Running and Finishing

I finished my first 5K race on Saturday... the YWCA Race Against Racism. It was awesome... the massive crowd of runners, the nervous excitement before the race, running with my friend Tandy and my sister in law and friend Sherri, seeing so many friends out on race day, the overwhelming support of my brother and friends, but of course... finishing was the best part. 35:45 was my time. I was happy with that. My first 5K race and I had only ever run that distance one other time... so it was a big deal. I have another one this coming Saturday and plan to keep running consistently and training to run 5 miles as my next goal and also to cut time off my 5K. I will keep running.

Misty Edwards has a song "I Will Run". Some of the lyrics are " I will run the race set before me. I will seek Your face As the prize of my life. All I want is You
All I crave is You. My – soul – pants - for - God - and - God - alone". I actually was thinking of this while I was running... when I felt like quitting... not this specific song, but that I am running this race that I cannot and will not quit on. This faith walk with God. With Him as the prize in the end and also Him as my biggest cheer leader! All I want is You or the things that flow from you.

Opening the Door

I FINALLY went to the Perfunctory Court office (like using that word) and registered for my passport. There's something about having that step done... I have no details worked out yet for travel, yet I feel like finally making this move is a huge step forward to me...like cracking open the door to missions. The money involved in a passport isn't much for most people, but for me it is.

So now I need to start gathering details... I have friends in mind to talk to. I didn't want to talk to certain missionary friends of mine before I was truly serious. I don't want to be "that person" who says yeah, it would be great to go and then never does. I'm sure they hear that all the time. So now what? Well pray...of course... that's a given and a constant. But what practical things do I need to do to start a plan? I can get bogged down with the unknown of details... or even the known... which is why I can sometimes have money in the bank and not pay a bill on time... or was going to get a tax refund but waited until the last minute to file... Weird, eh.

So anyway... a step, an action, a move has been made... now getting over the threshold.

Shutters

Shutters

Open close open close
Doors like shutters flutter

What was yes becomes a no
What once was no is wait
Just wait
For now

Open close open close
Hearts like doors are hinged

What I hope and what I dream
What I first claimed as mine
Is mine
No more

Open shut open shut
Eyes like windows close

What I see is only part
What’s truly meant to be
Will be
In time.

Doors

So, remember yesterday... you know that whole new mercies thing. Totally true. :) Where one door closes, one opens...

In fact, my one friend (that I apologize to for my attitude) responded to my apology and said "i don't say this to be trite, but i do believe that your time is coming. a time where the Lord will open up doors that you've wanted opened for a long time - and doors that you forgot you wanted opened :)"

So here has been my last 24 hours...

My run last night was literally a God send. JUST what THE Dr ordered. I spent a little time practically vomiting all over God and then just shut up and that was the best part. Not only did I literally pound out the junk with God on the sidewalk, I finally managed to run an entire 5K. Woo hoo.

Worship at Gateway House of Prayer last night... musically nothing spectacular on my end... in fact I made some mistakes... but was FULL of joy... and purpose. Jimmy spoke on creating a Highway for God and I am all over it. I need to go back and listen to the message again because it really spoke to my heart. I am available. I want to advance the Kingdom.

Today... new attitude. Happy. Laughing. Feeling purposeful. 2 significant possible opportunities popped up from out of nowhere to do things that I love and things that God has been asking me to do. It was like God said listen ... let me open and close the doors.

Being Plowed

I'm having one of those weeks where I am very aware of the state of my heart. Today as I was driving around running errands for work, I realized I am a garden and God is doing some plowing...some digging around. I asked Him to, so why am I surprised? But ow.

It's like I can almost physically feel Him "mucking with" the roots of pride, jealousy, envy, etc etc. To the point that I literally am nauseated with myself. Wow. I mean, I'm literally disgusted with my thoughts and where I can see them coming from. God... do what I've asked and refine me. Make me a garden where your fruit can grow and become ripe and beautiful and delicious.

Tonight I'm going for a run after work. I'm anxious to pound out some of my frustrations on the pavement...and talk to God about this process... Keep humbling me. Don't let me shorts fall off or anything... but do what you will.

Writings

The two most recent things I wrote come from such different places...

The first one, I wrote while at Gateway House of Prayer...to God.

Overtake Me

Everything goes 80 miles per hour
Everyone runs as if chasen
May my running be toward you
my movement be for you
and all of my heart overtaken

The second one... I had an image from a past experience in my head... and some memories...
Did You Have To?

Oh no, oh no
Say it isn’t so
I can’t bear to watch you go
I can’t stand to hear your feet
Walk away so sad and slow

I had a feeling it’d end this way
I had a hunch you wouldn’t stay
But oh not today… not today.

