Heart Stretched

I'm restless.

After returning from a whirlwind trip to Ethiopia with Compassion International  (see my blogs at my wjtl blog) I am now in that strange place where it feels like my heart is stretched between continents.

With this being my second trip to Ethiopia,  it was no longer the shock and awe feeling of visiting Africa for the first time like it was in 2010.  I was not nervous.  I had a certain understanding of what to expect.  There was a level of familiarity,  friends to reconnect with and a job to do.  I was there to report about the ministry of Compassion International and to encourage our radio listeners to get involved, sponsor a child, pray, and come on a future trip.  I found myself very focused on my purpose... with a heightened level of responsibility to do an excellent and comprehensive job of reporting,  while also also trying to soak in the time with the kids and my friends there.  I felt so alive and in my element.   From what friends and family are saying to me, that is evident in photo's and live reports, too.  I agree with them.  I had trouble sleeping at night... I think beyond the jet lag it was also a subconscious attempt at not wasting any of my time there.  (though sleep really would have been helpful).

Once we got to the last day or so of the trip I felt the dread of the end coming too soon.   "What!  No, I'm not ready to board that plane!!!"   Thankfully we had very busy days, so I had little time to focus on those feelings, but they were present and became increasingly more painful as Friday progressed.   Since I do have a return trip planned for August this year... I tried not to dwell too much...and I tried to avoid an over dramatic goodbye as I loaded my luggage onto the cart and wheeled up the ramp to the airport with the rest of the team.  But, ouch.

Now here I am back home.  I'm trying to share my experiences with others... trying to communicate the beauty of this culture alongside expressing the great need and opportunity for people to be a help and an encouragement.  I'm preparing for our on air campaign in February, anxiously hoping to reach our goals of getting these kids sponsored ...  and counting the days to August.
 
I'll soon begin to slide back into my life and schedule here ... but I'm also feeling a tugging in my heart... a wondering about what else God has in store for me and for these connections I am forming with this place, these people, this culture.   There is more to this story.

I'm also trying to take the core values of child advocacy and live them out now... loving kids, telling them about Jesus, being an encouragement to families, praying!

God help me to make the most of these experiences.   God help me to lay all of this at your feet and say thy will be done.  God help me to remain open-hearted and open handed... and to never take for granted these experiences or these people that are holding my heart on the other side of the world. 

Finding Community

Today I am feeling especially warm... admittedly partially due to the warm wool sweater I am wearing... but more-so because I am really thinking about the blessing of  being involved in Community (not the sit-com, either).

There is a longing in my heart for it.  First and foremost, communion with God is what my soul hungers and thirsts for.  This I know in my very core.  This I still neglect far too often.

Today, though, I am talking about the horizontal kind... from person to person.   Oh how we want it.  To be connected.  To be united.  To belong.  Really, to have family beyond the  biological.  It doesn't just happen, though. 

This morning I was thinking about how we find ourselves in that place of community and how there is an investment required.  What a worthwhile investment, though.  Last night after our “watch” at Gateway House of Prayer, I was sitting around with our team talking through the details of our music and prayer time.  We discussed technical/sound things,  the music,  songs,  etc.  and also shared what we sensed overall as we prayed and worshiped.   As we were talking we unanimously agreed how much we enjoy the opportunity we have to do this weekly as a consistent team.  Now ... there are weeks that even though I know God is worthy and even though I enjoy the time spent with the team and LOVE singing ... some nights I miss having the evening at home, or maybe I get frustrated with certain aspects of the give and take of working with a team, etc etc etc.  But the investment and time “sacrifice” is so worth it.   I have seen the benefits of consistently coming together with one purpose... we are building community with each other as we invest our time and our hearts.  We are also able to be more creative as we trust each other to corporately “go for it” in seeking Gods heart together.

This same sort of thing applies in all spheres of life... my job, my dancing buddies, church, family, school, neighborhood, etc. 

Day one of spending time with someone; you rarely,  if ever,  feel that depth of relationship... it involves vulnerability, giving of self, giving of time, and more.   If there is an expectation of feeling included, loved and valued and a part of something, the reality is I must give ... and maybe for a period of time before the pay off of belonging is felt.   We also have to realize that along the way we will be bruised, we will say things that bruise others and we will need to be willing to forgive and accept forgiveness.   Messy, lovely, exhausting, rewarding ... but to me, community is worth it.

The Art of Saying No

Who knows how many times I've blogged on this subject, but here I go again.

I'm constantly learning the art of "No".  It's a work in progress.

I had someone ask me to bake something for a church event last week, and was so pleasantly surprised when she THANKED me for saying no.   That really was helpful to hear.   I really didn't have time and am not even living at home right now, so it would have been really tough to pull off.

