Doors

So, remember yesterday... you know that whole new mercies thing. Totally true. :) Where one door closes, one opens...

In fact, my one friend (that I apologize to for my attitude) responded to my apology and said "i don't say this to be trite, but i do believe that your time is coming. a time where the Lord will open up doors that you've wanted opened for a long time - and doors that you forgot you wanted opened :)"

So here has been my last 24 hours...

My run last night was literally a God send. JUST what THE Dr ordered. I spent a little time practically vomiting all over God and then just shut up and that was the best part. Not only did I literally pound out the junk with God on the sidewalk, I finally managed to run an entire 5K. Woo hoo.

Worship at Gateway House of Prayer last night... musically nothing spectacular on my end... in fact I made some mistakes... but was FULL of joy... and purpose. Jimmy spoke on creating a Highway for God and I am all over it. I need to go back and listen to the message again because it really spoke to my heart. I am available. I want to advance the Kingdom.

Today... new attitude. Happy. Laughing. Feeling purposeful. 2 significant possible opportunities popped up from out of nowhere to do things that I love and things that God has been asking me to do. It was like God said listen ... let me open and close the doors.

Being Plowed

I'm having one of those weeks where I am very aware of the state of my heart. Today as I was driving around running errands for work, I realized I am a garden and God is doing some plowing...some digging around. I asked Him to, so why am I surprised? But ow.

It's like I can almost physically feel Him "mucking with" the roots of pride, jealousy, envy, etc etc. To the point that I literally am nauseated with myself. Wow. I mean, I'm literally disgusted with my thoughts and where I can see them coming from. God... do what I've asked and refine me. Make me a garden where your fruit can grow and become ripe and beautiful and delicious.

Tonight I'm going for a run after work. I'm anxious to pound out some of my frustrations on the pavement...and talk to God about this process... Keep humbling me. Don't let me shorts fall off or anything... but do what you will.

Writings

The two most recent things I wrote come from such different places...

The first one, I wrote while at Gateway House of Prayer...to God.

Overtake Me

Everything goes 80 miles per hour
Everyone runs as if chasen
May my running be toward you
my movement be for you
and all of my heart overtaken

The second one... I had an image from a past experience in my head... and some memories...
Did You Have To?

Oh no, oh no
Say it isn’t so
I can’t bear to watch you go
I can’t stand to hear your feet
Walk away so sad and slow

I had a feeling it’d end this way
I had a hunch you wouldn’t stay
But oh not today… not today.

Oh my, oh my
Not time for goodbye
While reds and pinks flood the sky
While lips and arms still tingle
Did you have to take me so high
To bring me down so low

more love

I want to love better. I am loving but I don't always manifest it. For example... I would tell you that I love everyone... when in fact there are people I don't act loving toward at all. There are people I ignore, laugh at, snub, disdain... what's that all about? My desire in my heart of hearts is to be real and to love authentically. I do realize that I'm not Jesus... His love never fails. Mine will. But I know that it has a lot more potential.

35

Wishing I hadn't waited 35 years to figure it out... and hoping that I keep it up another 35.. or however long I have left to live.

bottomless pit?

Today I feel like I could literally eat a horse. I won't though. :)

reminded again

This morning I had breakfast with my friend Laura. It was great to start my Monday a little late, enjoy some delicious coffee and fruit/yogurt parfait at Prince ST Cafe... but most importantly to sit and talk with Laura.

Laura spent a year in Haiti teaching at the YWAM base in St. Marc. When I shared about God stirring some things in my heart with her about missions (specifically to Haiti) several weeks ago, she was quick to say... we need to sit down and talk. I want to hear all about what God is doing. Laura is so good at encouraging and listening and asking questions. We realized we have some more personality traits in common than we realized as we talked about sometimes getting bogged down by the details (for example I still need to get my passport)... which is step 1. lol.

But it was so good. I made the decision not to look at my watch/phone for the time even though I knew I didn't want to be too late for work... so we were there over an hour and it was good. (I think getting into a culture where you spend less time caring about time would be good for me)

I was reminded to remember what God started stirring in me. To keep it before Him and ask questions. To be open in my spirit to whatever comes next, and to take some time to sit and chat over coffee and forget about the rest of the world and it's pull every once in a while.

Reminded

Last night I went to the Awake Tonight Tour concert. It was the first time in a while I have been to one of "our" concerts. I used to always go... but haven't so much as of late. I think it was really good and important for me to be there. I was reminded to appreciate what I am a part of here at CMI and WJTL.

The concert was so good. All 3 bands were quailty. The stage performances were impressive and high energy... and the message was present. Jesus did not get forgotten amidst all the crazy flames, lights, video and various stage changes. The message was loud and clear.

It's an interesting balance when you work behind the scenes not to forget to appreciate what we are actually doing out there! I don't think it's a bad thing that I don't get out to everything as much as I used to... I've learned the balance of having a life and friends outside of work. :) But, I do think it's key to get out and see what we're doing to remember there are thousands of faces behind the mailings, emails, phone calls, etc. etc. etc.

Yesterday

... could easily have become a bust... My legs were sore from the previous days work out, I felt guilty for eating crap at lunch, I didn't feel super productive at work, had to pay a parking ticket of $45, had to eat humble pie in dropping off my rent check late (and gave it to the babysitter), I hit a curb and busted my tire and had to buy a new one.... uuuuugh.

I also got some news about a friends health that was not really encouraging...

HOWEVER... it was a gorgeous sunny day. My friend Chris who I might as well call my big brother (even though we are not related, and he is younger than me)... helped me change my tire to a spare. This was no easy feat considering how tight and rusty the bolts were!

Oh... and I had the best run of my life... I'm on the 1st Run of Week 5 in my 9 week program... This one was (3) 5 minute intervals of running and I felt great... next run is (2) 8 minutes and the third will be a 20 minute run! Woo Hoo. I felt so alive and happy out there.

Then, at Gateway House of Prayer last night I heard God clearly speaking to my heart, reminding me I am never outside of His Love. Reminding me that my friends are never outside of His love. The suffering in Haiti and all over the world are never outside of His Love.

So, yesterday was trying and frustrating, but also a really really amazing day.

naive or cynical?

I was sitting here at my desk thinking, hmph... (rather smugly)... I'd rather by naive than cynical... and was preparing to get my thoughts together and blog about it... but then I remembered that we are to be "wise as serpents/harmless as doves"... with faith like a child, innocent but not lacking judgement...Hm still processing... but my point was I do NOT ever want to become cynical... that I do know.

Love, Wisdom and Creeps

I'm trying to process some thoughts about my attitude when it comes to people who are "creepy"... now to be clear... I don't mean people I find unattractive or people that are different... I mean people that say things that are inappropriate/make me uncomfortable or in the case of the dance scene...people that I can tell are not treating me with respect...

Yesterday I felt like God was trying to get me to think about my heart attitude. It's a tricky thing. I know that it's we need to use wisdom (especially as women) with our boundaries and how we interact with people who seem to have questionable intentions toward us. There are people I've dealt with at dancing that I've had to come to a place where I won't dance with them because too many comments were made about watching my body, too many uncomfortable dance moves, etc... I have come to a place where I think it's ok and right to say no to a person that makes me feel uncomfortable. In fact I have addressed it on one occasion and made it clear that I didn't appreciate the comments, and it happened again... so. But still... how should my heart feel toward this person, or people in general that give me the creeps? I'm supposed to love them. I'm trying to find that balance of loving with wisdom... not detesting the person... but not making myself vulnerable... man that's tricky.

Yesterday I was out for a run... mid day... totally safe time of day... and I passed 2 men. I smiled at them... just smiled... and after they passed me they made some comment about swinging my hips.... I got so angry... but then wondered... how am I supposed to feel toward people like that. I'm supposed to love them... I can be disgusted by their conduct... but how do I love them. Wow, it's hard. How does God do it... love us... who totally treat him with disrespect...in all of our sin and disgusting creepiness sometimes. Wow. It's tough. I can only do it with His help.

There is talk of a possible blizzard this weekend... and I am whirling around the office like a 2 year old. I must be nuts. I know that if it happens it will mean hours of work, hours of shoveling, and missed plans... but for some reason I still get excited.

Speaking of excited... my cousins and I have been organizing a reunion for Easter weekend/Meme's birthday. It will be the first time in a while that we have all gotten together, specifically the cousins. I'm really excited for it. I miss the days of us all going to Meme and Pepe's for holidays, us kids escaping for walks in the woods or down the dead end dirt road... I'm hoping for a chance to sit around and talk and laugh. I'm also thankful that we are getting this together before it happens for another funeral. In our big family, they come all too often.

