodbye
While reds and pinks flood the sky
While lips and arms still tingle
Did you have to take me so high
To bring me down so low

more love

2010-03-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

I want to love better. I am loving but I don't always manifest it. For example... I would tell you that I love everyone... when in fact there are people I don't act loving toward at all. There are people I ignore, laugh at, snub, disdain... what's that all about? My desire in my heart of hearts is to be real and to love authentically. I do realize that I'm not Jesus... His love never fails. Mine will. But I know that it has a lot more potential.

35

2010-03-25T06:55:00.001-07:00

Wishing I hadn't waited 35 years to figure it out... and hoping that I keep it up another 35.. or however long I have left to live.

bottomless pit?

2010-03-23T10:25:00.000-07:00

Today I feel like I could literally eat a horse. I won't though. :)

reminded again

2010-03-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

This morning I had breakfast with my friend Laura. It was great to start my Monday a little late, enjoy some delicious coffee and fruit/yogurt parfait at Prince ST Cafe... but most importantly to sit and talk with Laura.

Laura spent a year in Haiti teaching at the YWAM base in St. Marc. When I shared about God stirring some things in my heart with her about missions (specifically to Haiti) several weeks ago, she was quick to say... we need to sit down and talk. I want to hear all about what God is doing. Laura is so good at encouraging and listening and asking questions. We realized we have some more personality traits in common than we realized as we talked about sometimes getting bogged down by the details (for example I still need to get my passport)... which is step 1. lol.

But it was so good. I made the decision not to look at my watch/phone for the time even though I knew I didn't want to be too late for work... so we were there over an hour and it was good. (I think getting into a culture where you spend less time caring about time would be good for me)

I was reminded to remember what God started stirring in me. To keep it before Him and ask questions. To be open in my spirit to whatever comes next, and to take some time to sit and chat over coffee and forget about the rest of the world and it's pull every once in a while.

Reminded

2010-03-19T13:27:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to the Awake Tonight Tour concert. It was the first time in a while I have been to one of "our" concerts. I used to always go... but haven't so much as of late. I think it was really good and important for me to be there. I was reminded to appreciate what I am a part of here at CMI and WJTL.

The concert was so good. All 3 bands were quailty. The stage performances were impressive and high energy... and the message was present. Jesus did not get forgotten amidst all the crazy flames, lights, video and various stage changes. The message was loud and clear.

It's an interesting balance when you work behind the scenes not to forget to appreciate what we are actually doing out there! I don't think it's a bad thing that I don't get out to everything as much as I used to... I've learned the balance of having a life and friends outside of work. :) But, I do think it's key to get out and see what we're doing to remember there are thousands of faces behind the mailings, emails, phone calls, etc. etc. etc.

Yesterday

2010-03-10T06:35:00.000-08:00

... could easily have become a bust... My legs were sore from the previous days work out, I felt guilty for eating crap at lunch, I didn't feel super productive at work, had to pay a parking ticket of $45, had to eat humble pie in dropping off my rent check late (and gave it to the babysitter), I hit a curb and busted my tire and had to buy a new one.... uuuuugh.

I also got some news about a friends health that was not really encouraging...

HOWEVER... it was a gorgeous sunny day. My friend Chris who I might as well call my big brother (even though we are not related, and he is younger than me)... helped me change my tire to a spare. This was no easy feat considering how tight and rusty the bolts were!

Oh... and I had the best run of my life... I'm on the 1st Run of Week 5 in my 9 week program... This one was (3) 5 minute intervals of running and I felt great... next run is (2) 8 minutes and the third will be a 20 minute run! Woo Hoo. I felt so alive and happy out there.

Then, at Gateway House of Prayer last night I heard God clearly speaking to my heart, reminding me I am never outside of His Love. Reminding me that my friends are never outside of His love. The suffering in Haiti and all over the world are never outside of His Love.

So, yesterday was trying and frustrating, but also a really really amazing day.

naive or cynical?

2010-03-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

I was sitting here at my desk thinking, hmph... (rather smugly)... I'd rather by naive than cynical... and was preparing to get my thoughts together and blog about it... but then I remembered that we are to be "wise as serpents/harmless as doves"... with faith like a child, innocent but not lacking judgement...Hm still processing... but my point was I do NOT ever want to become cynical... that I do know.

