in other amazing news

I will be using my passport in September.

never alone

Life has been insane lately... I think most of the people that read this blog know that I've had some crazy health stuff going on that threw me for a loop the last few weeks... so I won't re-hash it all right now... we're all probably tired of those details. I know I am.

However, I do not tire of saying how freaking, amazing, wonderful and a plethora of other adjectives and adverbs my friends and family are. I am surrounded by love. I know that it all flows through my God... and through the people that are in my life. As alone as I felt when I was sick and confused at why... as much as I cried out "God, what am I supposed to do?"...I also had that inner knowing that I was cared for and carried.

I like this pic of the person being carried away by balloons...it also reminds me of "UP" which I watched with my brother in the hospital... and I will never forget that, for many reasons. Including the huge super cool card he made me and the way he has been so so good to his big sister.

consolation

According to the Mary Kay lady, I have droopy eyes. Consolation: the nice way of saying that is "Bedroom Eyes".

I feel a little like this today

Doing New Things

Life has been a whirlwind lately... I do a pretty decent job of keeping my calendar full just about to the point of ridiculousness with all the stuff on it... but I do have to say I'm excited about the way life has been lately... I've gotten to do a lot of new things... like backpacking/biking camping, learning some home improvement stuff while helping Chris and Melody with the new house... and tomorrow is my first 5 mile race. What am I thinking... aaaah. A little nervous, but have made it my motto lately not to say I can't do anything.

I'm also wondering about some of the new things I'm doing... gee couldn't being able to rough it, knowing how to do some basic construction, and getting into shape be beneficial for me when I take that missions trip I'm GOING to take. Not sure what to do next with that whole scenario. I feel like I've put it out there to one of the key people that I wanted to, so now I need to figure out what's next, and wait, and pray... we shall see.

Why do I ignore my anchor
Floating round my destiny
Acting like I’m compassless
Equipped yet lost at sea

I threw my anchor deep today
It found the rocky ground
My support is sure and strong
I won’t be tossed around

Tension and Counter Balance

Last night I was at York Swing Dance Club’s monthly blues lesson/clinic. Blues dancing, like most dance, relies heavily on connection and chemistry. To even begin to get there, tension and counter balance are key. I’ve been taking lessons for a little while in this specific dance and some of the areas I struggle with are being patient (not assuming I know where the lead is trying to take me), keeping the tension (keeping my hold firm and “sitting into” the position), and reading the leads tension to give back the same counterbalance. The stretch/tension is actually the best part but sometimes we/I want to rush past it to find the next part of the move…

As I was laying in bed falling asleep last night; I started thinking about how much these lessons can be taken into other aspects of life and how I struggle with similar things there, too. Just like in dance, there’s always more to learn in order to really fully experience every beat of life.

Conflict and Direction

I just returned from "An Evening with Donald Miller". It was a totally different "lecture" than the last time I saw him. The last time was more story telling/fireside chat...This one was more academic... being held at Messiah, he catered in that student/teacher/scholarly direction. Very thought provoking... but again touching on the issues of our lives as stories with conflict. That being a Christian doesn't remove the conflict from the story. That God doesn't "control" us on purpose because love is not controlling. He Shepherds us, but doesn't desire to control us...per se. He gives us our lives with a big piece of burlap paper to color on... Our lives are all about relationship with him. Many many many good and challenging things.

I'm left thinking about my story again. i'm excited that I'm out living it. I'm excited that God gives us all these amazing things to do with Him and yes, sometimes He very clearly lets us know that we should turn left... and sometimes He hands us a map and says, where do you long to go? What do you long to do? I want to go with you.

Running and Finishing

I finished my first 5K race on Saturday... the YWCA Race Against Racism. It was awesome... the massive crowd of runners, the nervous excitement before the race, running with my friend Tandy and my sister in law and friend Sherri, seeing so many friends out on race day, the overwhelming support of my brother and friends, but of course... finishing was the best part. 35:45 was my time. I was happy with that. My first 5K race and I had only ever run that distance one other time... so it was a big deal. I have another one this coming Saturday and plan to keep running consistently and training to run 5 miles as my next goal and also to cut time off my 5K. I will keep running.

