more love

I want to love better. I am loving but I don't always manifest it. For example... I would tell you that I love everyone... when in fact there are people I don't act loving toward at all. There are people I ignore, laugh at, snub, disdain... what's that all about? My desire in my heart of hearts is to be real and to love authentically. I do realize that I'm not Jesus... His love never fails. Mine will. But I know that it has a lot more potential.

35

Wishing I hadn't waited 35 years to figure it out... and hoping that I keep it up another 35.. or however long I have left to live.

bottomless pit?

Today I feel like I could literally eat a horse. I won't though. :)

reminded again

This morning I had breakfast with my friend Laura. It was great to start my Monday a little late, enjoy some delicious coffee and fruit/yogurt parfait at Prince ST Cafe... but most importantly to sit and talk with Laura.

Laura spent a year in Haiti teaching at the YWAM base in St. Marc. When I shared about God stirring some things in my heart with her about missions (specifically to Haiti) several weeks ago, she was quick to say... we need to sit down and talk. I want to hear all about what God is doing. Laura is so good at encouraging and listening and asking questions. We realized we have some more personality traits in common than we realized as we talked about sometimes getting bogged down by the details (for example I still need to get my passport)... which is step 1. lol.

But it was so good. I made the decision not to look at my watch/phone for the time even though I knew I didn't want to be too late for work... so we were there over an hour and it was good. (I think getting into a culture where you spend less time caring about time would be good for me)

I was reminded to remember what God started stirring in me. To keep it before Him and ask questions. To be open in my spirit to whatever comes next, and to take some time to sit and chat over coffee and forget about the rest of the world and it's pull every once in a while.

Reminded

Last night I went to the Awake Tonight Tour concert. It was the first time in a while I have been to one of "our" concerts. I used to always go... but haven't so much as of late. I think it was really good and important for me to be there. I was reminded to appreciate what I am a part of here at CMI and WJTL.

The concert was so good. All 3 bands were quailty. The stage performances were impressive and high energy... and the message was present. Jesus did not get forgotten amidst all the crazy flames, lights, video and various stage changes. The message was loud and clear.

It's an interesting balance when you work behind the scenes not to forget to appreciate what we are actually doing out there! I don't think it's a bad thing that I don't get out to everything as much as I used to... I've learned the balance of having a life and friends outside of work. :) But, I do think it's key to get out and see what we're doing to remember there are thousands of faces behind the mailings, emails, phone calls, etc. etc. etc.

Yesterday

... could easily have become a bust... My legs were sore from the previous days work out, I felt guilty for eating crap at lunch, I didn't feel super productive at work, had to pay a parking ticket of $45, had to eat humble pie in dropping off my rent check late (and gave it to the babysitter), I hit a curb and busted my tire and had to buy a new one.... uuuuugh.

I also got some news about a friends health that was not really encouraging...

HOWEVER... it was a gorgeous sunny day. My friend Chris who I might as well call my big brother (even though we are not related, and he is younger than me)... helped me change my tire to a spare. This was no easy feat considering how tight and rusty the bolts were!

Oh... and I had the best run of my life... I'm on the 1st Run of Week 5 in my 9 week program... This one was (3) 5 minute intervals of running and I felt great... next run is (2) 8 minutes and the third will be a 20 minute run! Woo Hoo. I felt so alive and happy out there.

Then, at Gateway House of Prayer last night I heard God clearly speaking to my heart, reminding me I am never outside of His Love. Reminding me that my friends are never outside of His love. The suffering in Haiti and all over the world are never outside of His Love.

So, yesterday was trying and frustrating, but also a really really amazing day.

naive or cynical?

I was sitting here at my desk thinking, hmph... (rather smugly)... I'd rather by naive than cynical... and was preparing to get my thoughts together and blog about it... but then I remembered that we are to be "wise as serpents/harmless as doves"... with faith like a child, innocent but not lacking judgement...Hm still processing... but my point was I do NOT ever want to become cynical... that I do know.

Love, Wisdom and Creeps

I'm trying to process some thoughts about my attitude when it comes to people who are "creepy"... now to be clear... I don't mean people I find unattractive or people that are different... I mean people that say things that are inappropriate/make me uncomfortable or in the case of the dance scene...people that I can tell are not treating me with respect...

Yesterday I felt like God was trying to get me to think about my heart attitude. It's a tricky thing. I know that it's we need to use wisdom (especially as women) with our boundaries and how we interact with people who seem to have questionable intentions toward us. There are people I've dealt with at dancing that I've had to come to a place where I won't dance with them because too many comments were made about watching my body, too many uncomfortable dance moves, etc... I have come to a place where I think it's ok and right to say no to a person that makes me feel uncomfortable. In fact I have addressed it on one occasion and made it clear that I didn't appreciate the comments, and it happened again... so. But still... how should my heart feel toward this person, or people in general that give me the creeps? I'm supposed to love them. I'm trying to find that balance of loving with wisdom... not detesting the person... but not making myself vulnerable... man that's tricky.

