joyful, hopeful, patient faith

JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER. JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER. JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER.

Man, oh man, do I need to keep reciting this!!

Ebenezer Not Scrooge

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Jeshanah, and named it Ebenezer; for he said, "Thus far the Lord has helped us..." 1 Sam. 7:12

At our staff retreat, we had a very inspiring message given by a local pastor. He talked to us about being made in God's image and the power of names. Did I mention it was inspiring. (at least for me). He talked to us about the things we carry and how we see ourselves and then talked about what our names are. How we often live based on the things we carry (our issues) rather than the truth of our name. For example "Ebenezer" means help stone" NOT scrooge.

At the end of the message he gave each of us a flat stone to write our name on and decorate as we desired. He suggested that if one of us in the office was going through something we could make a statement of support by stacking our stones on their desks to let them know we are there for them and that God is our helper, etc.

So, we come back from the retreat and the next day (it was the week before the surgery) I come into my office to find that several of my friends in the office had started a little "ebenezer" pile for me. It was truly encouraging. Of course I should expect nothing less than encouragement from my friends considering their track record of being ridiculously amazing.

By the way, I learned that Stacey comes from the name of a 4th Century Dalmatian saint (not the dog, however I did have a dalmation named Sheba growing up). Stacey (or Anastasius) was martyred. As an English name it has been used since the Middle Ages. A famous bearer of the name was the youngest daughter of the last Russian Tsr nicholas II who was rumored to have escaped the execution of her amily in 1918. If you google it, the name Stacey means resurrection, or bountiful grapes. Interesting, eh.

The Process of Healing

So that's what my scar looks like so far. Not bad, right. Today I tried on one of my necklaces and it practically covered it... but was too uncomfortable to have something touching it so we'll wait to go the necklace route...

I have been thinking about the healing process today. Not just in the light of this surgery, but in life in general.

I was talking to Fred about how impatient I am about singing. I know I can... my voice is ok... but the muscles are very weak and it hurts when I try. A part of me wants to exercise the muscles to make them stronger, but we both agreed this is not the time... I need to be patient and let it heal. Also, I was dizzy the other day and called the Dr and was reminded that even though I am able to be up and around and doing things, I need to realize my body will be healing for at least a few months and I need to listen to it!

All that to be said... sometimes I get frustrated with myself for thoughts I have about relationships, hurts, struggles that I am still healing from. Sometimes I don't get why I am still dealing with it... I mean it's been X amount of time... shouldn't I be fine, shouldn't we just be able to heal and get over it? But healing is a process. God doesn't require us to withstand more than we can bear, but he does require us to go through a process of healing and promises not to leave us while we go through it.

So patience. Patience. Just like the little turtle. Don't be in such a hurry. I'll try not to.

My Reset Button

As I've been recovering from surgery I've had a lot of time to think. Admittedly, most of the time, rather than thinking of anything valuable, I was either watching tv or reading... but one thing did come to mind. I think that part of this whole surgery/being out of commission for a while scenario for me was used to slow me down.

You know... "he makes me lie down in green pastures"... I think God needed to make me lay down. Now of course, there is the medical side... I needed to have that inflamed, noduled up lobe of my thyroid removed for health reasons, but I think i also needed to shut down. It's like God decided it was time to press my reset button.

By the way... healing is going really well. I feel like the scar is going to fade nicely (and am using some special ointment to try and help along that process). At this point I'm still a bit weak and light headed with some achiness but doing really well... and thankful for the overwhelming love and affection I've received.

all the kings horses come running?

Wednesday night on my drive home from "Lost" night at the Placencia's. (GOOD TIMES) I let myself get self absorbed. (I know, what else is knew these days). I was thinking through my myriad of health stuff and was mentally comparing myself to Humpty Dumpty... and praying that God would put me back together again soon. (it's amazing how deep in thought I can get driving only a few blocks).

So, I got home, was carrying my crock pot with leftover buffalo chicken dip, a bag with some celery in it and my purse. I get inside, unlock my door, and begin to ascend the stairs... and fall. Hard. Landing with my kneee in the step resulting in big bruised egg, and hit my chest on the crock pot (nice bruise there, too). I thought for sure Shauna (my roommate) or my scary (but thoughtful) neighbor Dan would hear me moaning. I limped up the stairs and got ready for bed.

But isn't that funny. I have to wonder if God was using his sense of humor there, if it was a coincidence or what. Or... of course there's the fact that I'm a ridiculous clutz. There's always that.