Misty Edwards has a song "I Will Run". Some of the lyrics are " I will run the race set before me. I will seek Your face As the prize of my life. All I want is You
All I crave is You. My – soul – pants - for - God - and - God - alone". I actually was thinking of this while I was running... when I felt like quitting... not this specific song, but that I am running this race that I cannot and will not quit on. This faith walk with God. With Him as the prize in the end and also Him as my biggest cheer leader! All I want is You or the things that flow from you.

Opening the Door

I FINALLY went to the Perfunctory Court office (like using that word) and registered for my passport. There's something about having that step done... I have no details worked out yet for travel, yet I feel like finally making this move is a huge step forward to me...like cracking open the door to missions. The money involved in a passport isn't much for most people, but for me it is.

So now I need to start gathering details... I have friends in mind to talk to. I didn't want to talk to certain missionary friends of mine before I was truly serious. I don't want to be "that person" who says yeah, it would be great to go and then never does. I'm sure they hear that all the time. So now what? Well pray...of course... that's a given and a constant. But what practical things do I need to do to start a plan? I can get bogged down with the unknown of details... or even the known... which is why I can sometimes have money in the bank and not pay a bill on time... or was going to get a tax refund but waited until the last minute to file... Weird, eh.

So anyway... a step, an action, a move has been made... now getting over the threshold.

Shutters

Shutters

Open close open close
Doors like shutters flutter

What was yes becomes a no
What once was no is wait
Just wait
For now

Open close open close
Hearts like doors are hinged

What I hope and what I dream
What I first claimed as mine
Is mine
No more

Open shut open shut
Eyes like windows close

What I see is only part
What’s truly meant to be
Will be
In time.

Doors

So, remember yesterday... you know that whole new mercies thing. Totally true. :) Where one door closes, one opens...

In fact, my one friend (that I apologize to for my attitude) responded to my apology and said "i don't say this to be trite, but i do believe that your time is coming. a time where the Lord will open up doors that you've wanted opened for a long time - and doors that you forgot you wanted opened :)"

So here has been my last 24 hours...

My run last night was literally a God send. JUST what THE Dr ordered. I spent a little time practically vomiting all over God and then just shut up and that was the best part. Not only did I literally pound out the junk with God on the sidewalk, I finally managed to run an entire 5K. Woo hoo.

Worship at Gateway House of Prayer last night... musically nothing spectacular on my end... in fact I made some mistakes... but was FULL of joy... and purpose. Jimmy spoke on creating a Highway for God and I am all over it. I need to go back and listen to the message again because it really spoke to my heart. I am available. I want to advance the Kingdom.

Today... new attitude. Happy. Laughing. Feeling purposeful. 2 significant possible opportunities popped up from out of nowhere to do things that I love and things that God has been asking me to do. It was like God said listen ... let me open and close the doors.

Being Plowed

I'm having one of those weeks where I am very aware of the state of my heart. Today as I was driving around running errands for work, I realized I am a garden and God is doing some plowing...some digging around. I asked Him to, so why am I surprised? But ow.

It's like I can almost physically feel Him "mucking with" the roots of pride, jealousy, envy, etc etc. To the point that I literally am nauseated with myself. Wow. I mean, I'm literally disgusted with my thoughts and where I can see them coming from. God... do what I've asked and refine me. Make me a garden where your fruit can grow and become ripe and beautiful and delicious.

Tonight I'm going for a run after work. I'm anxious to pound out some of my frustrations on the pavement...and talk to God about this process... Keep humbling me. Don't let me shorts fall off or anything... but do what you will.

Writings

The two most recent things I wrote come from such different places...

The first one, I wrote while at Gateway House of Prayer...to God.

Overtake Me

Everything goes 80 miles per hour
Everyone runs as if chasen
May my running be toward you
my movement be for you
and all of my heart overtaken

The second one... I had an image from a past experience in my head... and some memories...
Did You Have To?