In exercise world... I was excited to up the ante on some of my weights again last night... though today I'm feeling it in my arms and back. Still loving Body Jam and dancing like a maniac shaking my bootay, too. Soooo glad Erica got me hooked! lol. Tonight is running... Couch to 5 K, Week 2 Run 3. Yee haw.

Why Don't We Just Dance

Love that song.

I was thinking about it this morning in the way of Joy and Victory and Fun and Life. "Well it might be me, but the way I see it the whole world has gone crazy, so baby why don't we just dance"... Why DON'T we dance in the face of the crap in our life? Why DON'T we dance for joy? We, who have Jesus, have the promise of an everlasting life. Why DON'T we just dance because it's fun? Because it's healthy? Because we are to come to Him like children...

Obviously, I know that there is a time and a season for everything. For some of us, it might not be a time to dance today...but it will be again someday soon. And for many of us... it is and we just aren't.

Electrictiy and Couch to 5K Wk 2 Day 2

Last night I did my 2nd run on week 2s podcast...it's a 5 minute brisk walk warm up, then 6 intervals of 90 second run, 2 minute walking then 5 minute cool down. Yay, I can do this.

I am a ball of energy. Some fueled by the exercise, but more the last couple of weeks fueled by what the Lord is doing in me... I just know it. It's like electricity, life, joy, hope and anticipation and I don't even know quite what for yet... but I do know that I am determined to be open to it.

I have heard from so many powerful, inspiring, anointed people the past several days... and I have been challenged to move. The voice that is ringing the most in my ears right now, though, is the one that is saying get ready, get ready, get ready in my heart and churning up something I've never felt before.

God, don't let me breeze past this moment of availability. Shoot me like a rocket where ever you want me whether that be around the block or across the world.

A Blank Canvas

What a difference it makes to look at life and see the possibilities rather than the missed ones. Each day is a blank canvas for God to write on. Each breath is another gift. There is so much more to life than we are living. There is so much more to see than we open our eyes to and to hear than we listen for.

Lately God has been reminding me how available I am and asking me what I am willing to do with that fact. When the sky is the limit... it's a really exciting place to be... scary too; but I'm willing to jump off the cliff if I know He is there to catch me.

an email I sent to my dad.

Dear Dad,

Thank you. I have a new appreciation for all the hard work you did/do at home with shoveling/snow blowing/ keeping up property. Considering you had all our land, house, barns and out buildings to deal with and I just have a few feet of sidewalk and a car length of shoveling to deal with... I have a new appreciation for all the hours of work that you do through out the Winter at home on top of your many hours at your job. I always took that and so much else that you do for granted... and today I want to thank you.

Love,
Stacey

something i wrote

I wrote this over the past couple of weeks... don't worry, it's not quite as autobiographical as it sounds...

I can’t help wondering how you are
Or imagining how you feel
I try to stop my mind in its track
But it only has one rail

I struggle to erase my thoughts
As they race through the days gone by
I close my eyes and they’re all right there
as clear as today sometimes

Tromping and rummaging through my head
All The Memories of your face
Sensations I will never forget
How I felt in your embrace

I wasn’t made for goodbyes
Forever is written within me
although our ever after has passed
my first love you’ll always be

Couch to 5 Feet... of snow. :)

That's it. I'm ready to ski...

In other news... I'm sleeping at the office again tonight... and just a peek into how ridiculous I am... I actually got excited about coming back in. Granted, that loses it's luster after about a 1/2 hour of staring at the computer and doing cancellation data entry... but there is a weird little adrenaline rush out of it all.

Anyway... in exercise news... today I shoveled. Nuff said.

Couch 2 5 K Week 2 Day 1, Beginnings of a Blizzard

I'm writing this blog in my froggy fleece pajamas, in my office with the lights out and the air mattress pumped up and ready to go. It's been snowing for a while now, I'm not sure how many inches we've gotten, but a few of us have decided to hunker down for the night so we can take care of the radio station bright and early.

I was able to break away from "snow crew" for a couple of hours at the end of the day and made it to the gym. Sadly, when I went to turn on my ipod, I realized that it wasnt working (hopefully just needs a charge) so I did my run counting in my head... 90 seconds of running, 120 seconds of walking... I'm sure it wasn't quite what it should have been... but I got a run in and also did some sit ups and push ups. No blizzard is keeping me down :)

Sunny Sunday, Couch 2 5K Run 3 Woo Hoo

Yesterday was a beautiful day... I was sooo thankful for a break from snow crew... and for church. The drive was snowy and sunny and gorgeous... I was excited for worship and it was a really great service. I felt power when I sang and there was a great time of spontaneous worship where everyone seemed to be flowing on the same wave.

After church I headed to the gym prepared to do my 3rd run in the program and finish out week one. While I was changing in the locker room I heard, "Hey, there's a Stacey" and my friend Shirley was there. I ended up joining her for "Jazzercise" and then going for my run. Jazzercise was not quite as "jazz hands" as I expected.. it was a fine work out but nothing like Body Jam as far as level of intensity for me. I'd do it again for a Sunday workout, but not sold...

Shirley joined me for the 3rd installment of my running program. Hooray. The track at the gym was more crowded than normal, but that's my only complaint. It was fun to run with a partner, though I think I might be more apt to push harder when I go by myself. The run was fun. I could talk and run at the same time. I'm ready for week 2. WOO HOO.

Last night I went to a fun Superbowl party... I watched none of the game, ate and talked and then snuck out early to go swing dancing... it was a small crowd with just the right people there for a great night...

Tonight... Body Jam... Tomorrow... more snow.

Blizzard 2010

It came. It snowed. It conquered. Wow.

So I was right about the plans getting canceled, but was reminded that snow days actually mean no down time for me... oh well... i guess there can be worse things than having to be online all day for work. :)

Funny story from today. I went out for a round of shoveling the sidewalk, only to head back in and realize I had locked myself out. ZOINKs. After attempting to shove the front door open and slightly freaking out, I made my way around to the back of the house. The door to the kitchen wouldn't budge so I headed to the roof and thankfully was able to get the window open... Wooo hoo. Let me tell you, though... there was a lot of snow on that roof (which I should go shovel)... and it is freaky walking on a roof when you can't see it through the snow. But I got in and all is well.

I love the snow. It's a lot different when you are an adult though, But it's not all bad. I work with a great team. Everyone pitches in to get things done... I've worked a pretty long day today, but someone stepped up so I don't have to tomorrow like I was supposed to. Woo Hoo... and not all my plans got ruined. Soon, my brother and sister in law will be over for dinner... there's food ready to be eaten, including some chocolate chip cookies that I may or may not have sampled 2 or 3 of while they were warm... oops... then back to work

Couch to 5 K Week one, 2nd Run and stuff

Today started off with a burst... I made it to my 1 hr "Body Pump" class at the gym and then ran my 2nd of 3 runs for the week for the Couch to 5K. I definitely was feeling ready to be done by the last couple of intervals... but it wasn't too bad... Woo hoo.

It was a good feeling to get so much done so early... I even made it to the grocery store before work... although the place had been ravaged by the blizzard buyers... I honestly was just out of food... I would have gone today snow or no snow... :) (and there was plenty of bread and milk... but not so much on the produce... interesting... New Years resoluters?)

We're supposed to get blasted with a blizzard... all my weekend plans are up in the air, but I actually don't mind. Some free time/down time/spontaneous city fun is on the horizon... and some extra hours at work for snow crew... wee.

Couch to 5 K Day One Week One

I'm 35 and I've NEVER been a runner. Ever. or a jock of any sort. I played basketball in 8th grade and was no good. I tried summer camp with field hockey but nope. Sixth grade soccer... I was a sweeper, I think it's called... defense... little to no running required. I could walk all day... but running was my enemy. Later in life, well lets just say I was carrying a lot around to try to run with... and actually it was the furthest thing from my mind.

Welp... last summer I had tried to challenge myself to mix some running in with my walking, but didn't have a ton of success... mostly because I was doing it for the wrong reasons, I think. So, recently when I was walking and threw in some runs, I noticed that i could run much further without almost dying. :)

Well, my friend Erica had told me about this couch to 5k podast program, and I was interested. Today I plugged in my ipod and hit the sidewalks. (by the way, re-thinking the whole cut off sweats thing on a cold/snowy day... my legs are very red).

So anyway, I did it! It's intervals of walking 90 seconds/running 60 seconds for like half an hour or so. It was actually fun and the minutes didn't seem that long. I'm excited. I don't know how faithful I'll be with the program considering that I am going to classes at the gym 2-3 x a week and dancing 2-3x a week... but I'm going to keep challenging myself to incorporate running into my lifestyle and workouts and who knows, you may just see me out there at one of those 5ks in the future!

