No More Que Sera Sera

I have to confess... with difficult decisions and choices in life, including the upcoming election; I have caught myself saying "whatever will be, will be..." I was reminded that this is not so. If we pray, God hears us from Heaven and answers us according to His will. We are to pray for His Kingdom to come and His Will to be done. God wants us to be involved. He wants us to surrender ourselves, our plans and our futures to Him... not throw our hands in the air and give up.

Today I spoke to a friend who admitted she is still undecided about her vote. That was another reminder to me that there are many who's minds are not made up about this election... and those who do have their minds made up that God might even decide to change! Pray for God to give us all wisdom!

There's the Rub

So, eating right to promote weight loss and good health is something I keep trying to improve at. Constant Battle. Most of you know that I had surgery in the past (surgery 1 in 2004, surgery 2 in 2005) to remove my colon (large intestine) due to Ulcerative Colitis and pre-cancerous cells. So, I am now 3 years out from the final surgery and for the most part see a lot of improvement in my life from it. (those of you who have traveled with me before and after the surgery are well aware of how much further I can go without having to make stops). However, from time to time I'll deal with issues related to my diet/stress/environment, etc that relate to having no large intestine/digestive issues. Recently, I made quite a few adjustments to my diet in an attempt to promote weight loss/general health/etc... but I've also found myself with some issues/discomfort that includes getting up numerous times in the night.

So, today I decided to do some research on a site for people like me. Most of what I found I already knew... but it still continues to frustrate me! Of course the first thing they tell you is that it's trial and error and as time passes foods may cease to or begin to become problems. Oh, and the healthy stuff... broccoli, salad and greens like spinach, green beans, raw fruits and vegetables... are all things that are typically problems. I knew/know that things like beer/alcohol/caffeine/sugar/spicy foods and chocolate can be problems... but these are also things most anyone should avoid when trying to be healthy.

So here I am trying once again to adjust my diet so that I won't deal with discomfort and digestive issues but yet can lose weight. And I am not one of those people who loses weight due to the illness (that would be one side affect I would probably not mind as much). I had been on a roll with exercise... but because of some of my overnight episodes I haven't been able to get up as easily/felt up to it... so I have to get to the bottom of this. (although some of it is also due to the time change and darkness when I wake up...)

*******

On the up side... I freakin loved the Zumba class... had I mentioned that yet? I'm looking forward to going back next week.

That is an old old pic from a time me and Karen went to VT. (how many years ago was that anyway?)

Today I am thankful for leftovers from concerts... since Ashlea is catering we reap the benefits in the office and it has helped me stretch this paycheck, which was very needed.

My roommate might be moving her piano into our apartment. When she asked my permission, I was like... DUH... heck yes. I am hoping it happens because I'd love to get to practice on it... and maybe even take those piano improv. lessons from my friend Mark that I never got around to before.

I'm realizing that I really need to update my fall and winter wardrobe... my sweaters are really kinda outdated... Today I am enjoying wearing my black fleece... so comfy.

Keep praying for the election. Keep praying for the current administration. Vote your conscience... after first lining up your conscience with scripture and God's guidance. Then, after the election... keep praying for whoever is in office. God can do miracles no matter who ends up in office.

While you're at it... keep praying for me. Every time I think I'm almost over you-know-who... I get hit with another blast of missing him.

autumn weekend recap

This weekend was very Autumn-y. Friday night, me, my friends Erica and Amy went line dancing... it's held at this barn/farmers market place and is very cheap and fun. (if you ever want in, let me know). Then, we went to the Lyndon Diner for dinner/breakfast. mmm scrapple :) Saturday after my worship set at Gateway I went to the Renaissance Faire with Gwend and Cyndee ... wine tasting, music, food, ale and cool autumn air all day was lovely and I was ready to climb into flannel sheets at the end of it all. Sunday after church I walked Lancaster Art Walk with Sherri (my sister in law) which was lovely... and then I crashed early in the evening. Ahhhhh.

At the Gateway worship set we really focused in on God's goodness... I got kind of overwhelmed by the character of God and how much there is to Him... which lead right into the message at church Sunday entitled "Big God". He is so rich and full and huge and awesome.