Love, Wisdom and Creeps

2010-02-28T13:39:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to process some thoughts about my attitude when it comes to people who are "creepy"... now to be clear... I don't mean people I find unattractive or people that are different... I mean people that say things that are inappropriate/make me uncomfortable or in the case of the dance scene...people that I can tell are not treating me with respect...

Yesterday I felt like God was trying to get me to think about my heart attitude. It's a tricky thing. I know that it's we need to use wisdom (especially as women) with our boundaries and how we interact with people who seem to have questionable intentions toward us. There are people I've dealt with at dancing that I've had to come to a place where I won't dance with them because too many comments were made about watching my body, too many uncomfortable dance moves, etc... I have come to a place where I think it's ok and right to say no to a person that makes me feel uncomfortable. In fact I have addressed it on one occasion and made it clear that I didn't appreciate the comments, and it happened again... so. But still... how should my heart feel toward this person, or people in general that give me the creeps? I'm supposed to love them. I'm trying to find that balance of loving with wisdom... not detesting the person... but not making myself vulnerable... man that's tricky.

Yesterday I was out for a run... mid day... totally safe time of day... and I passed 2 men. I smiled at them... just smiled... and after they passed me they made some comment about swinging my hips.... I got so angry... but then wondered... how am I supposed to feel toward people like that. I'm supposed to love them... I can be disgusted by their conduct... but how do I love them. Wow, it's hard. How does God do it... love us... who totally treat him with disrespect...in all of our sin and disgusting creepiness sometimes. Wow. It's tough. I can only do it with His help.

2010-02-23T12:53:00.001-08:00

There is talk of a possible blizzard this weekend... and I am whirling around the office like a 2 year old. I must be nuts. I know that if it happens it will mean hours of work, hours of shoveling, and missed plans... but for some reason I still get excited.

Speaking of excited... my cousins and I have been organizing a reunion for Easter weekend/Meme's birthday. It will be the first time in a while that we have all gotten together, specifically the cousins. I'm really excited for it. I miss the days of us all going to Meme and Pepe's for holidays, us kids escaping for walks in the woods or down the dead end dirt road... I'm hoping for a chance to sit around and talk and laugh. I'm also thankful that we are getting this together before it happens for another funeral. In our big family, they come all too often.

In exercise world... I was excited to up the ante on some of my weights again last night... though today I'm feeling it in my arms and back. Still loving Body Jam and dancing like a maniac shaking my bootay, too. Soooo glad Erica got me hooked! lol. Tonight is running... Couch to 5 K, Week 2 Run 3. Yee haw.

Why Don't We Just Dance

2010-02-18T07:43:00.000-08:00

Love that song.

I was thinking about it this morning in the way of Joy and Victory and Fun and Life. "Well it might be me, but the way I see it the whole world has gone crazy, so baby why don't we just dance"... Why DON'T we dance in the face of the crap in our life? Why DON'T we dance for joy? We, who have Jesus, have the promise of an everlasting life. Why DON'T we just dance because it's fun? Because it's healthy? Because we are to come to Him like children...

Obviously, I know that there is a time and a season for everything. For some of us, it might not be a time to dance today...but it will be again someday soon. And for many of us... it is and we just aren't.

Electrictiy and Couch to 5K Wk 2 Day 2

2010-02-17T07:05:00.000-08:00

Last night I did my 2nd run on week 2s podcast...it's a 5 minute brisk walk warm up, then 6 intervals of 90 second run, 2 minute walking then 5 minute cool down. Yay, I can do this.

I am a ball of energy. Some fueled by the exercise, but more the last couple of weeks fueled by what the Lord is doing in me... I just know it. It's like electricity, life, joy, hope and anticipation and I don't even know quite what for yet... but I do know that I am determined to be open to it.

I have heard from so many powerful, inspiring, anointed people the past several days... and I have been challenged to move. The voice that is ringing the most in my ears right now, though, is the one that is saying get ready, get ready, get ready in my heart and churning up something I've never felt before.

God, don't let me breeze past this moment of availability. Shoot me like a rocket where ever you want me whether that be around the block or across the world.

A Blank Canvas

2010-02-16T11:26:00.000-08:00

What a difference it makes to look at life and see the possibilities rather than the missed ones. Each day is a blank canvas for God to write on. Each breath is another gift. There is so much more to life than we are living. There is so much more to see than we open our eyes to and to hear than we listen for.

Lately God has been reminding me how available I am and asking me what I am willing to do with that fact. When the sky is the limit... it's a really exciting place to be... scary too; but I'm willing to jump off the cliff if I know He is there to catch me.

an email I sent to my dad.