I know so many people and I love so many people... then there are people I think gee, I want to know you, how can I know you? How CAN I? There are only 24 hours in a day. How do we love the people we need to love well enough in that amount of time? Only by God's grace, that's for sure. I think about the conversations I have and realize that I need to be so much more present... conversations with friends, family, God... I'm so easily distracted and so often unaware of the needs of the people around me...while so selfishly aware of my own needs, desires, agendas. Again, like I said in a previous post... may I be more present in each moment.

This Sunday we sang "Fling wide the doors to my soul, open up the door to my heart have your way" to God... and yesterday I think He said alright then... here we go... yesterday I think God started asking me if I was willing to change my plans for vacation in the spring... To be continued...

What is it about sad songs that I love so much? I'm in love with the blues... because I can feel the song in my bones, in my inner core, practically. Some songs feel like a prayer to me... like the Yael Naim song "Lonely"... it literally rips me apart... it's such a slow moving song. I'm going to try to learn to sing it, but it's going to take a lot of restraint to sing it properly. But back to the point.. the blues... relating to someone else's pain, diving into it and saying, " I feel you" maybe? The groove of the music, definitely... and dancing to it... oh dancing to the blues is amazing to me... because you have to feel the music and the connection with your lead. I like to close my eyes and figure out how the music and the very slight movements of the lead are trying to to move me. Being moved by music...yeah, I love it.

My first inclination is not usually to pray. It's to do. To help. To fix. To listen. To discuss. To make you smile or laugh or anything... I have to fight my flesh and fight it and fight it. I know in my head that I can't fix anything... especially this, but I stew, and text, and write and cry and wonder... then I pray. So backwards.

I want to suck the pain out... like they tell you to do when a person gets a venomous snake bite... suck out the pain and spit it out...

I know the medicine doesn't always taste sweet right away... sometimes there is bitterness first. I know that masking the taste doesn't help... but I want to do something more.

I feel like I'm sitting behind a soundproof window screaming.

I know it is not for me to fix, because it has already been done. I know that the pain is being carried, the load lightened, the heart healed, the wounds cleansed... I'm thankful for that.

For now I'll pray, and hope and cry for you and wait for the day that things look brighter, taste better, and you feel that peace that is already within you.

Needing Connection

It's interesting when certain words/themes start to repeat themselves in our lives. I've seen this happen from time to time... maybe I've even blogged about it before. The word connection has become more and more significant recently.

Several months ago when we were re-forming our small group of friends from church to organize for our next round of life and Bible Studies... we came up with the name "Connection." We needed a name for our group for the purposes of getting the word out at church, etc and rather than being the... "older than young adults group"... this is what we came up with. For us, our "small group" is all about connecting... coming together as friends, sharing food, ideas, dreams, prayers, life, and reading scripture together and discussing it.

Have I mentioned before that I love to dance?? Oh yeah, it's all I've been talking about lately. Well, in partner dancing... connection is key. You have to physically connect. This is how the lead communicates to the follow and the follow responds. There should be a degree of emotional/soul connection so eye contact helps too. When you have connection, you can move across the dance floor together with ease. When you are not connected... it is obvious... you both feel it and anyone watching can tell. Connection is key. This connection involves a physical tension and giving and receiving.

Connection is also a necessity spiritually.

John 15: ⁵"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. ⁸This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

We need to be connected to our source... to God, to His Word, to His Spirit. It's crucial to our survival, productivity and happiness.

I am made to be connected. It requires tension, time, contact, giving, receiving, togetherness... but it is good.

Presence/Presents

As it's getting closer to the holidays... Thanksgiving, Christmas, the beginning of a new year, and as I'm at the end of a very intense and heart changing conference at my church... I find myself thinking about a lot of things a lot differently.

One phrase that's been going through my head is Presence Not Presents. This year, not just because of the economy (though I admit, financially I can't afford much) I want to focus on Presence not presents. I know you are thinking, yes... Keep Christ in Christmas... it's not about the gift, but the giver... and yes that is true... but I'm thinking on a couple of other wavelengths here, too.

Presence

• I want to be really emotionally/mentally present no matter where I am... at work, at fun gatherings, at church, in prayer, at the grocery store, in the shower... I don't want to be thinking ahead to the next event, the next to do list, the next song or dance or the next vacation.
  

• I want to truly abide in the presence of God... as His. I want His presence to fill me and to be the driving force in my life. I don't like that song Jesus Take the Wheel very much, but that's what I want. For me to take the backseat and for Him to drive as I yield to His Presence.
  

• I want to literally be present with the people I love. I can't wait to go home and see my mom and dad and relatives and give them a big hug at Christmas. I'm excited to celebrate Thanksgiving with my friend Wendy and with my small group. I have gained a whole new circle of friends through swing dancing and I look so forward to all the fun things planned for the next several weeks as we dance the nights away into the New Year!!! I love the way our office really can enjoy each other all the time, but especially during this season with the special events we do. We make a point of being with each other.
  

Sure, I have some shopping and gift giving planned. But I truly hope that I will be more conscious of my presence, your presence and His presence as I go through this season of celebration!

My Blog is Pink

The girls in my small group got together this past weekend for a tea... tea and testimonies. It was a great day to enjoy each others company, great food... and girly things. I like being a woman. There was a time that I think I tried to downplay it because of my insecurities... not that I was a tom-boy or anything but I think because I felt unattractive I just didn't "go there" so I said I hated pink and girly things... but I really don't know that that was ever true... I guess we all went through the grunge phase... or many of us did... wearing flannels, and just being fairly blah... but I think this was deeper rooted for me.

So now my blog is pink and I like it...and I am happy with who I am.

I've come a long way

So, I'm feeling pretty encouraged these days. It started with falling in love with dancing and is gaining momentum as I've also fallen in love with going to the gym. I found these old IDs from when i was at my heaviest... now this was before my surgeries back in 04 and 05... and I was on steroids... but I was also frequenting Friendly's and pretty much living my life sitting on the couch or in bed watching t.v.

I'll be 35 in December and I can safely say I'm probably at my healthiest ever... (I've weighed less, but I'm talking overall"... hoping and praying to keep heading in this direction!!! Thank you God for your mercy and grace!!!

i can have a blog, i have thoughts!

I saw Julie and Julia last night with some friends and loved it. I hadn't been to the movies in a while until last Friday when I saw 500 Days of Summer and then Julie and Julia last night. Loved both. I want the soundtrack from 500 Days for sure.

I loved Julie's line that I titled my blog with. It was so sweet. I do have to laugh at my blogging sometimes. We are a funny culture... wanting so badly to share our thoughts with others in outlets like blogs, facebook, twitter... either fantasizing that someone is going to read our writing and find us to be genius or be on the other extreme thinking surely I can write my deepest darkest secrets and surely noone will ever see them...

But back to the movies... I haven't had time to see too many lately... but it sure is fun to just sit back and be transported somewhere else for a couple of hours. 500 Days of Summer was great because I laughed and cried... it was fantastical in some ways yet more realistic than most "love stories" which this movie adamantly reminds you it is NOT a love story. (but it is, sorta). And like I mentioned before... GRRRREAT soundtrack.

I was warned to be sure and eat before watching Julie and Julia and it's true. (though eating pizza wasn't the best choice knowing my intestinal fortitude is not up to par these days). But I digress... seriously... (although what does that phrase really mean)... Anyway... lots of eating and cooking and butter being slathered willy nilly. mmm. I feel like cooking. But it was more than cooking, of course. Real human struggles with finding self, relationships,balance.... I loved Amy Adams and Meryl Streep... and Stanley Tucci and Chris Messina... Big crush on Chris, for sure. :) and Jane Lynch totally cracked me up as Julias sister.

And now... blogging about a movie about blogging about food has made me hungry. :)

So Much To Learn

The other night at swing dancing... my recent addiction and passion, I was dancing with a fairly seasoned dancer and got out of step. I told him, "sorry, still learning" and his response to me was "i'm still learning, too".

I've been thinking about that a lot today. It was comforting then and it's comforting now. It's ok to get out of step once in a while.

Finding Rest

Today it broke. The stiff upper lip, the "I'm ok facade", the guard I put up. God took it. I sooo needed that. Not that anything is necessarily, literally, wrong... I just realized how tired I am... physically, emotionally, spiritually... definitely spiritually... because I have not rested in Him in so long. Sure I've rested... I slept for a ridiculous number of hourse when I got home from Purple Door and the nights following... but I haven't gotten rest that you get from drinking from a cool perfect life giving spring... until today.

I"m thankful that no matter how many times i cycle through and remember what I keep forgetting that God brings me back where I need to be.

He is satisfied with me. My weak and screwed up body that I don't understand how to take care of. My stubborn, lazy, selfish self. He gets me. He made me. He leads me to become better. I can rest in that. I MUST rest in that.

