Hope

So, I just returned from vaca. in Maine with my mom and Great Aunt Shirley. It was a relaxing time, for sure. As often as possible, I got out on the beach and went walking which was therapeutic... although I think I did a little too much thinking at times. The one day, I wrote "hope" in the sand kind of as a reminder to myself. I love the Sara Groves song with the lyrics

"Hope has a way of turning *its* face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope"

It's a tough time, but I'm turning a corner in my healing process. If you asked me last week I might have said that the past 3 months have been like a drive up an amazing mountain to a breathtaking view that ended abruptly with someone driving me off a cliff ... yet today I am seeing that when I was driven off the cliff, I was wearing a parachute that is taking me to a landing in a new and more precious place.

Perception

It's amazing and beautiful how God can use someone in your life to show you how He sees you.

Learning About Power

This past year I've learned so much. It's insane, really. Lately, I've been really learning a lot about the power God has given us in prayer and even in speaking to situations. The other night at Gateway House of Prayer I realized that God wants to shine through us like a spot light. You know how we sing, "This Little Light Of Mine"... I got the realization that the light we have to shine is in fact not little at all. It was more than a realization... it was a revelation... I could literally feel like my enter midsection had a spotlight shining through it. So, yeah. I'm learning to pray EXPECTING.

a quick note

Last night I went line dancing with my friend Erica. It felt good to have enough energy to move and have a good time. Unfortunately, now this morning I have the International Harvester song in my head.

Far Removed from This

Wow, I haven't posted at this blog site in a really long time... I tend to do most of my blogging at my myspace. I have used this username to post at some other blogs lately, though... I feel pretty far removed from where I was at when I posted my previous posts here. Suffice it to say, that God has done big things in me the past few years and there are more recent updates at http://www.myspace.com/staceymichelle. Maybe I'll write here from time to time again though.

A quote I read recently that meant a lot to me was this:

"As we learn to worship with purity of heart, our eyes will continue to open and we can expect to see what He wants us to see". -Bill Johnson from "When Heaven Invades Earth"

a stream of consciousness

if i don't start somewhere i'll never finish. if i don't drop something i'll drop it all. if i don't look away i'll see more than i bargained for. if i keep my eyes closed i'll miss something great

if you dont take me with you i'll be ok. if you don't let go of my hand i'll let go first. if you don't look away you'll have to see me leaving. if you turn your eyes away you'll see a new beginning.



Weaving in and weaving out
a strand, a string, a line, a wave.


Tantalizing apologizing supersizing exercising

Mozzerella Balls and Marguerita's

Tonight I learned what I had already gathered...that my new roommate is very hospitable. I went to her house for "Bunko" game night. It was fun and she was an incredible hostess with a delicious variety of food and drinks, and a comfortable and fun atmosphere. I love to have people over and I think I am going to learn a thing or two about entertaining from her. : )

I'm thrilled to have a free weekend ahead. I plan to get some packing done in addition to some down time. I have Kill Bill 1 and Fraggle Rock in from Netflix and Kill Bill 2 on the way. (I remember Colin saying the 2nd one is the better of the two). I'm looking forward to a busy week next week complete with a trip to Philly and then the trek to Creation. YAY!!!

in the doghouse

I just watched Dogville. GEESH. It was a well done movie, very atypical...which I loved...but if the character Grace was supposed to be GRACE...then yikes. It left me feeling pretty empty and crushed. I don't expect movies to always end on a high note, but this one sent me crashing and I was left mourning for everyone in the story. Life is not so bleak as some paint it. I'm so thankful.

from "Under the Tuscan Sun"

"...any arbirtrary turning along the way and I would be elsewhere, I would be different. Whate are 4 walls anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkable good things can happen...even late in the game. It's such a surprise!"

I thought that quote was a good afterthought from the previous post.

Putting Time in a Bottle?

I hope to cherish every moment in these next few months as my daily environment changes shape. There is a bittersweet reality in having best friends as co-workers...because that means when lives change, you don't only lose trusted peers, but your social life gets all rearranged. It's all very good, very exciting and perfect, because I feel that it's Gods timing. It also reminds me that my life is still unfolding, too. It happens so fast. I take so much for granted. I hope to drink it all in this summer so that when this period ends...I can sit back and smile at how special it was and continue to look forward to all that life has in store.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes (Turn and Face the Strain)

Tooo Muccchh caffffeeeiine.

Hm, I wonder when U2 will announce who they are touring with in the fall. Oh the crucial questions that plague my mind. I keep obsessively checking their website.

I've been a bit of an emotional basketcase today. Not outwardly...all inside. Conflicting thoughts of..."hey, give ME attention", but then..."I hope everyone just leaves me alone" went through my head all day at work. I am thankful that I had it together enough not to blurt out some of the things I was thinking. As it is, I hear myself sighing out loud far too often...not out of disatisfaction, really...I think I just get overwhelmed with all my weird thoughts or something. There's gotta be a way to hold that sighing in...although that would probably involve holding in harmful oxides of some sort...or something...but sometimes others hear me sigh and I then feel guilty. Self inflicted guilt, of course. (weird guilt and anxiety runs in my family) I'm such a weirdo.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, already...and June...JUNE. WHOA. I have a lot to make sense of the next couple of months. I hope my little disorganized mind can get it's act together. What I really need to do is make time for quiet time...this morning I had set my alarm a little early to get up and go walking. Walking is usually a wonderful opportunity for me to do this...unfortunately, when my alarm went off I was all confused and forgot why on earth it could possibly be going off...and turned it off. I think I'll do a take 2 tomorrow. I loved my evening walks in college. My favorite music to walk to was a tape with the 77's Sticks and Stones on one side and Dream Academy on the other... "indian...indian summer..." I need to find that tape. I'm sure I have it somewhere.