2010-02-12T11:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Dad,

Thank you. I have a new appreciation for all the hard work you did/do at home with shoveling/snow blowing/ keeping up property. Considering you had all our land, house, barns and out buildings to deal with and I just have a few feet of sidewalk and a car length of shoveling to deal with... I have a new appreciation for all the hours of work that you do through out the Winter at home on top of your many hours at your job. I always took that and so much else that you do for granted... and today I want to thank you.

Love,
Stacey

something i wrote

2010-02-12T05:31:00.001-08:00

I wrote this over the past couple of weeks... don't worry, it's not quite as autobiographical as it sounds...

I can’t help wondering how you are
Or imagining how you feel
I try to stop my mind in its track
But it only has one rail

I struggle to erase my thoughts
As they race through the days gone by
I close my eyes and they’re all right there
as clear as today sometimes

Tromping and rummaging through my head
All The Memories of your face
Sensations I will never forget
How I felt in your embrace

I wasn’t made for goodbyes
Forever is written within me
although our ever after has passed
my first love you’ll always be

Couch to 5 Feet... of snow. :)

2010-02-10T17:47:00.000-08:00

That's it. I'm ready to ski...

In other news... I'm sleeping at the office again tonight... and just a peek into how ridiculous I am... I actually got excited about coming back in. Granted, that loses it's luster after about a 1/2 hour of staring at the computer and doing cancellation data entry... but there is a weird little adrenaline rush out of it all.

Anyway... in exercise news... today I shoveled. Nuff said.

Couch 2 5 K Week 2 Day 1, Beginnings of a Blizzard

2010-02-09T19:27:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this blog in my froggy fleece pajamas, in my office with the lights out and the air mattress pumped up and ready to go. It's been snowing for a while now, I'm not sure how many inches we've gotten, but a few of us have decided to hunker down for the night so we can take care of the radio station bright and early.

I was able to break away from "snow crew" for a couple of hours at the end of the day and made it to the gym. Sadly, when I went to turn on my ipod, I realized that it wasnt working (hopefully just needs a charge) so I did my run counting in my head... 90 seconds of running, 120 seconds of walking... I'm sure it wasn't quite what it should have been... but I got a run in and also did some sit ups and push ups. No blizzard is keeping me down :)

Sunny Sunday, Couch 2 5K Run 3 Woo Hoo

2010-02-08T09:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a beautiful day... I was sooo thankful for a break from snow crew... and for church. The drive was snowy and sunny and gorgeous... I was excited for worship and it was a really great service. I felt power when I sang and there was a great time of spontaneous worship where everyone seemed to be flowing on the same wave.

After church I headed to the gym prepared to do my 3rd run in the program and finish out week one. While I was changing in the locker room I heard, "Hey, there's a Stacey" and my friend Shirley was there. I ended up joining her for "Jazzercise" and then going for my run. Jazzercise was not quite as "jazz hands" as I expected.. it was a fine work out but nothing like Body Jam as far as level of intensity for me. I'd do it again for a Sunday workout, but not sold...

Shirley joined me for the 3rd installment of my running program. Hooray. The track at the gym was more crowded than normal, but that's my only complaint. It was fun to run with a partner, though I think I might be more apt to push harder when I go by myself. The run was fun. I could talk and run at the same time. I'm ready for week 2. WOO HOO.

Last night I went to a fun Superbowl party... I watched none of the game, ate and talked and then snuck out early to go swing dancing... it was a small crowd with just the right people there for a great night...

Tonight... Body Jam... Tomorrow... more snow.

Blizzard 2010

2010-02-06T13:36:00.000-08:00

It came. It snowed. It conquered. Wow.

So I was right about the plans getting canceled, but was reminded that snow days actually mean no down time for me... oh well... i guess there can be worse things than having to be online all day for work. :)

Funny story from today. I went out for a round of shoveling the sidewalk, only to head back in and realize I had locked myself out. ZOINKs. After attempting to shove the front door open and slightly freaking out, I made my way around to the back of the house. The door to the kitchen wouldn't budge so I headed to the roof and thankfully was able to get the window open... Wooo hoo. Let me tell you, though... there was a lot of snow on that roof (which I should go shovel)... and it is freaky walking on a roof when you can't see it through the snow. But I got in and all is well.