Candy, Candy, Candy

So, I really love starbursts. (and skittles, and swedish fish and other chewy candy) From time to time I'll have a candy dish out on my desk filled to the brim to share with my co-workers. (and of course gorge myself with throughout the day) Of course the pinks and reds are usually the first to go. WELL... I was at our local Giant Foodstore and found some individual packets of "Favor-reds"... a variety pack of all the yummy pink and red flavors. Weeeee. It doesn't take much to thrill me, now does it?

Leaning

After yesterday's post about Faith, I headed to my Tuesday night worship set at the House of Prayer. Many of the songs that our worship leader had chosen revolved around letting go, God moving in power, etc... so I was definitely engaged in crying out to God through the songs. After our time was through and I debriefed and prayed with my team, I went to the Healing Rooms next door. (Place to receive individual prayers for specific personal needs). I prayed with a few people and it did help. I realized that I still have some disappointment I'm dealing with from my past health issues. I also realized I needed to ask for forgiveness for certain unbelief, but also forgive myself.

I am so thankful for encouraging friends who have been through it and allow me to think/deal out loud.

I also got a pamphlet with a bunch of scriptures about faith, promises, healing, etc.

Faith

I think I emailed most of you who read this about my consultation with the surgeon today. If not, let me know and I"ll fill you in. So in a month from now I will be back in the hospital to have part or all of my thyroid removed because of precancerous stuff. However, I believe that God heals. So I am believing that God is going to heal me and I'll get in there and the Dr will open me up to find nothing, no nodules, no Cancer. Praise Jesus. Except this is a tricky thing, to be honest about. I know that God loves me and can heal and does heal. I trust that. However, when it comes right down to it I don't expect Him to. Mostly because of my previous surgery. I know there are times and reasons etc for everything, but I guess I just have this feeling that God has this as part of my life. I know I can deal with it gracefully and maybe somehow affect others in the midst of it... but what I WANT to believe with all my heart is that He WILL HEAL ME!!! I will keep receiving prayer at every turn and will keep leaning on Him. I just soooo want to have the confidence to believe for a miracle... not just in word, but in my heart. I can believe it for everyone else... no problem. Why not me?

In 5 Years

Remember in the high school yearbook, at least in ours, there was a "in 5 years" section? Mine said that I'd be singing in an Italian Opera. (due to my ridiculously high soprano voice at the time... I think my range has changed a little with age.

We also get asked this questions from time to time at our staff evaluations. Since ours our next week, I was thinking this morning... and realized that in 5 years I'm going to be 39. Almost 40. WHAT! This is the first time I think that when asked the question, I'll care more. My answer in the past has always been, "ah whatever" "go with the flow" that kind of thing. Thinking in terms of my age causes me to want to take that question a little more seriously. Where DO I want to be in 5 years?

dry

Is it me or is it dryer than normal this Winter? I feel like I am constantly slathering some kind of lotion or chapstick on. Or maybe it's just me?

Hidden

On Saturday during the worship/prayer set that I'm on at Gateway House of Prayer we were focusing partly on Psalm 31... which talks about taking refuge in the Lord, Him being our Rock, etc. I came to a realization or had a deeper revelation of what that means. I think I've had a fairly narrow view of what this means. When I have pictured being hidden in the "cleft of the Rock", I picture myself hiding in one of the big cracks in the boulders surrounding the house where I grew up, or on the hike to the pinnacle... you know what I mean, where you pretend you're in a cave when you are a kid... anyway, I saw it as a hiding place. Which is true...

Taking this fact to a deeper dimension, though, I realized that being hidden in Him involves being enfolded by God Himself. It involves a leaning in on our part, a running to Him, a trusting. Taking refuge in Him is not only hiding from the bad guys, so to speak, but also an allowing of Him to be all that we need.

Also, it's more than Him being bigger and stronger than us. (though I'm so thankful He is) It's the fact that when we are encompassed by Him, the enemy cannot touch us because of His holiness. We in our sin cannot be seen when He is completely covering us.

Don't you love when scripture comes to light in a new way? The whole picture of Him enfolding us was really mind blowing. I kind of pictured a mix between a dad with a huge blanket covering me and a being with these huge soft wings wrapping me up where I cannot be seen and am completely safe.

3 of My Favorites

Singing, reading and writing are 3 of my favorite things. This week has been a good one for all 3. Like most weeks, I did a lot of singing... between church, the House of Prayer, my shower, my car... etc. I was pretty excited/nervous about singing a solo in a song we sang at church... "You Won't Relent" by Misty Edwards. It's a song that I love, so it was really exciting to get to sing it at church. It's interesting... I do have to deal with my "stuff" when it comes to doing a solo kind of thing... it's really important to me that I really worship when I'm on worship team... I don't want to be in a performance mentality... as much as I want to do well... if that makes sense. I also don't want to get to overly into the whole solo thing... because as someone who loves the arts, I know it is easy for a weird competitive thing to rise up in me in wanting to be the one picked, blah blah...so it was fun and good for the soul.