This weekend was scheduled full with so many fun things from concerts to day trips to parties.   But with dog sitting and feeling a little under the weather;  I actually chose to guard my time.   For me this is growth... because in the past I would have just gone to as many things as I could until I crashed.

My choices allowed me to spend a little extra time here at the house dog sitting and giving ole Mr. Tumnus the attention he deserves.   I was able to get my long run in this morning (8.5 miles... woot, woot).  I got to go on a day trip with friends yesterday... but passed on the concert I was REALLY excited  about going to in favor of some ice cream and conversation and an early night in watching The Voice on Hulu.  (I wept openly while watching it).

So, I missed/am missing some dancing,  a game night, a concert, church services, a picnic and a birthday party... but I gained some sanity, some rest and hopefully some health as I keep trying to kick this cold.    Now, I'm going to do a little cleaning for the bro and sister in law so they don't come home to a house infested with hair balls... and try to make it an early night, with maybe a walk so that Mr. Tumnus can continue his quest to sniff or pee on every blade of grass and/or tree trunk in Lancaster City.

Welcome new week full of choices, God give me the grace to choose wisely. 

Crank It Up

I turn up the volume to drown out the noise

 turn up the volume for inspiration

I turn up the volume so I feel the beat

turn up the volume for motivation

Lets turn up the volume on giving out praise

Turn up the volume on jubilation

I'll turn up the volume on telling you thanks

So you can turn up the volume and enjoy the sensation

So shut out the darkness

Can we chill on the snark?

Delete the repetitious negative remarks

Silence the lies we were telling ourselves

and crank up the things that bring life and bring health.

Making Progress

How to Not Miss Out

Ever since I was little I have had the tendancy to worry about missing something.  If I was outside playing i wondered what conversation, snack or tv show were they enjoying inside?   Go to bed?  NO WAY!  Not if there is a cool babysitter over doing all the cool things that babysitters SURELY do when the kids go to bed.  Etc, etc.

I still struggle with this.  Since I am involved with a lot of different streams of people, there are often times when there are 3 or 4 events going on at a time that I would like to be a part of.  A party, dance, special service, outting, etc, etc.  Many times I will try to figure out how to map my routes, schedule my time and coordinate my wardrobe so that I can make as many things as possible in an effort not to miss anything.  The thing that I've found, though, is that by doing so... I often find myself having to leave mid conversation, just as the fun is started, and then arrive at the next place just as things are winding down, etc etc...so in essence... I make it everywhere, but miss out everywhere, too.

I'm trying to learn to be content and be present where I am.  Do I still have evenings that I go to more than one place?  Sure... but at some point tonight,  though I knew I could still make it out to a certain dance after the picnic I was at;  I decided not to watch the clock but to fully engage in the conversations and to finish the evening with the people I started it with.  I had a great time, got to know some friends better and was able to relax and enjoy the evening just being present.

I want to enjoy every moment, especially the one I'm already in.  By doing that, I won't miss anything, really...or if I do, it won't really matter will it?!

This morning when I went to pick up my packet for the Red Rose Run tomorrow ( a 5 mile race in my city) I ran into a man that I hadn't seen in a while.   We were making small talk and talking about running, etc. when he said, "Yeah, you used to be heavy, didn't you".  For some people that would not go over well, but it was encouraging to me.  :)   It's great to know that the change is noticeable.

Little Things

Two seemingly little things just happened as I was just leaving the gym:

1. a little girl and her mom were walking up the steps in front of me and the little girl was singing a song about how much she loves her mommy and loves to love her mommy.  The mom said, that's the best song I have ever heard.  I agreed.
2. as I was filling my water bottle one of my Jam instructors came up to me and enthusiastically complimented me.  I left there feeling so accomplished and proud.  

The little things matter.  Kids, tell your parents you love them.  Parents tell your kids how much that means.  Teachers, encourage your students.  Students, keep pressing on. 

Encouraged.

Changed

As I was leaving the gym this morning I thought to myself, "if you would have told me a couple of years ago that one of the best things about taking Fridays as my vacation days was going to be getting to take my favorite class (Les Mills Body Jam) at the gym an extra time each week... well that wouldn't have even been in my realm of thinking.  If you would have even suggested that running in local 5K races would have become a hobby for me ...  I don't think I even would have known what the length of a 5K was, to be honest.  (math...or gym were never my strong subjects)

What has happened?  I have changed.  This is not something that I could have done myself.  To me, it's nothing short of a miracle.  You have to understand (and many readers here know)... I have been out of shape my entire life.  Between genetics, loving to eat, being waaaay laid back, and my struggles with Ulcerative Colitis and Thyroid Disease... it was so hard, maybe more emotionally than physically.