I love the snow. It's a lot different when you are an adult though, But it's not all bad. I work with a great team. Everyone pitches in to get things done... I've worked a pretty long day today, but someone stepped up so I don't have to tomorrow like I was supposed to. Woo Hoo... and not all my plans got ruined. Soon, my brother and sister in law will be over for dinner... there's food ready to be eaten, including some chocolate chip cookies that I may or may not have sampled 2 or 3 of while they were warm... oops... then back to work

Couch to 5 K Week one, 2nd Run and stuff

2010-02-05T14:39:00.000-08:00

Today started off with a burst... I made it to my 1 hr "Body Pump" class at the gym and then ran my 2nd of 3 runs for the week for the Couch to 5K. I definitely was feeling ready to be done by the last couple of intervals... but it wasn't too bad... Woo hoo.

It was a good feeling to get so much done so early... I even made it to the grocery store before work... although the place had been ravaged by the blizzard buyers... I honestly was just out of food... I would have gone today snow or no snow... :) (and there was plenty of bread and milk... but not so much on the produce... interesting... New Years resoluters?)

We're supposed to get blasted with a blizzard... all my weekend plans are up in the air, but I actually don't mind. Some free time/down time/spontaneous city fun is on the horizon... and some extra hours at work for snow crew... wee.

Couch to 5 K Day One Week One

2010-02-03T14:04:00.000-08:00

I'm 35 and I've NEVER been a runner. Ever. or a jock of any sort. I played basketball in 8th grade and was no good. I tried summer camp with field hockey but nope. Sixth grade soccer... I was a sweeper, I think it's called... defense... little to no running required. I could walk all day... but running was my enemy. Later in life, well lets just say I was carrying a lot around to try to run with... and actually it was the furthest thing from my mind.

Welp... last summer I had tried to challenge myself to mix some running in with my walking, but didn't have a ton of success... mostly because I was doing it for the wrong reasons, I think. So, recently when I was walking and threw in some runs, I noticed that i could run much further without almost dying. :)

Well, my friend Erica had told me about this couch to 5k podast program, and I was interested. Today I plugged in my ipod and hit the sidewalks. (by the way, re-thinking the whole cut off sweats thing on a cold/snowy day... my legs are very red).

So anyway, I did it! It's intervals of walking 90 seconds/running 60 seconds for like half an hour or so. It was actually fun and the minutes didn't seem that long. I'm excited. I don't know how faithful I'll be with the program considering that I am going to classes at the gym 2-3 x a week and dancing 2-3x a week... but I'm going to keep challenging myself to incorporate running into my lifestyle and workouts and who knows, you may just see me out there at one of those 5ks in the future!

2010-01-26T15:46:00.000-08:00

I know so many people and I love so many people... then there are people I think gee, I want to know you, how can I know you? How CAN I? There are only 24 hours in a day. How do we love the people we need to love well enough in that amount of time? Only by God's grace, that's for sure. I think about the conversations I have and realize that I need to be so much more present... conversations with friends, family, God... I'm so easily distracted and so often unaware of the needs of the people around me...while so selfishly aware of my own needs, desires, agendas. Again, like I said in a previous post... may I be more present in each moment.

2010-01-19T14:15:00.001-08:00

This Sunday we sang "Fling wide the doors to my soul, open up the door to my heart have your way" to God... and yesterday I think He said alright then... here we go... yesterday I think God started asking me if I was willing to change my plans for vacation in the spring... To be continued...

2010-01-18T16:52:00.000-08:00

What is it about sad songs that I love so much? I'm in love with the blues... because I can feel the song in my bones, in my inner core, practically. Some songs feel like a prayer to me... like the Yael Naim song "Lonely"... it literally rips me apart... it's such a slow moving song. I'm going to try to learn to sing it, but it's going to take a lot of restraint to sing it properly. But back to the point.. the blues... relating to someone else's pain, diving into it and saying, " I feel you" maybe? The groove of the music, definitely... and dancing to it... oh dancing to the blues is amazing to me... because you have to feel the music and the connection with your lead. I like to close my eyes and figure out how the music and the very slight movements of the lead are trying to to move me. Being moved by music...yeah, I love it.

2010-01-13T18:36:00.000-08:00

My first inclination is not usually to pray. It's to do. To help. To fix. To listen. To discuss. To make you smile or laugh or anything... I have to fight my flesh and fight it and fight it. I know in my head that I can't fix anything... especially this, but I stew, and text, and write and cry and wonder... then I pray. So backwards.