Good News

YIPPPPPPEEEEEEE. I have a new apartment, a new roommate, and I can finally buy an I Love City Life bumper sticker without feeling like a fraud. : ) Ok, maybe I'll wait a few months on that...

Trying Not to Obsess

I'm panicked. The potential landlord called today to check on our decision. They REALLY want my roommate and I as tenants, but they do have other people looking. I called my roomie today and she is still unsure...supposed to call me tonight. She has called on a couple of other places with no return call. I'm afraid to put this one on hold. I am so afraid of losing this place. I am quite sure that there is not a place that will be as nice as this one. I need to relax. I'm trying to be a little more assertive about this, which is not in my nature. My first response was, "ok, whatever, I'm open to looking"...but I confessed to her today that I really really like this place...enough to take the smaller bedroom (which is really not that small...he reminded me today that they do have a lot of furniture crammed in there which could make it look smaller than it really is. But, really...the place has a dining room AND living room. There is tons of space to spread out. PLUS the laundry room. Ay Yi Yi. (i don't know how to really spell that).

Transition is scary.

I wonder if I will ever get used to the scars on my stomach.

But, I'm Not YET

Today is Mothers Day and I feel like I cheated. At church they gave out flowers and little notepads to all women over 18 and then at Walmart they gave out roses to all the women who look like they could possibly be of child bearing age. It's a nice gesture...but I am not a mom yet. It's kind of like receiving the quilt from my Meme at graduation. She usually gives those to the grandkids at their weddings, but she wasn't sure she'd be alive for mine. Well...she's still alive...

I just watched On Golden Pond. What a simple, beautiful movie. It's actually a good film for Mothers Day. Katherine Hepburn portrays a mother full of spunk, honesty and unconditional love...even for her husband who she refers to as "an old poop" The scenery reminded me so much of our family trip to Northern Canada when I was little. From the sparkling lakes to the sound of the loons.

It's time to start planning a trip to VT. I really miss my parents.

050505

I didn't realize until half way through the day that the date was pretty interesting and that it is/was Cinco de Mayo. What the...

Well, I learned a pretty big lesson tonight. LOOK FOR THE DAMN WEDDING RING!!! (to be honest, I still haven't noticed it. I think his hand might have been in his pocket or something but I didn't see one). The Nice boy that bought me a drink last week was at my brothers concert again. He was once again super friendly and attentive. The minute he got there he sat by me, was talking to me, followed me to the bar, etc. Good, fun, sweet conversation...then, I asked him about if he had roommates, and he says "just my wife". (insert sinister music here). I feel like an ass.

On another note. Once again, my brothers band was fantastic. I will go out to see them again. I'll even chat with my newfound, married friend. Bring your wife out once in a while, for goodness sake. Where the heck is she?

BONUS...I got to chat with my friend Jenny. We are going to try to make a point to get together. I've been wanting that to happen for awhile. This time, we actually exchanged phone numbers.

I can't believe it's 2 am. This month has been surreal. What the heck is going on?

Roommate Scene

I just ate wings. It was sort of scary. They weren't the little wings that I normally get...perfect for dipping into bleu cheese...they were wings. They looked like they could flap away. It was sort of frightening to me.

I was out with a friend of mine whom I am in talks with about getting an apartment with downtown at the end of July. We're that level of friends where we know each other fairly casually, hang out once in a while, but definitely get along well and have some things in common...yet our lives don't really intersect all that often. I'm nervous, though. The selfish 30 year old in me says I should be getting my own place so I can do what I want, decorate how I want, and not have to answer to anyone about anything. Then there's the side of me that thinks it could be fun, challenging, might encourage me to live neater, and a good move financially. Decisions, decisions.

She said tonight that she was 75% yes. I think that's about where I am, too...so that's good, right?

I

Word Storm

Word Storm

Descending like a hurricane;
a storm of phrases churns through the mind.
As it builds it’s own momentum;
the end result can still be seen,
as through a viewfinder

Fingers race ahead of themselves;
a fury of words has been unleashed.
It settles like Dorothy’s house did;
falling suddenly to the page
from imagination.

At The Bar

It was great to hear my bro play drums tonight. He was in his element, with the right band, it was really exciting. I'm looking forward to tomorrow nights show at The Coffee Company. They are so tight. AMG is really talented and looked so happy.

It is fun and exciting to make new friends, to be bought a drink, to just enjoy life. Driving home in my new car, I felt really alive.

Deep breath and goodnight.

Boogie Fever

I want to dance more. I was at a wedding tonight and the people that I was there with aren't really into dancing at all. The reception was really fun with a dj playing lots of dance-able tunes. I wanted so badly to get out there and really enjoy it, but when you don't really have anyone to dance with, that's sort of hard. I was twitching and tapping and chair dancing. I finally got out on the floor for a couple of songs with my friend Heidi, although she had a hard time enjoying it because she felt sort of self conscious about it. Not me. I love it. I think I feel more confident dancing than I do making small talk at wedding receptions. This is even without any liquid confidence. I wish there were places to go like my parents had when they were younger...everyone went and danced and had a good time. Now, most places to dance are also total meat markets where you can feel the eyes penetrating your clothes. yucky. Anyway, I REALLY hope that if I ever meet that special someone, that he likes to dance...or is at least willing to humor me once in a while.