Tonight i am going to be adventurous and check out my friend Sarah's Zumba class at the Y. It's a dance oriented exercise class... so I think I will like it... but she will surely kick my butt.

A luncheon, a dream (or two), a cutie and a thought

This morning I had a fun change of routine... I "catered" a business luncheon at our office... (see picture)... I did not cook a thing... Giant and Costco take the credit, but I felt like it went well and it was fun. I brought some fall-ish items from home to decorate so it wasn't all plastic table cloths and chips in a bag and what not... not the typical ghetto lunch that I throw for the staff here at the office. :)

I have been dreaming a lot lately. The other night I dreamt about my recent ex and that was annoying. Last night I dreamt about going back to college and most of my friends were there. I attribute it to the recent re-connection with so many people from the forge on facebook. One very interesting/funny thing I remember was my friends Lauren and Paul walking around campus with glasses of wine (it was a Bible College so that wouldn't have flown)... then I had a glass that I broke and for some reason was walking around my dorm with a size-able shard of it in my mouth... and yes I cut the inside of my throat with it. What the?

Last night I babysat for Evie Grace. She is a-freakin-dorable. I love her. For real. Memorable moment from last night...I am attempting to change her diaper... of which I need much practice... and am having a bit of trouble maneuvering. During this time... Evie is being so good, but starting to get slightly irritated at my lack of skill or agility. She begins to say (and sign) "patience" "patience" repeatedly. Needless to say I hugged her and gave her whatever she wanted after that... :) The second diaper change went much better... I think.

One more thing... I had this thought. Yes really. I was thinking that perhaps my disappointment about how things were handled with this recent break up is almost hypocritical to a certain extent. You see, just like I felt like "he" went from hot to cold with me without warning... I think about how I lavish my love on the Lord... will sing of my love for him and of dancing with him, resting in his arms... you know... intimacy... and then ignore Him for days...or act like it never happened. Though it's different, it did strike me. I want to be a true and consistent lover of God... just as I hope to someday have that from a lover in this life... and am thankful that He (God) is always consistent and true and passionate and kind to me.

Good Breaking

So something broke today... in a good way. I'm not the only one who felt it. YESSSSSSSS. THANK YOU JESUS.

I attribute it to prayer. Some of us prayed together the other day at the office and I think that was very significant.

So, last night I was up watching t.v. for a while after getting home from the parade. I then had trouble falling asleep... which I attribute, partially, to eating pizza... but I digress... Anyway, I was up a few times. At 3:30, it was significant, though. I had either been thinking or dreaming about the president entering the room and how when he does, everybody stands. Then I thought about royalty and then the Lord... and suddenly, literally I had a whole song... all the lyrics in one shot. I feel they came from God and I've had some level headed people confirm that they believe it, too. Another good friend admitted he was awake at 3:30 this am and found it significant... I'll find out details later... but here's the song:

(I picture it being heavy in the drum/percussion area kind of in the vein of Nicole C Mullen "Freedom" or something "world beat" maybe almost like a chant or the "Victory March" .... I don't have music for it yet, though. )

Get On Your Feet

Stand Up
for there is royalty in this place
Stand Up
the King is here
Stand Up
to sit would surely be a disgrace
Stand Up
when He is near

No more dy-ing
No more cry-ing
No more worries
No more fear
No more danger
No more strangers
No more anger
The King is here

Stand Up
for there is royalty in this place
Stand Up
the King is here
Stand Up
to sit would surely be a disgrace
Stand Up
when He is near

Celebration
Jubilation
Halelujah
Our names are clear
Can you see it
Can you hear it
Can you feel it
The Day is here

Stand Up
Do you need help standing to your feet
Stand Up
then take my hand
Stand up
for we are just about to be led
Stand Up
to the promised Land

Get up on your feet, Get Up on your feet, It's time to Get up on your feet. Everybody get up on your feet (or something like that)

All I've Got

I promise my posts won't always be this intense...

A lot is swirling around right now in my world and I think that is the same for most of you, too... and this is more than just the story of a girl with a broken heart... life has just been less fun the past few weeks for several reasons.