It's In My Blood

Ever since I was a little girl I have loved to dance. I took tap and ballet for a few years and even did a tap solo to the song "Birth of the Blues" complete with cartwheels and kicks. Yes, I was the shiz (only in my mind and my parents). (Thank you Jesus I don't have to don a tutu for swing dancing.)

Dancing is in my blood... on my dad's side of the family every family wedding and many of the larger family reunions included a band or dj getting us all out on the dance floor... jive, two step, polka, whatev... My parents went out dancing when I was a kid...and they grew up going to "dances" as teenagers... I loved dancing with my father and uncles and cousins and still do. I hope someday to have a wedding like the ones I grew up with... One big celebration with LOTS of dancing.

Between college and "life" there had been several years where there wasn't as much dancing in my life, besides going out with my cousin when I visited home, for no other reason than it didn't come up. Lately, though, my love for dancing has returned and I'm finding tons of opportunities between the swing dancing community (I've been going a couple times a week), line dancing, and the promise of heading somewhere local to "just dance" (just have to find the "right" place.

I'm having a blast. I'm thankful to be at a place in my life where I can enjoy this... and thinking back to where I was at in life last year realizing I could have missed this... and so it's another reason to be thankful for God's timing.

VT/PA and the things I love

Home in Vermont. It's sooo nice. So peaceful. I wish I could live in two places at once.

Things I love about my home in Vermont:

family and friends
peace and quiet
slower pace
wild animals (since I've been home I've seen many deer, 2 turkeys, a hummingbird, the swallow and it's babies in their nest on the porch, kittens that showed up in my parents barn)
the lilacs and honeysuckle growing in the woods
4 wheeler rides
familiarity
Lake Champlain
various small bodies of water (rivers, lakes, ponds)
sitting out on the porch
skiing
hiking
driving around looking for deer
being taken care of
walking out the door and into the woods if I want to
how around every corner memories are triggered
the patio
being able to help mom and dad


Things I love about my home in PA
family and friends
accesibility of fun things to do (music events, coffee shops, local pubs, swing dancing, line dancing, etc)
the Church at large
my church family
my apartment/space
my roommate
independence
walking Lancaster City
accesibility to things I need (can walk somewhere to get milk, market, bandaids, etc)
proximity to other places to visit (Philly, DC (though I've never explored there), NYC, etc.

joyful, hopeful, patient faith

JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER. JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER. JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER.

Man, oh man, do I need to keep reciting this!!

Ebenezer Not Scrooge

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Jeshanah, and named it Ebenezer; for he said, "Thus far the Lord has helped us..." 1 Sam. 7:12

At our staff retreat, we had a very inspiring message given by a local pastor. He talked to us about being made in God's image and the power of names. Did I mention it was inspiring. (at least for me). He talked to us about the things we carry and how we see ourselves and then talked about what our names are. How we often live based on the things we carry (our issues) rather than the truth of our name. For example "Ebenezer" means help stone" NOT scrooge.

At the end of the message he gave each of us a flat stone to write our name on and decorate as we desired. He suggested that if one of us in the office was going through something we could make a statement of support by stacking our stones on their desks to let them know we are there for them and that God is our helper, etc.

So, we come back from the retreat and the next day (it was the week before the surgery) I come into my office to find that several of my friends in the office had started a little "ebenezer" pile for me. It was truly encouraging. Of course I should expect nothing less than encouragement from my friends considering their track record of being ridiculously amazing.

By the way, I learned that Stacey comes from the name of a 4th Century Dalmatian saint (not the dog, however I did have a dalmation named Sheba growing up). Stacey (or Anastasius) was martyred. As an English name it has been used since the Middle Ages. A famous bearer of the name was the youngest daughter of the last Russian Tsr nicholas II who was rumored to have escaped the execution of her amily in 1918. If you google it, the name Stacey means resurrection, or bountiful grapes. Interesting, eh.

The Process of Healing

So that's what my scar looks like so far. Not bad, right. Today I tried on one of my necklaces and it practically covered it... but was too uncomfortable to have something touching it so we'll wait to go the necklace route...

I have been thinking about the healing process today. Not just in the light of this surgery, but in life in general.

I was talking to Fred about how impatient I am about singing. I know I can... my voice is ok... but the muscles are very weak and it hurts when I try. A part of me wants to exercise the muscles to make them stronger, but we both agreed this is not the time... I need to be patient and let it heal. Also, I was dizzy the other day and called the Dr and was reminded that even though I am able to be up and around and doing things, I need to realize my body will be healing for at least a few months and I need to listen to it!

All that to be said... sometimes I get frustrated with myself for thoughts I have about relationships, hurts, struggles that I am still healing from. Sometimes I don't get why I am still dealing with it... I mean it's been X amount of time... shouldn't I be fine, shouldn't we just be able to heal and get over it? But healing is a process. God doesn't require us to withstand more than we can bear, but he does require us to go through a process of healing and promises not to leave us while we go through it.

So patience. Patience. Just like the little turtle. Don't be in such a hurry. I'll try not to.

My Reset Button

As I've been recovering from surgery I've had a lot of time to think. Admittedly, most of the time, rather than thinking of anything valuable, I was either watching tv or reading... but one thing did come to mind. I think that part of this whole surgery/being out of commission for a while scenario for me was used to slow me down.

You know... "he makes me lie down in green pastures"... I think God needed to make me lay down. Now of course, there is the medical side... I needed to have that inflamed, noduled up lobe of my thyroid removed for health reasons, but I think i also needed to shut down. It's like God decided it was time to press my reset button.

By the way... healing is going really well. I feel like the scar is going to fade nicely (and am using some special ointment to try and help along that process). At this point I'm still a bit weak and light headed with some achiness but doing really well... and thankful for the overwhelming love and affection I've received.

all the kings horses come running?

Wednesday night on my drive home from "Lost" night at the Placencia's. (GOOD TIMES) I let myself get self absorbed. (I know, what else is knew these days). I was thinking through my myriad of health stuff and was mentally comparing myself to Humpty Dumpty... and praying that God would put me back together again soon. (it's amazing how deep in thought I can get driving only a few blocks).

So, I got home, was carrying my crock pot with leftover buffalo chicken dip, a bag with some celery in it and my purse. I get inside, unlock my door, and begin to ascend the stairs... and fall. Hard. Landing with my kneee in the step resulting in big bruised egg, and hit my chest on the crock pot (nice bruise there, too). I thought for sure Shauna (my roommate) or my scary (but thoughtful) neighbor Dan would hear me moaning. I limped up the stairs and got ready for bed.

But isn't that funny. I have to wonder if God was using his sense of humor there, if it was a coincidence or what. Or... of course there's the fact that I'm a ridiculous clutz. There's always that.

Candy, Candy, Candy

So, I really love starbursts. (and skittles, and swedish fish and other chewy candy) From time to time I'll have a candy dish out on my desk filled to the brim to share with my co-workers. (and of course gorge myself with throughout the day) Of course the pinks and reds are usually the first to go. WELL... I was at our local Giant Foodstore and found some individual packets of "Favor-reds"... a variety pack of all the yummy pink and red flavors. Weeeee. It doesn't take much to thrill me, now does it?

Leaning

After yesterday's post about Faith, I headed to my Tuesday night worship set at the House of Prayer. Many of the songs that our worship leader had chosen revolved around letting go, God moving in power, etc... so I was definitely engaged in crying out to God through the songs. After our time was through and I debriefed and prayed with my team, I went to the Healing Rooms next door. (Place to receive individual prayers for specific personal needs). I prayed with a few people and it did help. I realized that I still have some disappointment I'm dealing with from my past health issues. I also realized I needed to ask for forgiveness for certain unbelief, but also forgive myself.

I am so thankful for encouraging friends who have been through it and allow me to think/deal out loud.

I also got a pamphlet with a bunch of scriptures about faith, promises, healing, etc.

Faith

I think I emailed most of you who read this about my consultation with the surgeon today. If not, let me know and I"ll fill you in. So in a month from now I will be back in the hospital to have part or all of my thyroid removed because of precancerous stuff. However, I believe that God heals. So I am believing that God is going to heal me and I'll get in there and the Dr will open me up to find nothing, no nodules, no Cancer. Praise Jesus. Except this is a tricky thing, to be honest about. I know that God loves me and can heal and does heal. I trust that. However, when it comes right down to it I don't expect Him to. Mostly because of my previous surgery. I know there are times and reasons etc for everything, but I guess I just have this feeling that God has this as part of my life. I know I can deal with it gracefully and maybe somehow affect others in the midst of it... but what I WANT to believe with all my heart is that He WILL HEAL ME!!! I will keep receiving prayer at every turn and will keep leaning on Him. I just soooo want to have the confidence to believe for a miracle... not just in word, but in my heart. I can believe it for everyone else... no problem. Why not me?