Yesterday I was out for a run... mid day... totally safe time of day... and I passed 2 men. I smiled at them... just smiled... and after they passed me they made some comment about swinging my hips.... I got so angry... but then wondered... how am I supposed to feel toward people like that. I'm supposed to love them... I can be disgusted by their conduct... but how do I love them. Wow, it's hard. How does God do it... love us... who totally treat him with disrespect...in all of our sin and disgusting creepiness sometimes. Wow. It's tough. I can only do it with His help.

There is talk of a possible blizzard this weekend... and I am whirling around the office like a 2 year old. I must be nuts. I know that if it happens it will mean hours of work, hours of shoveling, and missed plans... but for some reason I still get excited.

Speaking of excited... my cousins and I have been organizing a reunion for Easter weekend/Meme's birthday. It will be the first time in a while that we have all gotten together, specifically the cousins. I'm really excited for it. I miss the days of us all going to Meme and Pepe's for holidays, us kids escaping for walks in the woods or down the dead end dirt road... I'm hoping for a chance to sit around and talk and laugh. I'm also thankful that we are getting this together before it happens for another funeral. In our big family, they come all too often.

In exercise world... I was excited to up the ante on some of my weights again last night... though today I'm feeling it in my arms and back. Still loving Body Jam and dancing like a maniac shaking my bootay, too. Soooo glad Erica got me hooked! lol. Tonight is running... Couch to 5 K, Week 2 Run 3. Yee haw.

Why Don't We Just Dance

Love that song.

I was thinking about it this morning in the way of Joy and Victory and Fun and Life. "Well it might be me, but the way I see it the whole world has gone crazy, so baby why don't we just dance"... Why DON'T we dance in the face of the crap in our life? Why DON'T we dance for joy? We, who have Jesus, have the promise of an everlasting life. Why DON'T we just dance because it's fun? Because it's healthy? Because we are to come to Him like children...

Obviously, I know that there is a time and a season for everything. For some of us, it might not be a time to dance today...but it will be again someday soon. And for many of us... it is and we just aren't.

Electrictiy and Couch to 5K Wk 2 Day 2

Last night I did my 2nd run on week 2s podcast...it's a 5 minute brisk walk warm up, then 6 intervals of 90 second run, 2 minute walking then 5 minute cool down. Yay, I can do this.

I am a ball of energy. Some fueled by the exercise, but more the last couple of weeks fueled by what the Lord is doing in me... I just know it. It's like electricity, life, joy, hope and anticipation and I don't even know quite what for yet... but I do know that I am determined to be open to it.

I have heard from so many powerful, inspiring, anointed people the past several days... and I have been challenged to move. The voice that is ringing the most in my ears right now, though, is the one that is saying get ready, get ready, get ready in my heart and churning up something I've never felt before.

God, don't let me breeze past this moment of availability. Shoot me like a rocket where ever you want me whether that be around the block or across the world.

A Blank Canvas

What a difference it makes to look at life and see the possibilities rather than the missed ones. Each day is a blank canvas for God to write on. Each breath is another gift. There is so much more to life than we are living. There is so much more to see than we open our eyes to and to hear than we listen for.

Lately God has been reminding me how available I am and asking me what I am willing to do with that fact. When the sky is the limit... it's a really exciting place to be... scary too; but I'm willing to jump off the cliff if I know He is there to catch me.

an email I sent to my dad.

Dear Dad,

Thank you. I have a new appreciation for all the hard work you did/do at home with shoveling/snow blowing/ keeping up property. Considering you had all our land, house, barns and out buildings to deal with and I just have a few feet of sidewalk and a car length of shoveling to deal with... I have a new appreciation for all the hours of work that you do through out the Winter at home on top of your many hours at your job. I always took that and so much else that you do for granted... and today I want to thank you.

Love,
Stacey

something i wrote

I wrote this over the past couple of weeks... don't worry, it's not quite as autobiographical as it sounds...

I can’t help wondering how you are
Or imagining how you feel
I try to stop my mind in its track
But it only has one rail

I struggle to erase my thoughts
As they race through the days gone by
I close my eyes and they’re all right there
as clear as today sometimes

Tromping and rummaging through my head
All The Memories of your face
Sensations I will never forget
How I felt in your embrace

I wasn’t made for goodbyes
Forever is written within me
although our ever after has passed
my first love you’ll always be

Couch to 5 Feet... of snow. :)

That's it. I'm ready to ski...

In other news... I'm sleeping at the office again tonight... and just a peek into how ridiculous I am... I actually got excited about coming back in. Granted, that loses it's luster after about a 1/2 hour of staring at the computer and doing cancellation data entry... but there is a weird little adrenaline rush out of it all.

Anyway... in exercise news... today I shoveled. Nuff said.

Couch 2 5 K Week 2 Day 1, Beginnings of a Blizzard

I'm writing this blog in my froggy fleece pajamas, in my office with the lights out and the air mattress pumped up and ready to go. It's been snowing for a while now, I'm not sure how many inches we've gotten, but a few of us have decided to hunker down for the night so we can take care of the radio station bright and early.