Recently, I've felt out of control, exhausted, disappointed, frustrated, angry... yet still hopeful and clinging to a joy deeper than what I can see with my eyes. Today is better than yesterday and I believe it will continue to head in that direction.

I'm trying to focus my heart on what is good, right, lovely, etc. Some phrases/verses that I'm trying to keep on the forefront of my mind are:

Be still and know that I am God

Leaning on the everlasting arms

I will not leave you or forget you

On Christ the solid rock I stand when all around is sinking sand

Do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself

For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.

when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
You make all things new

There was no sweat or butt cracks (see previous post for clarity on that) this morning. I'll at least get some exercise walking at First Friday tonight... and I'm making a healthy dinner, so that will be good...especially since I have been gradually letting the junk food back into my life this week. No more... I say, no more.

This weekend will be good and hopefully very fun... First Friday tonight with a strange conglomeration of friends. Tomorrow night the Art Music Justice concert... Sara Groves, Derek Webb, Brandon Heath, Charlie Peacock and Sandra McCracken! Plus a pre-show trip to TJ Rockwells which for me will include a Blueberry Wheat ale... with blueberries in it... Y-U-M. Sunday after church I'm supposed to do something fun and active outside with my friend Erica... so yes... good, distracting fun.

One more thing... last night at our small group affectionately called The Pub, God knew exactly what I needed. My friend Mark led and instead of our typical discussion/scripture kind of night, he played keyboard and we did some singing and some just praying/corporate quiet time similar to what I'm used to at Gateway House of Prayer. It was uncomfortable for me in a good way...

I'm so selfish. Really. I mean when life was sunshine and rainbows I was all about me and how great my life was. Now that I'm feeling more cloudy and... well like what some like to refer to as "shite" today... it's still about me and my whiny self. Gross. I so want to think on those things that are right and pleasing and good... thus focus my attention on God and others. Sometimes it just doesn't come naturally... I guess most times, eh. Bleck. The thing I DON"T want to have happen is I don't want to fall into a slump or hibernate or anything like that. I just want to move through this tunnel as quickly as possible.

On a related note... I have been getting out to exercise every day for several weeks and it's been awesome...in more ways than just weight loss. I didn't get up and go the last 2 days... I think that has a major affect on my outlook and how I feel physically beyond just being slightly depressed. Tomorrow... there will be sweat and increased heart rate if I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn... if dawn has one of those?

Hope

So, I just returned from vaca. in Maine with my mom and Great Aunt Shirley. It was a relaxing time, for sure. As often as possible, I got out on the beach and went walking which was therapeutic... although I think I did a little too much thinking at times. The one day, I wrote "hope" in the sand kind of as a reminder to myself. I love the Sara Groves song with the lyrics

"Hope has a way of turning *its* face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope"

It's a tough time, but I'm turning a corner in my healing process. If you asked me last week I might have said that the past 3 months have been like a drive up an amazing mountain to a breathtaking view that ended abruptly with someone driving me off a cliff ... yet today I am seeing that when I was driven off the cliff, I was wearing a parachute that is taking me to a landing in a new and more precious place.

Perception

It's amazing and beautiful how God can use someone in your life to show you how He sees you.

Learning About Power

This past year I've learned so much. It's insane, really. Lately, I've been really learning a lot about the power God has given us in prayer and even in speaking to situations. The other night at Gateway House of Prayer I realized that God wants to shine through us like a spot light. You know how we sing, "This Little Light Of Mine"... I got the realization that the light we have to shine is in fact not little at all. It was more than a realization... it was a revelation... I could literally feel like my enter midsection had a spotlight shining through it. So, yeah. I'm learning to pray EXPECTING.

a quick note

Last night I went line dancing with my friend Erica. It felt good to have enough energy to move and have a good time. Unfortunately, now this morning I have the International Harvester song in my head.

Far Removed from This

Wow, I haven't posted at this blog site in a really long time... I tend to do most of my blogging at my myspace. I have used this username to post at some other blogs lately, though... I feel pretty far removed from where I was at when I posted my previous posts here. Suffice it to say, that God has done big things in me the past few years and there are more recent updates at http://www.myspace.com/staceymichelle. Maybe I'll write here from time to time again though.