In 5 Years

Remember in the high school yearbook, at least in ours, there was a "in 5 years" section? Mine said that I'd be singing in an Italian Opera. (due to my ridiculously high soprano voice at the time... I think my range has changed a little with age.

We also get asked this questions from time to time at our staff evaluations. Since ours our next week, I was thinking this morning... and realized that in 5 years I'm going to be 39. Almost 40. WHAT! This is the first time I think that when asked the question, I'll care more. My answer in the past has always been, "ah whatever" "go with the flow" that kind of thing. Thinking in terms of my age causes me to want to take that question a little more seriously. Where DO I want to be in 5 years?

dry

Is it me or is it dryer than normal this Winter? I feel like I am constantly slathering some kind of lotion or chapstick on. Or maybe it's just me?

Hidden

On Saturday during the worship/prayer set that I'm on at Gateway House of Prayer we were focusing partly on Psalm 31... which talks about taking refuge in the Lord, Him being our Rock, etc. I came to a realization or had a deeper revelation of what that means. I think I've had a fairly narrow view of what this means. When I have pictured being hidden in the "cleft of the Rock", I picture myself hiding in one of the big cracks in the boulders surrounding the house where I grew up, or on the hike to the pinnacle... you know what I mean, where you pretend you're in a cave when you are a kid... anyway, I saw it as a hiding place. Which is true...

Taking this fact to a deeper dimension, though, I realized that being hidden in Him involves being enfolded by God Himself. It involves a leaning in on our part, a running to Him, a trusting. Taking refuge in Him is not only hiding from the bad guys, so to speak, but also an allowing of Him to be all that we need.

Also, it's more than Him being bigger and stronger than us. (though I'm so thankful He is) It's the fact that when we are encompassed by Him, the enemy cannot touch us because of His holiness. We in our sin cannot be seen when He is completely covering us.

Don't you love when scripture comes to light in a new way? The whole picture of Him enfolding us was really mind blowing. I kind of pictured a mix between a dad with a huge blanket covering me and a being with these huge soft wings wrapping me up where I cannot be seen and am completely safe.

3 of My Favorites

Singing, reading and writing are 3 of my favorite things. This week has been a good one for all 3. Like most weeks, I did a lot of singing... between church, the House of Prayer, my shower, my car... etc. I was pretty excited/nervous about singing a solo in a song we sang at church... "You Won't Relent" by Misty Edwards. It's a song that I love, so it was really exciting to get to sing it at church. It's interesting... I do have to deal with my "stuff" when it comes to doing a solo kind of thing... it's really important to me that I really worship when I'm on worship team... I don't want to be in a performance mentality... as much as I want to do well... if that makes sense. I also don't want to get to overly into the whole solo thing... because as someone who loves the arts, I know it is easy for a weird competitive thing to rise up in me in wanting to be the one picked, blah blah...so it was fun and good for the soul.

I've been reading since I was really little... my parents like to tell the stories of me reading the bible at some ridiculous age where I'm sure I didn't understand much of what I was reading. Anyway, this weekend was the first meeting of a new book club I'm involved with. It's fun because it's with friends that I LOVE to spend time with and women that I have a lot of respect for so... good times. The first book we are going to read is "The Three Cups of Tea" by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin. Apparently there is a Baltistan proverb that ring's true with theme of the book: "The first time you share tea with a Balti, you are a stranger," a villager tells Greg Mortenson. "The second time, you are an honored guest. The third time you become family.".. It's a nonfiction. I'm excited about it. I"m also working my way through the Mitford series by Jan Karon, and "How Not to Date a Loser"... which I'm actually learning a lot from.

Writing... I hadn't been doing as much of that lately... but I pulled out a poem I had written several weeks ago... I actually got the inspiration on my walk home from seeing Denison Witmer at The Chameleon. I'll post it below... I've done a few drafts, but I like this one, I think:

Droplets on Branches

I’ve looked closely to find
The nature of love
From passion to pain
In a breath

droplets on branches
left from Autumn rain
shine in the moonlight
dry up in the sun

Your kisses that lingered
On skin soft and warm
Have Melted away
in my tears

Footprints on sidewalks
Through fresh Winter snow
Melt in the sunlight
Were you ever here?

So Many Blessings to Count

Thanksgiving is past, (though the leftovers remain) and I am thinking about thankfulness some more... I think I do count my blessings fairly often. Here are some of the things I've been thankful for today:

• that I have a family that has taught me how to be loving and receive love affectionately

• for friends that I can go be girlie with and go for coffee, or shoe and purse shopping when I need a diversion

• for friends to share holidays and special moments with when I can't make it up north

• for a really great roommate. It's important to be comfortable and happy in your home and I am!
  

• my car... it's nice to have one I'm proud of and can rely on

• health insurance.
  

• a thoughtful brother who knows me so well and is one of my best friends

• Hope
  

it's beginning to look a lot like

Yeah, I know Thanksgiving hasn't happened yet. And I have not broken out any of my Christmas paraphanalia yet, but my heart is heading in that direction. This morning there were flurries, which was extremely exciting and beautiful. I listened to some James Taylor Christmas with Melody and today the Rosie Thomas song "Why Can't It Be Christmastime All Year". Fun. I still am waiting for decorating until after Thanksgiving... which is soon.

I have some gift ideas in mind...we'll see... this year I don't feel as alone in the low fundage scenario... I think just about everyone is cutting back. I think it lends to more creative gifting so that could be fun, actually. Some time spent gifts, perhaps.

I'm going to be 34 soon. Weird. WEEIIRRDDD. There is a lot that I still can't believe hasn't happened yet in my life, and some things that I am shocked HAVE happened. Life is unpredictable that's for sure.

I had a conversation last night about goals that got me thinking... about what things are within my power and what aren't. About what measurable success is. Still chewing on this, and might have more to share on it later.

and Closer...

I was thinking about the title/url to my blog... closer-to-fine. I came up with that as my title years ago. Certainly, I don't equate my life to the lyrics of the song with the same title... at all. (though musically I love "the girls") But I do feel like life's a journey and hopefully I am always getting closer to the Truth in it and closer to loving myself and God the way I should. (I know that God has done big things in that area already, but know there's a long way to go!!!)

Today after I chose the picture I'm using for my blog of me as a little 4th grader in Cape Cod... I was thinking about the "become like a child" verse. It says "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." I also found this verse in Phillipians. " Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe "

Although I am, in fact, quite child-like in many ways...as my friends can attest to. I have a lot farther... or closer to go. And, we are not naturally that way... we have to "change and become" like children.

...and I love the phrase "Shine like stars in the universe". How beautiful is that?

Life As a Blank Sheet

Last night I led discussion at small group and we talked about surrender... one of the analogies I found when planning was that if we were to have a contract with God it should be a blank sheet of paper where we sign on the bottom and allow him to fill in the details as we go along. I know I've had times in my life where I said... ok, God I give you A, B, and C but this seems different. SO much more all encompassing. The other thing I keep learning is that I have to DAILY surrender... actually moment by moment. Lately, I've been struggling with my thoughts and being defeated by them and I HAVE GOT TO take them captive one by one and hand them over.

I'm pretty excited about the weekend ahead. Tonight I am going to lay low with some girl friends and watch movies, eat crap and just veg. I haven't done that in a LONG time. The rest of the weekend is pretty open... in fact besides my time at the House of Prayer and church I am free... so hopefully some R &R, time outdoors, or housework... we'll see.

I'm excited... the Gateway House of Prayer has been open 24/7 for a while now, but we are 1 hr away from being staffed 24/7, too... this means anytime somebody goes in they will never be alone there. I think that's pretty exciting. Where two or more are gathered... and God is worthy of 24/7 praise! (and our world needs people praying round the clock, too).

No More Que Sera Sera

I have to confess... with difficult decisions and choices in life, including the upcoming election; I have caught myself saying "whatever will be, will be..." I was reminded that this is not so. If we pray, God hears us from Heaven and answers us according to His will. We are to pray for His Kingdom to come and His Will to be done. God wants us to be involved. He wants us to surrender ourselves, our plans and our futures to Him... not throw our hands in the air and give up.

Today I spoke to a friend who admitted she is still undecided about her vote. That was another reminder to me that there are many who's minds are not made up about this election... and those who do have their minds made up that God might even decide to change! Pray for God to give us all wisdom!

There's the Rub

So, eating right to promote weight loss and good health is something I keep trying to improve at. Constant Battle. Most of you know that I had surgery in the past (surgery 1 in 2004, surgery 2 in 2005) to remove my colon (large intestine) due to Ulcerative Colitis and pre-cancerous cells. So, I am now 3 years out from the final surgery and for the most part see a lot of improvement in my life from it. (those of you who have traveled with me before and after the surgery are well aware of how much further I can go without having to make stops). However, from time to time I'll deal with issues related to my diet/stress/environment, etc that relate to having no large intestine/digestive issues. Recently, I made quite a few adjustments to my diet in an attempt to promote weight loss/general health/etc... but I've also found myself with some issues/discomfort that includes getting up numerous times in the night.