2010-01-12T13:33:00.000-08:00

I want to suck the pain out... like they tell you to do when a person gets a venomous snake bite... suck out the pain and spit it out...

I know the medicine doesn't always taste sweet right away... sometimes there is bitterness first. I know that masking the taste doesn't help... but I want to do something more.

I feel like I'm sitting behind a soundproof window screaming.

I know it is not for me to fix, because it has already been done. I know that the pain is being carried, the load lightened, the heart healed, the wounds cleansed... I'm thankful for that.

For now I'll pray, and hope and cry for you and wait for the day that things look brighter, taste better, and you feel that peace that is already within you.

Needing Connection

2009-12-01T08:20:00.000-08:00

It's interesting when certain words/themes start to repeat themselves in our lives. I've seen this happen from time to time... maybe I've even blogged about it before. The word connection has become more and more significant recently.

Several months ago when we were re-forming our small group of friends from church to organize for our next round of life and Bible Studies... we came up with the name "Connection." We needed a name for our group for the purposes of getting the word out at church, etc and rather than being the... "older than young adults group"... this is what we came up with. For us, our "small group" is all about connecting... coming together as friends, sharing food, ideas, dreams, prayers, life, and reading scripture together and discussing it.

Have I mentioned before that I love to dance?? Oh yeah, it's all I've been talking about lately. Well, in partner dancing... connection is key. You have to physically connect. This is how the lead communicates to the follow and the follow responds. There should be a degree of emotional/soul connection so eye contact helps too. When you have connection, you can move across the dance floor together with ease. When you are not connected... it is obvious... you both feel it and anyone watching can tell. Connection is key. This connection involves a physical tension and giving and receiving.

Connection is also a necessity spiritually.

John 15: ⁵"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. ⁸This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

We need to be connected to our source... to God, to His Word, to His Spirit. It's crucial to our survival, productivity and happiness.

I am made to be connected. It requires tension, time, contact, giving, receiving, togetherness... but it is good.

Presence/Presents

2009-11-22T11:36:00.000-08:00

As it's getting closer to the holidays... Thanksgiving, Christmas, the beginning of a new year, and as I'm at the end of a very intense and heart changing conference at my church... I find myself thinking about a lot of things a lot differently.

One phrase that's been going through my head is Presence Not Presents. This year, not just because of the economy (though I admit, financially I can't afford much) I want to focus on Presence not presents. I know you are thinking, yes... Keep Christ in Christmas... it's not about the gift, but the giver... and yes that is true... but I'm thinking on a couple of other wavelengths here, too.

Presence

I want to be really emotionally/mentally present no matter where I am... at work, at fun gatherings, at church, in prayer, at the grocery store, in the shower... I don't want to be thinking ahead to the next event, the next to do list, the next song or dance or the next vacation.

I want to truly abide in the presence of God... as His. I want His presence to fill me and to be the driving force in my life. I don't like that song Jesus Take the Wheel very much, but that's what I want. For me to take the backseat and for Him to drive as I yield to His Presence.

I want to literally be present with the people I love. I can't wait to go home and see my mom and dad and relatives and give them a big hug at Christmas. I'm excited to celebrate Thanksgiving with my friend Wendy and with my small group. I have gained a whole new circle of friends through swing dancing and I look so forward to all the fun things planned for the next several weeks as we dance the nights away into the New Year!!! I love the way our office really can enjoy each other all the time, but especially during this season with the special events we do. We make a point of being with each other.

Sure, I have some shopping and gift giving planned. But I truly hope that I will be more conscious of my presence, your presence and His presence as I go through this season of celebration!

My Blog is Pink

2009-11-10T12:39:00.000-08:00

The girls in my small group got together this past weekend for a tea... tea and testimonies. It was a great day to enjoy each others company, great food... and girly things. I like being a woman. There was a time that I think I tried to downplay it because of my insecurities... not that I was a tom-boy or anything but I think because I felt unattractive I just didn't "go there" so I said I hated pink and girly things... but I really don't know that that was ever true... I guess we all went through the grunge phase... or many of us did... wearing flannels, and just being fairly blah... but I think this was deeper rooted for me.

So now my blog is pink and I like it...and I am happy with who I am.