A quote I read recently that meant a lot to me was this:

"As we learn to worship with purity of heart, our eyes will continue to open and we can expect to see what He wants us to see". -Bill Johnson from "When Heaven Invades Earth"

a stream of consciousness

if i don't start somewhere i'll never finish. if i don't drop something i'll drop it all. if i don't look away i'll see more than i bargained for. if i keep my eyes closed i'll miss something great

if you dont take me with you i'll be ok. if you don't let go of my hand i'll let go first. if you don't look away you'll have to see me leaving. if you turn your eyes away you'll see a new beginning.



Weaving in and weaving out
a strand, a string, a line, a wave.


Tantalizing apologizing supersizing exercising

Mozzerella Balls and Marguerita's

Tonight I learned what I had already gathered...that my new roommate is very hospitable. I went to her house for "Bunko" game night. It was fun and she was an incredible hostess with a delicious variety of food and drinks, and a comfortable and fun atmosphere. I love to have people over and I think I am going to learn a thing or two about entertaining from her. : )

I'm thrilled to have a free weekend ahead. I plan to get some packing done in addition to some down time. I have Kill Bill 1 and Fraggle Rock in from Netflix and Kill Bill 2 on the way. (I remember Colin saying the 2nd one is the better of the two). I'm looking forward to a busy week next week complete with a trip to Philly and then the trek to Creation. YAY!!!

in the doghouse

I just watched Dogville. GEESH. It was a well done movie, very atypical...which I loved...but if the character Grace was supposed to be GRACE...then yikes. It left me feeling pretty empty and crushed. I don't expect movies to always end on a high note, but this one sent me crashing and I was left mourning for everyone in the story. Life is not so bleak as some paint it. I'm so thankful.

from "Under the Tuscan Sun"

"...any arbirtrary turning along the way and I would be elsewhere, I would be different. Whate are 4 walls anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkable good things can happen...even late in the game. It's such a surprise!"

I thought that quote was a good afterthought from the previous post.

Putting Time in a Bottle?

I hope to cherish every moment in these next few months as my daily environment changes shape. There is a bittersweet reality in having best friends as co-workers...because that means when lives change, you don't only lose trusted peers, but your social life gets all rearranged. It's all very good, very exciting and perfect, because I feel that it's Gods timing. It also reminds me that my life is still unfolding, too. It happens so fast. I take so much for granted. I hope to drink it all in this summer so that when this period ends...I can sit back and smile at how special it was and continue to look forward to all that life has in store.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes (Turn and Face the Strain)

Tooo Muccchh caffffeeeiine.

Hm, I wonder when U2 will announce who they are touring with in the fall. Oh the crucial questions that plague my mind. I keep obsessively checking their website.

I've been a bit of an emotional basketcase today. Not outwardly...all inside. Conflicting thoughts of..."hey, give ME attention", but then..."I hope everyone just leaves me alone" went through my head all day at work. I am thankful that I had it together enough not to blurt out some of the things I was thinking. As it is, I hear myself sighing out loud far too often...not out of disatisfaction, really...I think I just get overwhelmed with all my weird thoughts or something. There's gotta be a way to hold that sighing in...although that would probably involve holding in harmful oxides of some sort...or something...but sometimes others hear me sigh and I then feel guilty. Self inflicted guilt, of course. (weird guilt and anxiety runs in my family) I'm such a weirdo.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, already...and June...JUNE. WHOA. I have a lot to make sense of the next couple of months. I hope my little disorganized mind can get it's act together. What I really need to do is make time for quiet time...this morning I had set my alarm a little early to get up and go walking. Walking is usually a wonderful opportunity for me to do this...unfortunately, when my alarm went off I was all confused and forgot why on earth it could possibly be going off...and turned it off. I think I'll do a take 2 tomorrow. I loved my evening walks in college. My favorite music to walk to was a tape with the 77's Sticks and Stones on one side and Dream Academy on the other... "indian...indian summer..." I need to find that tape. I'm sure I have it somewhere.