So, today I decided to do some research on a site for people like me. Most of what I found I already knew... but it still continues to frustrate me! Of course the first thing they tell you is that it's trial and error and as time passes foods may cease to or begin to become problems. Oh, and the healthy stuff... broccoli, salad and greens like spinach, green beans, raw fruits and vegetables... are all things that are typically problems. I knew/know that things like beer/alcohol/caffeine/sugar/spicy foods and chocolate can be problems... but these are also things most anyone should avoid when trying to be healthy.

So here I am trying once again to adjust my diet so that I won't deal with discomfort and digestive issues but yet can lose weight. And I am not one of those people who loses weight due to the illness (that would be one side affect I would probably not mind as much). I had been on a roll with exercise... but because of some of my overnight episodes I haven't been able to get up as easily/felt up to it... so I have to get to the bottom of this. (although some of it is also due to the time change and darkness when I wake up...)

*******

On the up side... I freakin loved the Zumba class... had I mentioned that yet? I'm looking forward to going back next week.

That is an old old pic from a time me and Karen went to VT. (how many years ago was that anyway?)

Today I am thankful for leftovers from concerts... since Ashlea is catering we reap the benefits in the office and it has helped me stretch this paycheck, which was very needed.

My roommate might be moving her piano into our apartment. When she asked my permission, I was like... DUH... heck yes. I am hoping it happens because I'd love to get to practice on it... and maybe even take those piano improv. lessons from my friend Mark that I never got around to before.

I'm realizing that I really need to update my fall and winter wardrobe... my sweaters are really kinda outdated... Today I am enjoying wearing my black fleece... so comfy.

Keep praying for the election. Keep praying for the current administration. Vote your conscience... after first lining up your conscience with scripture and God's guidance. Then, after the election... keep praying for whoever is in office. God can do miracles no matter who ends up in office.

While you're at it... keep praying for me. Every time I think I'm almost over you-know-who... I get hit with another blast of missing him.

autumn weekend recap

This weekend was very Autumn-y. Friday night, me, my friends Erica and Amy went line dancing... it's held at this barn/farmers market place and is very cheap and fun. (if you ever want in, let me know). Then, we went to the Lyndon Diner for dinner/breakfast. mmm scrapple :) Saturday after my worship set at Gateway I went to the Renaissance Faire with Gwend and Cyndee ... wine tasting, music, food, ale and cool autumn air all day was lovely and I was ready to climb into flannel sheets at the end of it all. Sunday after church I walked Lancaster Art Walk with Sherri (my sister in law) which was lovely... and then I crashed early in the evening. Ahhhhh.

At the Gateway worship set we really focused in on God's goodness... I got kind of overwhelmed by the character of God and how much there is to Him... which lead right into the message at church Sunday entitled "Big God". He is so rich and full and huge and awesome.

Tonight i am going to be adventurous and check out my friend Sarah's Zumba class at the Y. It's a dance oriented exercise class... so I think I will like it... but she will surely kick my butt.

A luncheon, a dream (or two), a cutie and a thought

This morning I had a fun change of routine... I "catered" a business luncheon at our office... (see picture)... I did not cook a thing... Giant and Costco take the credit, but I felt like it went well and it was fun. I brought some fall-ish items from home to decorate so it wasn't all plastic table cloths and chips in a bag and what not... not the typical ghetto lunch that I throw for the staff here at the office. :)

I have been dreaming a lot lately. The other night I dreamt about my recent ex and that was annoying. Last night I dreamt about going back to college and most of my friends were there. I attribute it to the recent re-connection with so many people from the forge on facebook. One very interesting/funny thing I remember was my friends Lauren and Paul walking around campus with glasses of wine (it was a Bible College so that wouldn't have flown)... then I had a glass that I broke and for some reason was walking around my dorm with a size-able shard of it in my mouth... and yes I cut the inside of my throat with it. What the?

Last night I babysat for Evie Grace. She is a-freakin-dorable. I love her. For real. Memorable moment from last night...I am attempting to change her diaper... of which I need much practice... and am having a bit of trouble maneuvering. During this time... Evie is being so good, but starting to get slightly irritated at my lack of skill or agility. She begins to say (and sign) "patience" "patience" repeatedly. Needless to say I hugged her and gave her whatever she wanted after that... :) The second diaper change went much better... I think.

One more thing... I had this thought. Yes really. I was thinking that perhaps my disappointment about how things were handled with this recent break up is almost hypocritical to a certain extent. You see, just like I felt like "he" went from hot to cold with me without warning... I think about how I lavish my love on the Lord... will sing of my love for him and of dancing with him, resting in his arms... you know... intimacy... and then ignore Him for days...or act like it never happened. Though it's different, it did strike me. I want to be a true and consistent lover of God... just as I hope to someday have that from a lover in this life... and am thankful that He (God) is always consistent and true and passionate and kind to me.

Good Breaking

So something broke today... in a good way. I'm not the only one who felt it. YESSSSSSSS. THANK YOU JESUS.

I attribute it to prayer. Some of us prayed together the other day at the office and I think that was very significant.

So, last night I was up watching t.v. for a while after getting home from the parade. I then had trouble falling asleep... which I attribute, partially, to eating pizza... but I digress... Anyway, I was up a few times. At 3:30, it was significant, though. I had either been thinking or dreaming about the president entering the room and how when he does, everybody stands. Then I thought about royalty and then the Lord... and suddenly, literally I had a whole song... all the lyrics in one shot. I feel they came from God and I've had some level headed people confirm that they believe it, too. Another good friend admitted he was awake at 3:30 this am and found it significant... I'll find out details later... but here's the song:

(I picture it being heavy in the drum/percussion area kind of in the vein of Nicole C Mullen "Freedom" or something "world beat" maybe almost like a chant or the "Victory March" .... I don't have music for it yet, though. )

Get On Your Feet

Stand Up
for there is royalty in this place
Stand Up
the King is here
Stand Up
to sit would surely be a disgrace
Stand Up
when He is near

No more dy-ing
No more cry-ing
No more worries
No more fear
No more danger
No more strangers
No more anger
The King is here

Stand Up
for there is royalty in this place
Stand Up
the King is here
Stand Up
to sit would surely be a disgrace
Stand Up
when He is near

Celebration
Jubilation
Halelujah
Our names are clear
Can you see it
Can you hear it
Can you feel it
The Day is here

Stand Up
Do you need help standing to your feet
Stand Up
then take my hand
Stand up
for we are just about to be led
Stand Up
to the promised Land

Get up on your feet, Get Up on your feet, It's time to Get up on your feet. Everybody get up on your feet (or something like that)

All I've Got

I promise my posts won't always be this intense...

A lot is swirling around right now in my world and I think that is the same for most of you, too... and this is more than just the story of a girl with a broken heart... life has just been less fun the past few weeks for several reasons.

Recently, I've felt out of control, exhausted, disappointed, frustrated, angry... yet still hopeful and clinging to a joy deeper than what I can see with my eyes. Today is better than yesterday and I believe it will continue to head in that direction.

I'm trying to focus my heart on what is good, right, lovely, etc. Some phrases/verses that I'm trying to keep on the forefront of my mind are:

Be still and know that I am God

Leaning on the everlasting arms

I will not leave you or forget you

On Christ the solid rock I stand when all around is sinking sand

Do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself

For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
You make all things new

There was no sweat or butt cracks (see previous post for clarity on that) this morning. I'll at least get some exercise walking at First Friday tonight... and I'm making a healthy dinner, so that will be good...especially since I have been gradually letting the junk food back into my life this week. No more... I say, no more.

This weekend will be good and hopefully very fun... First Friday tonight with a strange conglomeration of friends. Tomorrow night the Art Music Justice concert... Sara Groves, Derek Webb, Brandon Heath, Charlie Peacock and Sandra McCracken! Plus a pre-show trip to TJ Rockwells which for me will include a Blueberry Wheat ale... with blueberries in it... Y-U-M. Sunday after church I'm supposed to do something fun and active outside with my friend Erica... so yes... good, distracting fun.

One more thing... last night at our small group affectionately called The Pub, God knew exactly what I needed. My friend Mark led and instead of our typical discussion/scripture kind of night, he played keyboard and we did some singing and some just praying/corporate quiet time similar to what I'm used to at Gateway House of Prayer. It was uncomfortable for me in a good way...