I've come a long way

2009-11-05T06:52:00.001-08:00

So, I'm feeling pretty encouraged these days. It started with falling in love with dancing and is gaining momentum as I've also fallen in love with going to the gym. I found these old IDs from when i was at my heaviest... now this was before my surgeries back in 04 and 05... and I was on steroids... but I was also frequenting Friendly's and pretty much living my life sitting on the couch or in bed watching t.v.

I'll be 35 in December and I can safely say I'm probably at my healthiest ever... (I've weighed less, but I'm talking overall"... hoping and praying to keep heading in this direction!!! Thank you God for your mercy and grace!!!

i can have a blog, i have thoughts!

2009-08-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

I saw Julie and Julia last night with some friends and loved it. I hadn't been to the movies in a while until last Friday when I saw 500 Days of Summer and then Julie and Julia last night. Loved both. I want the soundtrack from 500 Days for sure.

I loved Julie's line that I titled my blog with. It was so sweet. I do have to laugh at my blogging sometimes. We are a funny culture... wanting so badly to share our thoughts with others in outlets like blogs, facebook, twitter... either fantasizing that someone is going to read our writing and find us to be genius or be on the other extreme thinking surely I can write my deepest darkest secrets and surely noone will ever see them...

But back to the movies... I haven't had time to see too many lately... but it sure is fun to just sit back and be transported somewhere else for a couple of hours. 500 Days of Summer was great because I laughed and cried... it was fantastical in some ways yet more realistic than most "love stories" which this movie adamantly reminds you it is NOT a love story. (but it is, sorta). And like I mentioned before... GRRRREAT soundtrack.

I was warned to be sure and eat before watching Julie and Julia and it's true. (though eating pizza wasn't the best choice knowing my intestinal fortitude is not up to par these days). But I digress... seriously... (although what does that phrase really mean)... Anyway... lots of eating and cooking and butter being slathered willy nilly. mmm. I feel like cooking. But it was more than cooking, of course. Real human struggles with finding self, relationships,balance.... I loved Amy Adams and Meryl Streep... and Stanley Tucci and Chris Messina... Big crush on Chris, for sure. :) and Jane Lynch totally cracked me up as Julias sister.

And now... blogging about a movie about blogging about food has made me hungry. :)

So Much To Learn

2009-08-24T12:40:00.000-07:00

The other night at swing dancing... my recent addiction and passion, I was dancing with a fairly seasoned dancer and got out of step. I told him, "sorry, still learning" and his response to me was "i'm still learning, too".

I've been thinking about that a lot today. It was comforting then and it's comforting now. It's ok to get out of step once in a while.

Finding Rest

2009-08-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

Today it broke. The stiff upper lip, the "I'm ok facade", the guard I put up. God took it. I sooo needed that. Not that anything is necessarily, literally, wrong... I just realized how tired I am... physically, emotionally, spiritually... definitely spiritually... because I have not rested in Him in so long. Sure I've rested... I slept for a ridiculous number of hourse when I got home from Purple Door and the nights following... but I haven't gotten rest that you get from drinking from a cool perfect life giving spring... until today.

I"m thankful that no matter how many times i cycle through and remember what I keep forgetting that God brings me back where I need to be.

He is satisfied with me. My weak and screwed up body that I don't understand how to take care of. My stubborn, lazy, selfish self. He gets me. He made me. He leads me to become better. I can rest in that. I MUST rest in that.

It's In My Blood

2009-08-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

Ever since I was a little girl I have loved to dance. I took tap and ballet for a few years and even did a tap solo to the song "Birth of the Blues" complete with cartwheels and kicks. Yes, I was the shiz (only in my mind and my parents). (Thank you Jesus I don't have to don a tutu for swing dancing.)

Dancing is in my blood... on my dad's side of the family every family wedding and many of the larger family reunions included a band or dj getting us all out on the dance floor... jive, two step, polka, whatev... My parents went out dancing when I was a kid...and they grew up going to "dances" as teenagers... I loved dancing with my father and uncles and cousins and still do. I hope someday to have a wedding like the ones I grew up with... One big celebration with LOTS of dancing.

Between college and "life" there had been several years where there wasn't as much dancing in my life, besides going out with my cousin when I visited home, for no other reason than it didn't come up. Lately, though, my love for dancing has returned and I'm finding tons of opportunities between the swing dancing community (I've been going a couple times a week), line dancing, and the promise of heading somewhere local to "just dance" (just have to find the "right" place.

I'm having a blast. I'm thankful to be at a place in my life where I can enjoy this... and thinking back to where I was at in life last year realizing I could have missed this... and so it's another reason to be thankful for God's timing.