Oh no, oh no
Say it isn’t so
I can’t bear to watch you go
I can’t stand to hear your feet
Walk away so sad and slow

I had a feeling it’d end this way
I had a hunch you wouldn’t stay
But oh not today… not today.

Oh my, oh my
Not time for goodbye
While reds and pinks flood the sky
While lips and arms still tingle
Did you have to take me so high
To bring me down so low

more love

I want to love better. I am loving but I don't always manifest it. For example... I would tell you that I love everyone... when in fact there are people I don't act loving toward at all. There are people I ignore, laugh at, snub, disdain... what's that all about? My desire in my heart of hearts is to be real and to love authentically. I do realize that I'm not Jesus... His love never fails. Mine will. But I know that it has a lot more potential.

35

Wishing I hadn't waited 35 years to figure it out... and hoping that I keep it up another 35.. or however long I have left to live.

bottomless pit?

Today I feel like I could literally eat a horse. I won't though. :)

reminded again

This morning I had breakfast with my friend Laura. It was great to start my Monday a little late, enjoy some delicious coffee and fruit/yogurt parfait at Prince ST Cafe... but most importantly to sit and talk with Laura.

Laura spent a year in Haiti teaching at the YWAM base in St. Marc. When I shared about God stirring some things in my heart with her about missions (specifically to Haiti) several weeks ago, she was quick to say... we need to sit down and talk. I want to hear all about what God is doing. Laura is so good at encouraging and listening and asking questions. We realized we have some more personality traits in common than we realized as we talked about sometimes getting bogged down by the details (for example I still need to get my passport)... which is step 1. lol.

But it was so good. I made the decision not to look at my watch/phone for the time even though I knew I didn't want to be too late for work... so we were there over an hour and it was good. (I think getting into a culture where you spend less time caring about time would be good for me)

I was reminded to remember what God started stirring in me. To keep it before Him and ask questions. To be open in my spirit to whatever comes next, and to take some time to sit and chat over coffee and forget about the rest of the world and it's pull every once in a while.

Reminded

Last night I went to the Awake Tonight Tour concert. It was the first time in a while I have been to one of "our" concerts. I used to always go... but haven't so much as of late. I think it was really good and important for me to be there. I was reminded to appreciate what I am a part of here at CMI and WJTL.

The concert was so good. All 3 bands were quailty. The stage performances were impressive and high energy... and the message was present. Jesus did not get forgotten amidst all the crazy flames, lights, video and various stage changes. The message was loud and clear.

It's an interesting balance when you work behind the scenes not to forget to appreciate what we are actually doing out there! I don't think it's a bad thing that I don't get out to everything as much as I used to... I've learned the balance of having a life and friends outside of work. :) But, I do think it's key to get out and see what we're doing to remember there are thousands of faces behind the mailings, emails, phone calls, etc. etc. etc.

Yesterday

... could easily have become a bust... My legs were sore from the previous days work out, I felt guilty for eating crap at lunch, I didn't feel super productive at work, had to pay a parking ticket of $45, had to eat humble pie in dropping off my rent check late (and gave it to the babysitter), I hit a curb and busted my tire and had to buy a new one.... uuuuugh.

I also got some news about a friends health that was not really encouraging...

HOWEVER... it was a gorgeous sunny day. My friend Chris who I might as well call my big brother (even though we are not related, and he is younger than me)... helped me change my tire to a spare. This was no easy feat considering how tight and rusty the bolts were!

Oh... and I had the best run of my life... I'm on the 1st Run of Week 5 in my 9 week program... This one was (3) 5 minute intervals of running and I felt great... next run is (2) 8 minutes and the third will be a 20 minute run! Woo Hoo. I felt so alive and happy out there.

Then, at Gateway House of Prayer last night I heard God clearly speaking to my heart, reminding me I am never outside of His Love. Reminding me that my friends are never outside of His love. The suffering in Haiti and all over the world are never outside of His Love.

So, yesterday was trying and frustrating, but also a really really amazing day.