I'm so selfish. Really. I mean when life was sunshine and rainbows I was all about me and how great my life was. Now that I'm feeling more cloudy and... well like what some like to refer to as "shite" today... it's still about me and my whiny self. Gross. I so want to think on those things that are right and pleasing and good... thus focus my attention on God and others. Sometimes it just doesn't come naturally... I guess most times, eh. Bleck. The thing I DON"T want to have happen is I don't want to fall into a slump or hibernate or anything like that. I just want to move through this tunnel as quickly as possible.

On a related note... I have been getting out to exercise every day for several weeks and it's been awesome...in more ways than just weight loss. I didn't get up and go the last 2 days... I think that has a major affect on my outlook and how I feel physically beyond just being slightly depressed. Tomorrow... there will be sweat and increased heart rate if I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn... if dawn has one of those?

Hope

So, I just returned from vaca. in Maine with my mom and Great Aunt Shirley. It was a relaxing time, for sure. As often as possible, I got out on the beach and went walking which was therapeutic... although I think I did a little too much thinking at times. The one day, I wrote "hope" in the sand kind of as a reminder to myself. I love the Sara Groves song with the lyrics

"Hope has a way of turning *its* face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope"

It's a tough time, but I'm turning a corner in my healing process. If you asked me last week I might have said that the past 3 months have been like a drive up an amazing mountain to a breathtaking view that ended abruptly with someone driving me off a cliff ... yet today I am seeing that when I was driven off the cliff, I was wearing a parachute that is taking me to a landing in a new and more precious place.

Perception

It's amazing and beautiful how God can use someone in your life to show you how He sees you.

Learning About Power

This past year I've learned so much. It's insane, really. Lately, I've been really learning a lot about the power God has given us in prayer and even in speaking to situations. The other night at Gateway House of Prayer I realized that God wants to shine through us like a spot light. You know how we sing, "This Little Light Of Mine"... I got the realization that the light we have to shine is in fact not little at all. It was more than a realization... it was a revelation... I could literally feel like my enter midsection had a spotlight shining through it. So, yeah. I'm learning to pray EXPECTING.

a quick note

Last night I went line dancing with my friend Erica. It felt good to have enough energy to move and have a good time. Unfortunately, now this morning I have the International Harvester song in my head.

Far Removed from This

Wow, I haven't posted at this blog site in a really long time... I tend to do most of my blogging at my myspace. I have used this username to post at some other blogs lately, though... I feel pretty far removed from where I was at when I posted my previous posts here. Suffice it to say, that God has done big things in me the past few years and there are more recent updates at http://www.myspace.com/staceymichelle. Maybe I'll write here from time to time again though.

A quote I read recently that meant a lot to me was this:

"As we learn to worship with purity of heart, our eyes will continue to open and we can expect to see what He wants us to see". -Bill Johnson from "When Heaven Invades Earth"

a stream of consciousness

if i don't start somewhere i'll never finish. if i don't drop something i'll drop it all. if i don't look away i'll see more than i bargained for. if i keep my eyes closed i'll miss something great

if you dont take me with you i'll be ok. if you don't let go of my hand i'll let go first. if you don't look away you'll have to see me leaving. if you turn your eyes away you'll see a new beginning.



Weaving in and weaving out
a strand, a string, a line, a wave.


Tantalizing apologizing supersizing exercising

Mozzerella Balls and Marguerita's

Tonight I learned what I had already gathered...that my new roommate is very hospitable. I went to her house for "Bunko" game night. It was fun and she was an incredible hostess with a delicious variety of food and drinks, and a comfortable and fun atmosphere. I love to have people over and I think I am going to learn a thing or two about entertaining from her. : )

I'm thrilled to have a free weekend ahead. I plan to get some packing done in addition to some down time. I have Kill Bill 1 and Fraggle Rock in from Netflix and Kill Bill 2 on the way. (I remember Colin saying the 2nd one is the better of the two). I'm looking forward to a busy week next week complete with a trip to Philly and then the trek to Creation. YAY!!!

in the doghouse

I just watched Dogville. GEESH. It was a well done movie, very atypical...which I loved...but if the character Grace was supposed to be GRACE...then yikes. It left me feeling pretty empty and crushed. I don't expect movies to always end on a high note, but this one sent me crashing and I was left mourning for everyone in the story. Life is not so bleak as some paint it. I'm so thankful.

from "Under the Tuscan Sun"

"...any arbirtrary turning along the way and I would be elsewhere, I would be different. Whate are 4 walls anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkable good things can happen...even late in the game. It's such a surprise!"

I thought that quote was a good afterthought from the previous post.

Putting Time in a Bottle?

I hope to cherish every moment in these next few months as my daily environment changes shape. There is a bittersweet reality in having best friends as co-workers...because that means when lives change, you don't only lose trusted peers, but your social life gets all rearranged. It's all very good, very exciting and perfect, because I feel that it's Gods timing. It also reminds me that my life is still unfolding, too. It happens so fast. I take so much for granted. I hope to drink it all in this summer so that when this period ends...I can sit back and smile at how special it was and continue to look forward to all that life has in store.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes (Turn and Face the Strain)

Tooo Muccchh caffffeeeiine.

Hm, I wonder when U2 will announce who they are touring with in the fall. Oh the crucial questions that plague my mind. I keep obsessively checking their website.

I've been a bit of an emotional basketcase today. Not outwardly...all inside. Conflicting thoughts of..."hey, give ME attention", but then..."I hope everyone just leaves me alone" went through my head all day at work. I am thankful that I had it together enough not to blurt out some of the things I was thinking. As it is, I hear myself sighing out loud far too often...not out of disatisfaction, really...I think I just get overwhelmed with all my weird thoughts or something. There's gotta be a way to hold that sighing in...although that would probably involve holding in harmful oxides of some sort...or something...but sometimes others hear me sigh and I then feel guilty. Self inflicted guilt, of course. (weird guilt and anxiety runs in my family) I'm such a weirdo.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, already...and June...JUNE. WHOA. I have a lot to make sense of the next couple of months. I hope my little disorganized mind can get it's act together. What I really need to do is make time for quiet time...this morning I had set my alarm a little early to get up and go walking. Walking is usually a wonderful opportunity for me to do this...unfortunately, when my alarm went off I was all confused and forgot why on earth it could possibly be going off...and turned it off. I think I'll do a take 2 tomorrow. I loved my evening walks in college. My favorite music to walk to was a tape with the 77's Sticks and Stones on one side and Dream Academy on the other... "indian...indian summer..." I need to find that tape. I'm sure I have it somewhere.

Good News

YIPPPPPPEEEEEEE. I have a new apartment, a new roommate, and I can finally buy an I Love City Life bumper sticker without feeling like a fraud. : ) Ok, maybe I'll wait a few months on that...

Trying Not to Obsess

I'm panicked. The potential landlord called today to check on our decision. They REALLY want my roommate and I as tenants, but they do have other people looking. I called my roomie today and she is still unsure...supposed to call me tonight. She has called on a couple of other places with no return call. I'm afraid to put this one on hold. I am so afraid of losing this place. I am quite sure that there is not a place that will be as nice as this one. I need to relax. I'm trying to be a little more assertive about this, which is not in my nature. My first response was, "ok, whatever, I'm open to looking"...but I confessed to her today that I really really like this place...enough to take the smaller bedroom (which is really not that small...he reminded me today that they do have a lot of furniture crammed in there which could make it look smaller than it really is. But, really...the place has a dining room AND living room. There is tons of space to spread out. PLUS the laundry room. Ay Yi Yi. (i don't know how to really spell that).

Transition is scary.

I wonder if I will ever get used to the scars on my stomach.

But, I'm Not YET

Today is Mothers Day and I feel like I cheated. At church they gave out flowers and little notepads to all women over 18 and then at Walmart they gave out roses to all the women who look like they could possibly be of child bearing age. It's a nice gesture...but I am not a mom yet. It's kind of like receiving the quilt from my Meme at graduation. She usually gives those to the grandkids at their weddings, but she wasn't sure she'd be alive for mine. Well...she's still alive...

I just watched On Golden Pond. What a simple, beautiful movie. It's actually a good film for Mothers Day. Katherine Hepburn portrays a mother full of spunk, honesty and unconditional love...even for her husband who she refers to as "an old poop" The scenery reminded me so much of our family trip to Northern Canada when I was little. From the sparkling lakes to the sound of the loons.

It's time to start planning a trip to VT. I really miss my parents.

050505

I didn't realize until half way through the day that the date was pretty interesting and that it is/was Cinco de Mayo. What the...

Well, I learned a pretty big lesson tonight. LOOK FOR THE DAMN WEDDING RING!!! (to be honest, I still haven't noticed it. I think his hand might have been in his pocket or something but I didn't see one). The Nice boy that bought me a drink last week was at my brothers concert again. He was once again super friendly and attentive. The minute he got there he sat by me, was talking to me, followed me to the bar, etc. Good, fun, sweet conversation...then, I asked him about if he had roommates, and he says "just my wife". (insert sinister music here). I feel like an ass.