VT/PA and the things I love

2009-05-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

Home in Vermont. It's sooo nice. So peaceful. I wish I could live in two places at once.

Things I love about my home in Vermont:

family and friends
peace and quiet
slower pace
wild animals (since I've been home I've seen many deer, 2 turkeys, a hummingbird, the swallow and it's babies in their nest on the porch, kittens that showed up in my parents barn)
the lilacs and honeysuckle growing in the woods
4 wheeler rides
familiarity
Lake Champlain
various small bodies of water (rivers, lakes, ponds)
sitting out on the porch
skiing
hiking
driving around looking for deer
being taken care of
walking out the door and into the woods if I want to
how around every corner memories are triggered
the patio
being able to help mom and dad

Things I love about my home in PA
family and friends
accesibility of fun things to do (music events, coffee shops, local pubs, swing dancing, line dancing, etc)
the Church at large
my church family
my apartment/space
my roommate
independence
walking Lancaster City
accesibility to things I need (can walk somewhere to get milk, market, bandaids, etc)
proximity to other places to visit (Philly, DC (though I've never explored there), NYC, etc.

joyful, hopeful, patient faith

2009-04-17T12:46:00.000-07:00

JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER. JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER. JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER.

Man, oh man, do I need to keep reciting this!!

Ebenezer Not Scrooge

2009-03-03T02:44:00.000-08:00

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Jeshanah, and named it Ebenezer; for he said, "Thus far the Lord has helped us..." 1 Sam. 7:12

At our staff retreat, we had a very inspiring message given by a local pastor. He talked to us about being made in God's image and the power of names. Did I mention it was inspiring. (at least for me). He talked to us about the things we carry and how we see ourselves and then talked about what our names are. How we often live based on the things we carry (our issues) rather than the truth of our name. For example "Ebenezer" means help stone" NOT scrooge.

At the end of the message he gave each of us a flat stone to write our name on and decorate as we desired. He suggested that if one of us in the office was going through something we could make a statement of support by stacking our stones on their desks to let them know we are there for them and that God is our helper, etc.

So, we come back from the retreat and the next day (it was the week before the surgery) I come into my office to find that several of my friends in the office had started a little "ebenezer" pile for me. It was truly encouraging. Of course I should expect nothing less than encouragement from my friends considering their track record of being ridiculously amazing.

By the way, I learned that Stacey comes from the name of a 4th Century Dalmatian saint (not the dog, however I did have a dalmation named Sheba growing up). Stacey (or Anastasius) was martyred. As an English name it has been used since the Middle Ages. A famous bearer of the name was the youngest daughter of the last Russian Tsr nicholas II who was rumored to have escaped the execution of her amily in 1918. If you google it, the name Stacey means resurrection, or bountiful grapes. Interesting, eh.

The Process of Healing

2009-02-27T09:46:00.000-08:00

So that's what my scar looks like so far. Not bad, right. Today I tried on one of my necklaces and it practically covered it... but was too uncomfortable to have something touching it so we'll wait to go the necklace route...

I have been thinking about the healing process today. Not just in the light of this surgery, but in life in general.

I was talking to Fred about how impatient I am about singing. I know I can... my voice is ok... but the muscles are very weak and it hurts when I try. A part of me wants to exercise the muscles to make them stronger, but we both agreed this is not the time... I need to be patient and let it heal. Also, I was dizzy the other day and called the Dr and was reminded that even though I am able to be up and around and doing things, I need to realize my body will be healing for at least a few months and I need to listen to it!

All that to be said... sometimes I get frustrated with myself for thoughts I have about relationships, hurts, struggles that I am still healing from. Sometimes I don't get why I am still dealing with it... I mean it's been X amount of time... shouldn't I be fine, shouldn't we just be able to heal and get over it? But healing is a process. God doesn't require us to withstand more than we can bear, but he does require us to go through a process of healing and promises not to leave us while we go through it.

So patience. Patience. Just like the little turtle. Don't be in such a hurry. I'll try not to.

My Reset Button

2009-02-23T11:32:00.001-08:00

As I've been recovering from surgery I've had a lot of time to think. Admittedly, most of the time, rather than thinking of anything valuable, I was either watching tv or reading... but one thing did come to mind. I think that part of this whole surgery/being out of commission for a while scenario for me was used to slow me down.