I've been reading since I was really little... my parents like to tell the stories of me reading the bible at some ridiculous age where I'm sure I didn't understand much of what I was reading. Anyway, this weekend was the first meeting of a new book club I'm involved with. It's fun because it's with friends that I LOVE to spend time with and women that I have a lot of respect for so... good times. The first book we are going to read is "The Three Cups of Tea" by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin. Apparently there is a Baltistan proverb that ring's true with theme of the book: "The first time you share tea with a Balti, you are a stranger," a villager tells Greg Mortenson. "The second time, you are an honored guest. The third time you become family.".. It's a nonfiction. I'm excited about it. I"m also working my way through the Mitford series by Jan Karon, and "How Not to Date a Loser"... which I'm actually learning a lot from.

Writing... I hadn't been doing as much of that lately... but I pulled out a poem I had written several weeks ago... I actually got the inspiration on my walk home from seeing Denison Witmer at The Chameleon. I'll post it below... I've done a few drafts, but I like this one, I think:

Droplets on Branches

I’ve looked closely to find
The nature of love
From passion to pain
In a breath

droplets on branches
left from Autumn rain
shine in the moonlight
dry up in the sun

Your kisses that lingered
On skin soft and warm
Have Melted away
in my tears

Footprints on sidewalks
Through fresh Winter snow
Melt in the sunlight
Were you ever here?

So Many Blessings to Count

Thanksgiving is past, (though the leftovers remain) and I am thinking about thankfulness some more... I think I do count my blessings fairly often. Here are some of the things I've been thankful for today:

• that I have a family that has taught me how to be loving and receive love affectionately

• for friends that I can go be girlie with and go for coffee, or shoe and purse shopping when I need a diversion

• for friends to share holidays and special moments with when I can't make it up north

• for a really great roommate. It's important to be comfortable and happy in your home and I am!
  

• my car... it's nice to have one I'm proud of and can rely on

• health insurance.
  

• a thoughtful brother who knows me so well and is one of my best friends

• Hope
  

it's beginning to look a lot like

Yeah, I know Thanksgiving hasn't happened yet. And I have not broken out any of my Christmas paraphanalia yet, but my heart is heading in that direction. This morning there were flurries, which was extremely exciting and beautiful. I listened to some James Taylor Christmas with Melody and today the Rosie Thomas song "Why Can't It Be Christmastime All Year". Fun. I still am waiting for decorating until after Thanksgiving... which is soon.

I have some gift ideas in mind...we'll see... this year I don't feel as alone in the low fundage scenario... I think just about everyone is cutting back. I think it lends to more creative gifting so that could be fun, actually. Some time spent gifts, perhaps.

I'm going to be 34 soon. Weird. WEEIIRRDDD. There is a lot that I still can't believe hasn't happened yet in my life, and some things that I am shocked HAVE happened. Life is unpredictable that's for sure.

I had a conversation last night about goals that got me thinking... about what things are within my power and what aren't. About what measurable success is. Still chewing on this, and might have more to share on it later.

and Closer...

I was thinking about the title/url to my blog... closer-to-fine. I came up with that as my title years ago. Certainly, I don't equate my life to the lyrics of the song with the same title... at all. (though musically I love "the girls") But I do feel like life's a journey and hopefully I am always getting closer to the Truth in it and closer to loving myself and God the way I should. (I know that God has done big things in that area already, but know there's a long way to go!!!)

Today after I chose the picture I'm using for my blog of me as a little 4th grader in Cape Cod... I was thinking about the "become like a child" verse. It says "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." I also found this verse in Phillipians. " Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe "

Although I am, in fact, quite child-like in many ways...as my friends can attest to. I have a lot farther... or closer to go. And, we are not naturally that way... we have to "change and become" like children.

...and I love the phrase "Shine like stars in the universe". How beautiful is that?

Life As a Blank Sheet

Last night I led discussion at small group and we talked about surrender... one of the analogies I found when planning was that if we were to have a contract with God it should be a blank sheet of paper where we sign on the bottom and allow him to fill in the details as we go along. I know I've had times in my life where I said... ok, God I give you A, B, and C but this seems different. SO much more all encompassing. The other thing I keep learning is that I have to DAILY surrender... actually moment by moment. Lately, I've been struggling with my thoughts and being defeated by them and I HAVE GOT TO take them captive one by one and hand them over.

I'm pretty excited about the weekend ahead. Tonight I am going to lay low with some girl friends and watch movies, eat crap and just veg. I haven't done that in a LONG time. The rest of the weekend is pretty open... in fact besides my time at the House of Prayer and church I am free... so hopefully some R &R, time outdoors, or housework... we'll see.