On another note. Once again, my brothers band was fantastic. I will go out to see them again. I'll even chat with my newfound, married friend. Bring your wife out once in a while, for goodness sake. Where the heck is she?

BONUS...I got to chat with my friend Jenny. We are going to try to make a point to get together. I've been wanting that to happen for awhile. This time, we actually exchanged phone numbers.

I can't believe it's 2 am. This month has been surreal. What the heck is going on?

Roommate Scene

I just ate wings. It was sort of scary. They weren't the little wings that I normally get...perfect for dipping into bleu cheese...they were wings. They looked like they could flap away. It was sort of frightening to me.

I was out with a friend of mine whom I am in talks with about getting an apartment with downtown at the end of July. We're that level of friends where we know each other fairly casually, hang out once in a while, but definitely get along well and have some things in common...yet our lives don't really intersect all that often. I'm nervous, though. The selfish 30 year old in me says I should be getting my own place so I can do what I want, decorate how I want, and not have to answer to anyone about anything. Then there's the side of me that thinks it could be fun, challenging, might encourage me to live neater, and a good move financially. Decisions, decisions.

She said tonight that she was 75% yes. I think that's about where I am, too...so that's good, right?

I

Word Storm

Word Storm

Descending like a hurricane;
a storm of phrases churns through the mind.
As it builds it’s own momentum;
the end result can still be seen,
as through a viewfinder

Fingers race ahead of themselves;
a fury of words has been unleashed.
It settles like Dorothy’s house did;
falling suddenly to the page
from imagination.

At The Bar

It was great to hear my bro play drums tonight. He was in his element, with the right band, it was really exciting. I'm looking forward to tomorrow nights show at The Coffee Company. They are so tight. AMG is really talented and looked so happy.

It is fun and exciting to make new friends, to be bought a drink, to just enjoy life. Driving home in my new car, I felt really alive.

Deep breath and goodnight.

Boogie Fever

I want to dance more. I was at a wedding tonight and the people that I was there with aren't really into dancing at all. The reception was really fun with a dj playing lots of dance-able tunes. I wanted so badly to get out there and really enjoy it, but when you don't really have anyone to dance with, that's sort of hard. I was twitching and tapping and chair dancing. I finally got out on the floor for a couple of songs with my friend Heidi, although she had a hard time enjoying it because she felt sort of self conscious about it. Not me. I love it. I think I feel more confident dancing than I do making small talk at wedding receptions. This is even without any liquid confidence. I wish there were places to go like my parents had when they were younger...everyone went and danced and had a good time. Now, most places to dance are also total meat markets where you can feel the eyes penetrating your clothes. yucky. Anyway, I REALLY hope that if I ever meet that special someone, that he likes to dance...or is at least willing to humor me once in a while.

somethin i wrote

I'm not sure about the title and may continue to revise it, but here's something:

Birth

Bursting to life with expectation;
A tree starts to bloom,
A carnival pulls into town.

Reality strikes it’s toxic blow;
Hot breath in the ear,
A pain throbbing deep in the chest.

Adapting to life’s changing seasons;
Normal takes fresh shape,
A life morphs into something new

Under the Blossom Tree

I don't normally take breaks at work, but today I took a sanity break went for a short walk around our office complex. At the end of the walk, I sat for a few moments on the bench in the little cove between buildings. I layed back and looked up at the blossoms on the tree with the bright blue sky behind them and cried.

I saw the Pizza Guy movie...FINALLY. It made me laugh, which I needed. I'm going to work on getting everyone I know to see it...starting with my friends at work. Pizza comes first, people...pizza comes first. : )

Audible Sigh

Sometimes it doesn't take a lot to shake me. I can be so faithless. I feel like the snowglobe being shook and shook. The good part is that after all the shaking there is that beautiful scene. All is beautiful, calm and peaceful. I feel like I am stealing this analogy, but I'm not sure where from. Anyway...it describes how I'm feeling lately and how I hope to feel in the end of this life season.

My disturbing dreams continued last night and made their way into the "real world" today. It is all going to be o.k. It always ends up o.k. The getting there takes my breath away, though...not in the good way...in the feeling like your lungs are being squished way. I am not usually the one plagued with feelings of anxiety. Weird.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Here on a sunny day

I'm hoping this comng week is calm. I know, I know. It's not going to happen. It would be nice, though.

Last week I had a lot of nightmares...tornadoes were involved on several occasions. I also dreamt I forgot some important details involved with Karen's wedding. I drank more coffee than usual and felt pretty terrible physically by the end of the week.

Yesterday was good. I drove to State College for my friend Jody's Bridal Shower. It was really wonderful having the scenic drive all to myself to clear my head and listen to whatever showed up on the radio dial. There was some James Taylor, Led Zeppelin, Usher, oh and I popped in a tape that I found that wasn't labeled...very funny...Geoff Moore and the Distance on one side and the Aladdin soundtrack on the other. EWWWWWWwwwwww. Definitely made that in college when I had a crush on this guy who had a thing with Disney. Any guesses who anyone? (email me)

Today, another gorgeous day...I should be outside frolicking but I have just felt like lumbering around the apartment. If I was at home in VT, I would DEFINITELY be either out on the back patio or out on the front porch staring...there's nothing alluring about doing that from my apartment deck.

The message at church today was about running from God. I don't fall into that category...more of putting God on the back burner. That is really intelligent, huh. It's like He keeps tapping me on the shoulder and I put up my index finger with a "Wait a minute" tone. It's amazing that He keeps waiting.

I watched Sideways and a couple of episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm from Season 2 today. All touched on themes of deception and where that will get you...nowhere. Paul Giamatie was great in Sideways.

A few quiet hours left to the weekend. Hopefully tonights sleep will be full of sweet and peaceful dreams.

Truckers

I have a memory of when I was a little girl involving a tractor trailer truck. My family was driving into the little town of Swanton, Vermont. I was in the back seat with my brother. We were probably picking at each other as we often did in the car. My dad made some comment about the trucker that pulled out behind us. He must have cut someone off or done something...but I felt my dad's frustration and decided to make it known by giving the trucker the finger. I can't remember if Aaron told on me or I was caught by my parents. I honestly didn't even know what it meant except that it let people know you are really really angry. Oops. My parents went on to tell me that it was very rude and very dangerous to do. Something to the effect of "it's dangerous to egg on truckers". I was immediately instilled with the dread that he was going to find us and run us off the road or something.

As life went on, I had a pretty decent sized fear of truckers. On the highway, I would tense up if one pulled up beside me. If I was in the middle of 3 lanes and was sandwiched between two trucks I would hold my breath and slow down to get out of that precarious position. If I was going for a walk and a truck went by, I was sure they would pull over and steal me.

THEN...in college my car broke down on the side of I-76 on the way to Philadelphia. I was with Rene, I think her name was??? It was before every Tom, Dick, Harry...or Stacey had cell phones, so we were screwed...until...a big Mack Truck pulls up. "You girls need a hand". GULP. We went back and forth quickly with our eyes, then realized how unsafe we were on the shoulder of the highway in the dark. At least there were two of us. So, we got in the truck. The man was very kind. He took us to the next exit to a gas station and was on his way. We had even talked about the nervousness we felt getting into his truck and he reminded us that most truckers are on a strict schedule and were all business...not to fear.

Another time, my friend Karen and I were stranded in Nashville. We ended up riding several miles with a towtruck driver to the appropriate Saturn dealership (I think that's where we were heading). He was a very funny southern man with enough stories to keep you laughing for days.

All of this came to mind this morning as I was laying in bed, wishing away the alarm clock. I heard in the distance...either on the highway or the road that passes my apartment complex the sound of a truckers horn in the rhythm of the secret knock...honk honk honkhonkhonk honk honk. It sounded so friendly I could practically see the trucker grinning with a big cup o joe in his hand.

Prejudices are so silly.

Classy Move

Friday night I was out with a couple of couples. I had a really good time. We were at a little place called Cherry's in an alley off Duke St in Lancaster. It's pretty nice. I wouldn't have even known that it was there. (and I just noticed I actually have a coupon for a couple of meals there, score for next time). I really appreciated that one of the men bought me a couple of drinks. As a single woman in my 30's it is a real treat to have someone be that thoughtful. Most of my married friends do a really good job of keeping me from feeling like a third wheel...or fifth wheel, etc. Heck, my single guy friends are great, too. I am not so "just one of the guys" as I used to be. Now I think I'm actually one of the friends...no "justs" involved. It also helps when you aren't "crushinn on" any of the guys in your circles of friends. Admittedly, that hasn't always been the case for me.