Oh my, oh my
Not time for goodbye
While reds and pinks flood the sky
While lips and arms still tingle
Did you have to take me so high
To bring me down so low

more love

I want to love better. I am loving but I don't always manifest it. For example... I would tell you that I love everyone... when in fact there are people I don't act loving toward at all. There are people I ignore, laugh at, snub, disdain... what's that all about? My desire in my heart of hearts is to be real and to love authentically. I do realize that I'm not Jesus... His love never fails. Mine will. But I know that it has a lot more potential.

35

Wishing I hadn't waited 35 years to figure it out... and hoping that I keep it up another 35.. or however long I have left to live.

bottomless pit?

Today I feel like I could literally eat a horse. I won't though. :)

reminded again

This morning I had breakfast with my friend Laura. It was great to start my Monday a little late, enjoy some delicious coffee and fruit/yogurt parfait at Prince ST Cafe... but most importantly to sit and talk with Laura.

Laura spent a year in Haiti teaching at the YWAM base in St. Marc. When I shared about God stirring some things in my heart with her about missions (specifically to Haiti) several weeks ago, she was quick to say... we need to sit down and talk. I want to hear all about what God is doing. Laura is so good at encouraging and listening and asking questions. We realized we have some more personality traits in common than we realized as we talked about sometimes getting bogged down by the details (for example I still need to get my passport)... which is step 1. lol.

But it was so good. I made the decision not to look at my watch/phone for the time even though I knew I didn't want to be too late for work... so we were there over an hour and it was good. (I think getting into a culture where you spend less time caring about time would be good for me)

I was reminded to remember what God started stirring in me. To keep it before Him and ask questions. To be open in my spirit to whatever comes next, and to take some time to sit and chat over coffee and forget about the rest of the world and it's pull every once in a while.

Reminded

Last night I went to the Awake Tonight Tour concert. It was the first time in a while I have been to one of "our" concerts. I used to always go... but haven't so much as of late. I think it was really good and important for me to be there. I was reminded to appreciate what I am a part of here at CMI and WJTL.

The concert was so good. All 3 bands were quailty. The stage performances were impressive and high energy... and the message was present. Jesus did not get forgotten amidst all the crazy flames, lights, video and various stage changes. The message was loud and clear.

It's an interesting balance when you work behind the scenes not to forget to appreciate what we are actually doing out there! I don't think it's a bad thing that I don't get out to everything as much as I used to... I've learned the balance of having a life and friends outside of work. :) But, I do think it's key to get out and see what we're doing to remember there are thousands of faces behind the mailings, emails, phone calls, etc. etc. etc.

Yesterday

... could easily have become a bust... My legs were sore from the previous days work out, I felt guilty for eating crap at lunch, I didn't feel super productive at work, had to pay a parking ticket of $45, had to eat humble pie in dropping off my rent check late (and gave it to the babysitter), I hit a curb and busted my tire and had to buy a new one.... uuuuugh.

I also got some news about a friends health that was not really encouraging...

HOWEVER... it was a gorgeous sunny day. My friend Chris who I might as well call my big brother (even though we are not related, and he is younger than me)... helped me change my tire to a spare. This was no easy feat considering how tight and rusty the bolts were!

Oh... and I had the best run of my life... I'm on the 1st Run of Week 5 in my 9 week program... This one was (3) 5 minute intervals of running and I felt great... next run is (2) 8 minutes and the third will be a 20 minute run! Woo Hoo. I felt so alive and happy out there.

Then, at Gateway House of Prayer last night I heard God clearly speaking to my heart, reminding me I am never outside of His Love. Reminding me that my friends are never outside of His love. The suffering in Haiti and all over the world are never outside of His Love.

So, yesterday was trying and frustrating, but also a really really amazing day.

naive or cynical?

I was sitting here at my desk thinking, hmph... (rather smugly)... I'd rather by naive than cynical... and was preparing to get my thoughts together and blog about it... but then I remembered that we are to be "wise as serpents/harmless as doves"... with faith like a child, innocent but not lacking judgement...Hm still processing... but my point was I do NOT ever want to become cynical... that I do know.

Love, Wisdom and Creeps

I'm trying to process some thoughts about my attitude when it comes to people who are "creepy"... now to be clear... I don't mean people I find unattractive or people that are different... I mean people that say things that are inappropriate/make me uncomfortable or in the case of the dance scene...people that I can tell are not treating me with respect...