I have changed.  God has changed me.  I can say that with my whole heart.  Thank you God for changing my mind... from one who says I can't to one who says I am going to challenge myself to do that.   You know what,  this is yet another proof to me that my God answers prayer.  If I looked back through my journals, I know that there were time after time that I prayed and asked God for help with my health, with my weight, with my motivation, with my confidence.   He does answer, and I'm so thankful.


I am registered to run the OBX Half Marathon with my good friend Melody Strayer this November.  I have my training calendar all ready to go (it kicks in in August) and until then I'll be trying to add miles to my typical 3-4 mile runs each week layered in with the classes that I take at the gym and of course dancing as much as I can.  I know that I will be counting on God to help me stretch my endurance, increase my motivation and literally change my body as I go through this process. 

I appreciate your prayers and encouragement along the way, too.  

(I post all of my runs on RunKeeper and Dailymile.com and share them on Facebook, ad nauseum, perhaps to some... but it's my way of keeping myself honest with how much/how far/how fast I'm running.)

Love Don't Come Easy?

I was listening to Adele yesterday and in one of her songs she says "I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart". I paused. Hm. For me, it is the opposite.

I went into the supermarket the other day to get some soup and a banana for lunch. (Man do I need to go grocery shopping). As I was walking in I saw seasonal decorations, mums, some sort of smelly potpourri, and pumpkins... but wait... double take... the pumpkins were all painted.

Now, maybe I'm old fashioned, but isn't the fun part to get the pumpins and then painting or carving them out yourself? Please tell me parents aren't buying the pre-done Elmo pumpkin instead of painting their own.

Sigh.

I'd rather be reconciled than be right. (as long as it lines up with scripture)

People are not dispensable.

Guard your heart, but don't build walls to do so.

Love with all your heart and love the way you hope to be loved.

Honesty is healing. Openness cultivates honesty.

Summer

Along you came

With sunshine in your smile

Let’s live for the moment

Take one day at a time

Those longer days

You sidled up to me

I was comfortable there

In that warmth and safety

Before I could blink

No time to catch my breath

Your sunshine is gone

With the falling of leaves

An Introduction

I’d like to introduce you to my friend

There’s a lot to tell

Let’s start here:

I know a man

(He’s a poet)

With pen in hand

He says so much

You should read it!

This same man,

(A soulful one)

Likes Coldplay and Coletrane

The Word of God and Mark Twain

You should meet him!

This man I know

(A gentle one)

Treats ladies with respect

And children with love

He impresses me.

The merry gentleman

(He’s a fine one)
likes apple pie

Night walks in July

He showed me My Fair Lady!

This friend of mine

(He’s a good one)

Enriching life

In so many ways

I’m so thankful.

Let me introduce you to my friend

There’s a lot to know.

Let’s start here.

I''m soaking you up
oh day of rest
of sun and light
of dog and couch

I'm letting you in
you hopeful song
I've cried. I've cheered
You've moved me.

I raise my glass
to this afternoon
no thinking ahead
or longing today

I'm soaking you up
you day of rest
you've been a long time coming.

Thoughts on Walls

With relationships, there are always going to be walls/veils/fences to knock down, climb over, crawl under, lift up. Both yours and theirs! Love is that decision you make every time you come to one of these. It's you deciding it's worth it to press through...or wait until they are ready for you to.

Body or Machine

This morning I was thinking about the body... people... family...specifically in relation to a ministry/business that has been close to my heart. I was ... well... showering this morning and I was trying to gather my scattered and confusing thoughts.

My conclusion was that I don't want to and was not made to be part of a machine. We are a created body. God designed us to be so. We need each other. When "we" become a machine... it is a man made monstrosity. When we think we can just unscrew the knee joint or detach the arm or spleen we are sadly mistaken. As a body we will bleed.

I like to watch this life take shape.
seeing what comes back around
those damn boxes we create
broken down, we break them down

Its fun to watch the puzzle form
pieces gathered one by one
the holes will one day all be filled
when it's done, yes when we're done.

Dog Sitting

just you and me kid
sacked out on the floor
wandrin' round the town
taking in the smells
no care in the world
just you and me kid
yeah, just you and me

just you and me dude
spooning on the bed
patio breakfast
chomping on our ice
no care in the world
just you and me dude
yeah, just you and me

On the roof

I breathe it in
the air
the city
here on my roof

They took a chance
to dream
to love
here on my roof

He held her gaze
her hand
her heart
here on my roof

A sunny day
a breeze
a book
here on my roof

A breezy night
a laugh
a nod
here on my roof

Come find me here
come sit
come stay
here on my roof