I'm excited... the Gateway House of Prayer has been open 24/7 for a while now, but we are 1 hr away from being staffed 24/7, too... this means anytime somebody goes in they will never be alone there. I think that's pretty exciting. Where two or more are gathered... and God is worthy of 24/7 praise! (and our world needs people praying round the clock, too).

No More Que Sera Sera

I have to confess... with difficult decisions and choices in life, including the upcoming election; I have caught myself saying "whatever will be, will be..." I was reminded that this is not so. If we pray, God hears us from Heaven and answers us according to His will. We are to pray for His Kingdom to come and His Will to be done. God wants us to be involved. He wants us to surrender ourselves, our plans and our futures to Him... not throw our hands in the air and give up.

Today I spoke to a friend who admitted she is still undecided about her vote. That was another reminder to me that there are many who's minds are not made up about this election... and those who do have their minds made up that God might even decide to change! Pray for God to give us all wisdom!

There's the Rub

So, eating right to promote weight loss and good health is something I keep trying to improve at. Constant Battle. Most of you know that I had surgery in the past (surgery 1 in 2004, surgery 2 in 2005) to remove my colon (large intestine) due to Ulcerative Colitis and pre-cancerous cells. So, I am now 3 years out from the final surgery and for the most part see a lot of improvement in my life from it. (those of you who have traveled with me before and after the surgery are well aware of how much further I can go without having to make stops). However, from time to time I'll deal with issues related to my diet/stress/environment, etc that relate to having no large intestine/digestive issues. Recently, I made quite a few adjustments to my diet in an attempt to promote weight loss/general health/etc... but I've also found myself with some issues/discomfort that includes getting up numerous times in the night.

So, today I decided to do some research on a site for people like me. Most of what I found I already knew... but it still continues to frustrate me! Of course the first thing they tell you is that it's trial and error and as time passes foods may cease to or begin to become problems. Oh, and the healthy stuff... broccoli, salad and greens like spinach, green beans, raw fruits and vegetables... are all things that are typically problems. I knew/know that things like beer/alcohol/caffeine/sugar/spicy foods and chocolate can be problems... but these are also things most anyone should avoid when trying to be healthy.

So here I am trying once again to adjust my diet so that I won't deal with discomfort and digestive issues but yet can lose weight. And I am not one of those people who loses weight due to the illness (that would be one side affect I would probably not mind as much). I had been on a roll with exercise... but because of some of my overnight episodes I haven't been able to get up as easily/felt up to it... so I have to get to the bottom of this. (although some of it is also due to the time change and darkness when I wake up...)

*******

On the up side... I freakin loved the Zumba class... had I mentioned that yet? I'm looking forward to going back next week.

That is an old old pic from a time me and Karen went to VT. (how many years ago was that anyway?)

Today I am thankful for leftovers from concerts... since Ashlea is catering we reap the benefits in the office and it has helped me stretch this paycheck, which was very needed.

My roommate might be moving her piano into our apartment. When she asked my permission, I was like... DUH... heck yes. I am hoping it happens because I'd love to get to practice on it... and maybe even take those piano improv. lessons from my friend Mark that I never got around to before.

I'm realizing that I really need to update my fall and winter wardrobe... my sweaters are really kinda outdated... Today I am enjoying wearing my black fleece... so comfy.

Keep praying for the election. Keep praying for the current administration. Vote your conscience... after first lining up your conscience with scripture and God's guidance. Then, after the election... keep praying for whoever is in office. God can do miracles no matter who ends up in office.

While you're at it... keep praying for me. Every time I think I'm almost over you-know-who... I get hit with another blast of missing him.

autumn weekend recap

This weekend was very Autumn-y. Friday night, me, my friends Erica and Amy went line dancing... it's held at this barn/farmers market place and is very cheap and fun. (if you ever want in, let me know). Then, we went to the Lyndon Diner for dinner/breakfast. mmm scrapple :) Saturday after my worship set at Gateway I went to the Renaissance Faire with Gwend and Cyndee ... wine tasting, music, food, ale and cool autumn air all day was lovely and I was ready to climb into flannel sheets at the end of it all. Sunday after church I walked Lancaster Art Walk with Sherri (my sister in law) which was lovely... and then I crashed early in the evening. Ahhhhh.

At the Gateway worship set we really focused in on God's goodness... I got kind of overwhelmed by the character of God and how much there is to Him... which lead right into the message at church Sunday entitled "Big God". He is so rich and full and huge and awesome.

Tonight i am going to be adventurous and check out my friend Sarah's Zumba class at the Y. It's a dance oriented exercise class... so I think I will like it... but she will surely kick my butt.