You know... "he makes me lie down in green pastures"... I think God needed to make me lay down. Now of course, there is the medical side... I needed to have that inflamed, noduled up lobe of my thyroid removed for health reasons, but I think i also needed to shut down. It's like God decided it was time to press my reset button.

By the way... healing is going really well. I feel like the scar is going to fade nicely (and am using some special ointment to try and help along that process). At this point I'm still a bit weak and light headed with some achiness but doing really well... and thankful for the overwhelming love and affection I've received.

all the kings horses come running?

2009-01-23T09:03:00.000-08:00

Wednesday night on my drive home from "Lost" night at the Placencia's. (GOOD TIMES) I let myself get self absorbed. (I know, what else is knew these days). I was thinking through my myriad of health stuff and was mentally comparing myself to Humpty Dumpty... and praying that God would put me back together again soon. (it's amazing how deep in thought I can get driving only a few blocks).

So, I got home, was carrying my crock pot with leftover buffalo chicken dip, a bag with some celery in it and my purse. I get inside, unlock my door, and begin to ascend the stairs... and fall. Hard. Landing with my kneee in the step resulting in big bruised egg, and hit my chest on the crock pot (nice bruise there, too). I thought for sure Shauna (my roommate) or my scary (but thoughtful) neighbor Dan would hear me moaning. I limped up the stairs and got ready for bed.

But isn't that funny. I have to wonder if God was using his sense of humor there, if it was a coincidence or what. Or... of course there's the fact that I'm a ridiculous clutz. There's always that.

Candy, Candy, Candy

2009-01-14T12:43:00.000-08:00

So, I really love starbursts. (and skittles, and swedish fish and other chewy candy) From time to time I'll have a candy dish out on my desk filled to the brim to share with my co-workers. (and of course gorge myself with throughout the day) Of course the pinks and reds are usually the first to go. WELL... I was at our local Giant Foodstore and found some individual packets of "Favor-reds"... a variety pack of all the yummy pink and red flavors. Weeeee. It doesn't take much to thrill me, now does it?

Leaning

2009-01-14T12:37:00.000-08:00

After yesterday's post about Faith, I headed to my Tuesday night worship set at the House of Prayer. Many of the songs that our worship leader had chosen revolved around letting go, God moving in power, etc... so I was definitely engaged in crying out to God through the songs. After our time was through and I debriefed and prayed with my team, I went to the Healing Rooms next door. (Place to receive individual prayers for specific personal needs). I prayed with a few people and it did help. I realized that I still have some disappointment I'm dealing with from my past health issues. I also realized I needed to ask for forgiveness for certain unbelief, but also forgive myself.

I am so thankful for encouraging friends who have been through it and allow me to think/deal out loud.

I also got a pamphlet with a bunch of scriptures about faith, promises, healing, etc.

Faith

2009-01-13T13:29:00.000-08:00

I think I emailed most of you who read this about my consultation with the surgeon today. If not, let me know and I"ll fill you in. So in a month from now I will be back in the hospital to have part or all of my thyroid removed because of precancerous stuff. However, I believe that God heals. So I am believing that God is going to heal me and I'll get in there and the Dr will open me up to find nothing, no nodules, no Cancer. Praise Jesus. Except this is a tricky thing, to be honest about. I know that God loves me and can heal and does heal. I trust that. However, when it comes right down to it I don't expect Him to. Mostly because of my previous surgery. I know there are times and reasons etc for everything, but I guess I just have this feeling that God has this as part of my life. I know I can deal with it gracefully and maybe somehow affect others in the midst of it... but what I WANT to believe with all my heart is that He WILL HEAL ME!!! I will keep receiving prayer at every turn and will keep leaning on Him. I just soooo want to have the confidence to believe for a miracle... not just in word, but in my heart. I can believe it for everyone else... no problem. Why not me?

In 5 Years

2009-01-08T09:11:00.000-08:00

Remember in the high school yearbook, at least in ours, there was a "in 5 years" section? Mine said that I'd be singing in an Italian Opera. (due to my ridiculously high soprano voice at the time... I think my range has changed a little with age.

We also get asked this questions from time to time at our staff evaluations. Since ours our next week, I was thinking this morning... and realized that in 5 years I'm going to be 39. Almost 40. WHAT! This is the first time I think that when asked the question, I'll care more. My answer in the past has always been, "ah whatever" "go with the flow" that kind of thing. Thinking in terms of my age causes me to want to take that question a little more seriously. Where DO I want to be in 5 years?