I was able to break away from "snow crew" for a couple of hours at the end of the day and made it to the gym. Sadly, when I went to turn on my ipod, I realized that it wasnt working (hopefully just needs a charge) so I did my run counting in my head... 90 seconds of running, 120 seconds of walking... I'm sure it wasn't quite what it should have been... but I got a run in and also did some sit ups and push ups. No blizzard is keeping me down :)

Sunny Sunday, Couch 2 5K Run 3 Woo Hoo

Yesterday was a beautiful day... I was sooo thankful for a break from snow crew... and for church. The drive was snowy and sunny and gorgeous... I was excited for worship and it was a really great service. I felt power when I sang and there was a great time of spontaneous worship where everyone seemed to be flowing on the same wave.

After church I headed to the gym prepared to do my 3rd run in the program and finish out week one. While I was changing in the locker room I heard, "Hey, there's a Stacey" and my friend Shirley was there. I ended up joining her for "Jazzercise" and then going for my run. Jazzercise was not quite as "jazz hands" as I expected.. it was a fine work out but nothing like Body Jam as far as level of intensity for me. I'd do it again for a Sunday workout, but not sold...

Shirley joined me for the 3rd installment of my running program. Hooray. The track at the gym was more crowded than normal, but that's my only complaint. It was fun to run with a partner, though I think I might be more apt to push harder when I go by myself. The run was fun. I could talk and run at the same time. I'm ready for week 2. WOO HOO.

Last night I went to a fun Superbowl party... I watched none of the game, ate and talked and then snuck out early to go swing dancing... it was a small crowd with just the right people there for a great night...

Tonight... Body Jam... Tomorrow... more snow.

Blizzard 2010

It came. It snowed. It conquered. Wow.

So I was right about the plans getting canceled, but was reminded that snow days actually mean no down time for me... oh well... i guess there can be worse things than having to be online all day for work. :)

Funny story from today. I went out for a round of shoveling the sidewalk, only to head back in and realize I had locked myself out. ZOINKs. After attempting to shove the front door open and slightly freaking out, I made my way around to the back of the house. The door to the kitchen wouldn't budge so I headed to the roof and thankfully was able to get the window open... Wooo hoo. Let me tell you, though... there was a lot of snow on that roof (which I should go shovel)... and it is freaky walking on a roof when you can't see it through the snow. But I got in and all is well.

I love the snow. It's a lot different when you are an adult though, But it's not all bad. I work with a great team. Everyone pitches in to get things done... I've worked a pretty long day today, but someone stepped up so I don't have to tomorrow like I was supposed to. Woo Hoo... and not all my plans got ruined. Soon, my brother and sister in law will be over for dinner... there's food ready to be eaten, including some chocolate chip cookies that I may or may not have sampled 2 or 3 of while they were warm... oops... then back to work

Couch to 5 K Week one, 2nd Run and stuff

Today started off with a burst... I made it to my 1 hr "Body Pump" class at the gym and then ran my 2nd of 3 runs for the week for the Couch to 5K. I definitely was feeling ready to be done by the last couple of intervals... but it wasn't too bad... Woo hoo.

It was a good feeling to get so much done so early... I even made it to the grocery store before work... although the place had been ravaged by the blizzard buyers... I honestly was just out of food... I would have gone today snow or no snow... :) (and there was plenty of bread and milk... but not so much on the produce... interesting... New Years resoluters?)

We're supposed to get blasted with a blizzard... all my weekend plans are up in the air, but I actually don't mind. Some free time/down time/spontaneous city fun is on the horizon... and some extra hours at work for snow crew... wee.

Couch to 5 K Day One Week One

I'm 35 and I've NEVER been a runner. Ever. or a jock of any sort. I played basketball in 8th grade and was no good. I tried summer camp with field hockey but nope. Sixth grade soccer... I was a sweeper, I think it's called... defense... little to no running required. I could walk all day... but running was my enemy. Later in life, well lets just say I was carrying a lot around to try to run with... and actually it was the furthest thing from my mind.

Welp... last summer I had tried to challenge myself to mix some running in with my walking, but didn't have a ton of success... mostly because I was doing it for the wrong reasons, I think. So, recently when I was walking and threw in some runs, I noticed that i could run much further without almost dying. :)

Well, my friend Erica had told me about this couch to 5k podast program, and I was interested. Today I plugged in my ipod and hit the sidewalks. (by the way, re-thinking the whole cut off sweats thing on a cold/snowy day... my legs are very red).

So anyway, I did it! It's intervals of walking 90 seconds/running 60 seconds for like half an hour or so. It was actually fun and the minutes didn't seem that long. I'm excited. I don't know how faithful I'll be with the program considering that I am going to classes at the gym 2-3 x a week and dancing 2-3x a week... but I'm going to keep challenging myself to incorporate running into my lifestyle and workouts and who knows, you may just see me out there at one of those 5ks in the future!