Yesterday I felt like God was trying to get me to think about my heart attitude. It's a tricky thing. I know that it's we need to use wisdom (especially as women) with our boundaries and how we interact with people who seem to have questionable intentions toward us. There are people I've dealt with at dancing that I've had to come to a place where I won't dance with them because too many comments were made about watching my body, too many uncomfortable dance moves, etc... I have come to a place where I think it's ok and right to say no to a person that makes me feel uncomfortable. In fact I have addressed it on one occasion and made it clear that I didn't appreciate the comments, and it happened again... so. But still... how should my heart feel toward this person, or people in general that give me the creeps? I'm supposed to love them. I'm trying to find that balance of loving with wisdom... not detesting the person... but not making myself vulnerable... man that's tricky.

Yesterday I was out for a run... mid day... totally safe time of day... and I passed 2 men. I smiled at them... just smiled... and after they passed me they made some comment about swinging my hips.... I got so angry... but then wondered... how am I supposed to feel toward people like that. I'm supposed to love them... I can be disgusted by their conduct... but how do I love them. Wow, it's hard. How does God do it... love us... who totally treat him with disrespect...in all of our sin and disgusting creepiness sometimes. Wow. It's tough. I can only do it with His help.

There is talk of a possible blizzard this weekend... and I am whirling around the office like a 2 year old. I must be nuts. I know that if it happens it will mean hours of work, hours of shoveling, and missed plans... but for some reason I still get excited.

Speaking of excited... my cousins and I have been organizing a reunion for Easter weekend/Meme's birthday. It will be the first time in a while that we have all gotten together, specifically the cousins. I'm really excited for it. I miss the days of us all going to Meme and Pepe's for holidays, us kids escaping for walks in the woods or down the dead end dirt road... I'm hoping for a chance to sit around and talk and laugh. I'm also thankful that we are getting this together before it happens for another funeral. In our big family, they come all too often.

In exercise world... I was excited to up the ante on some of my weights again last night... though today I'm feeling it in my arms and back. Still loving Body Jam and dancing like a maniac shaking my bootay, too. Soooo glad Erica got me hooked! lol. Tonight is running... Couch to 5 K, Week 2 Run 3. Yee haw.

Why Don't We Just Dance

Love that song.

I was thinking about it this morning in the way of Joy and Victory and Fun and Life. "Well it might be me, but the way I see it the whole world has gone crazy, so baby why don't we just dance"... Why DON'T we dance in the face of the crap in our life? Why DON'T we dance for joy? We, who have Jesus, have the promise of an everlasting life. Why DON'T we just dance because it's fun? Because it's healthy? Because we are to come to Him like children...

Obviously, I know that there is a time and a season for everything. For some of us, it might not be a time to dance today...but it will be again someday soon. And for many of us... it is and we just aren't.

Electrictiy and Couch to 5K Wk 2 Day 2

Last night I did my 2nd run on week 2s podcast...it's a 5 minute brisk walk warm up, then 6 intervals of 90 second run, 2 minute walking then 5 minute cool down. Yay, I can do this.

I am a ball of energy. Some fueled by the exercise, but more the last couple of weeks fueled by what the Lord is doing in me... I just know it. It's like electricity, life, joy, hope and anticipation and I don't even know quite what for yet... but I do know that I am determined to be open to it.

I have heard from so many powerful, inspiring, anointed people the past several days... and I have been challenged to move. The voice that is ringing the most in my ears right now, though, is the one that is saying get ready, get ready, get ready in my heart and churning up something I've never felt before.

God, don't let me breeze past this moment of availability. Shoot me like a rocket where ever you want me whether that be around the block or across the world.

A Blank Canvas

What a difference it makes to look at life and see the possibilities rather than the missed ones. Each day is a blank canvas for God to write on. Each breath is another gift. There is so much more to life than we are living. There is so much more to see than we open our eyes to and to hear than we listen for.

Lately God has been reminding me how available I am and asking me what I am willing to do with that fact. When the sky is the limit... it's a really exciting place to be... scary too; but I'm willing to jump off the cliff if I know He is there to catch me.

an email I sent to my dad.

Dear Dad,

Thank you. I have a new appreciation for all the hard work you did/do at home with shoveling/snow blowing/ keeping up property. Considering you had all our land, house, barns and out buildings to deal with and I just have a few feet of sidewalk and a car length of shoveling to deal with... I have a new appreciation for all the hours of work that you do through out the Winter at home on top of your many hours at your job. I always took that and so much else that you do for granted... and today I want to thank you.

Love,
Stacey

something i wrote

I wrote this over the past couple of weeks... don't worry, it's not quite as autobiographical as it sounds...

I can’t help wondering how you are
Or imagining how you feel
I try to stop my mind in its track
But it only has one rail

I struggle to erase my thoughts
As they race through the days gone by
I close my eyes and they’re all right there
as clear as today sometimes

Tromping and rummaging through my head
All The Memories of your face
Sensations I will never forget
How I felt in your embrace

I wasn’t made for goodbyes
Forever is written within me
although our ever after has passed
my first love you’ll always be