A Bad Dream

I've been having some stress related dreams lately... and not getting the best nights of sleep.

Last night I had 2 nightmare-ish dreams. One between midnight and 3:00 am, the other after 4:00 am. The first one I can't remember very well. The second one is very vivid.

I was parking my car on my block in the city. A car pulled up trying to park and I noticed that the space in front of me wasn't big enough so I backed up and motioned for them to come in. Then 3 guys jumped out of their car and into mine... basically attacking me. The one sat on top of me. Somehow I was in the passenger seat... dreams are weird. Anyway, they were being really mean and awful and the one guy said he has had to listen to me and my friends laughter outside of his apartment for too long and he's not going to take it anymore. The next thing I remember was being out of the car on the street and somehow either pushing or punching the one guy so hard he smashed his head on the sidewalk... and died. I don't know what happened to the other guys and don't remember much of the rest of the dream.

When I woke up this morning, the first thought that came to me was I am not going to let anybody steal my joy.

If I could fly

I posted a question on my facebook last night asking "if you had a plane and access to go anywhere where would you go and what would be your motivation?". This came from my thoughts yesterday about wanting to be in so many places.

I wanted to be home in VT with my family.

I wanted to be in North Carolina with my friend Karen.

I wanted to be in Ethiopia visiting Senait, visiting my friend Yoseph and encouraging some of the Compassion staff there. Learning more about the beautiful people and culture.

My motivation: seeing people I love

When I have the chance for vacation, I almost always go home to VT... even though there are places within a half days drive from here like Washington DC that I haven't been yet and really do want to tour ... I am so much more motivated to be with the people I love that it's not even really an option. While I'm home, I don't do much besides spend time with my family and key friends.

There are places in the world that I want to go and see like Ireland, Australia, Kenya, etc... but I know I'd be inclined to go back to Ethiopia first ... because my heart is already there with the people.

I'm going to Haiti in October. I've been motivated to go there since before the earthquake... I wanted to go visit/help my friends who live there. Then after the earthquake felt a longing to go and knew there was so much to be done and I am a willing candidate. I know, too, that once I go my motivation will go past my friends and their family into others that I meet. I'm quite sure I'll leave some of my heart there, too and find many more people to love.

As much as my motivation to go places is based on love and people... I need to also be motivated by obedience to God. Which, really, obedience goes hand in hand with love ... and will help me not to miss loving more amazing people across the street or across the globe.

Unity

I got the quote below from our recent prayer focus at Gateway. We were praying for unity in the regional church.

"we are better together and in agreement instead of individual and divided"

Unity: it's needed in teams, our bodies, with dance partners, the church... This is true in so many areas of life. I can't run or dance without my foot in agreement with my body, I can't do my job without my team, and for Christians we don't represent our God well when "the body" is fractured.

For unity to work we have to be going in the same direction. I want to be united with those going in the direction that is pointed toward Love.

Eyes Open/Eyes Shut

I'm sitting in the wifi hot spot here at Sandy Cove while the couples are in their session. I'm helping with worship at a Couple's retreat. I love it because I get the perfect mix of being involved in the worship services and having my own free time. Plus I'm here with Aaron and Sherri and get to spend some time with Stephen and Beth, too.

I got up early enough this morning to catch a picture of the view from my room of "the cove" out here... a beautiful icy sunrise. Right now I'm sitting in front of a wall of windows and looking out on the dock, and can see the line where the ice turns into open water. Just gorgeous. I was thinking about how I'm glad my eyes were open early enough today to catch the sunrise ... and that they are open now; even as I'm typing not even looking at my computer screen.

I love being on worship teams. I have a passion for music and singing. I believe that God is worthy of every ounce of glory, honor and praise we can give and when we raise our voices together I think He finds pleasure in it. When I'm singing, I close my eyes. When I worship, I see better with my eyes shut. I'm just sitting here thinking about what it means to see... the beautiful scenery is appealing to the eyes, but I think it takes more than just eyes to appreciate it. I know that although I can't literally see God when I sing to Him, by closing my eyes and focusing my heart I somehow CAN see Him better.

inspired

I'm learning by experience that the more time I spend reading The Bible and in God's presence ... the more creative I am in my writing and singing.

Yup. No surprise that the creator of the universe inspires me to be more creative. Sometimes I just need to be reminded.

Fire in the Neighborhood

There was a major fire in the arts district at local landmark and vintage store, Zap and Co last night. The store is just 2 blocks from my house and was such a treasure. I'm concerned for Rachel's Creperie that neighbored Zap and Co... hopefully they can recover quickly from any smoke and water damage. And, of course, I'm thinking of those in homes and apartments that were affected.

It definitely was too close for comfort, for sure. I walked down twice last night to see and it was surreal to see my neighborhood looking like that. I took a couple of pictures with my phone... I'm thankful for the people who were out there serving the community on the fire, rescue, police and other logistical crew.

Life is short... what a reminder. Yesterday I was thinking about how time flies ... this brings it to an even more serious perspective.

Last night I was looking through a recent journal. It was full of creative doodles, sermon notes scribbled excitedly, my own lyrics and poetry... some of it was actually quite good. Most of it was written during times of prayer or reflection with God. I realized I haven't created on that level in quite some time.

Our church has set aside the first few weeks of the year to devote to God. Last week was the time I chose to do some fasting, praying, be more intentional about getting deeper into scripture. It was quite a week. I had some very obvious struggles on day 1... major car issues, family health issues, etc. As the week went on, I saw the struggles become less obvious externally but more difficult internally... issues of pride, recognizing how I have not been nourishing my soul well, etc. God is so good to show me these things. As the week went on I saw blessings and very obvious answers to prayer. I was also waking up in the middle of the night with songs in my heart ... and they were staying there. It was great. That was just last week. Yesterday I almost wanted to start fasting again, just to get my heart back in such a focused state.

Honestly, it doesn't take long for me to get distracted. I didn't make any resolutions going into 2011, but my sincere desire is to be healthy and consistent. To be filling my soul, body and mind with good things so that I am in that place where songs and creativity is pouring out of me on a regular basis. I am happy that in a lot of ways I have maintained a certain level of health, but I'm ready for more growth and more fruit in my life.

AHA

So, I'm here helping lead worship at Sandy Cove this weekend. What a great time... at first the fact that I am here as a single in a place filled with couples was a little awkward. The first night's topic was "Holy Sex" so needless to say I've had plenty of time to do my own thing while the couples get some great teaching and motivating. :) (though I've learned a few things for future, too)

Yesterday morning I had some quiet time and headed back to Romans 12. I'd been focusing on the verses about love recently, but my attention went back to the first couple of verses. It was perfect timing . (see previous post).

Romans 12:1-2 " Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

It's my job to take the time to offer my life to Him (body, mind and soul) in order for Him to renew my mind. From there, He is going to help me with figuring out His will, His timing, and THAT will be balanced.

Lord Grant Me Balance

I have two different blog thoughts on the same topic... one that kept me up half the night last night and one that had me in tears today at my desk.

Today I posted a fun/cute little Muppets video on facebook ... because it's fun and cute and the song was in my head. Moments later I looked at pictures from Haiti and was weeping. I then felt like pulling down my cutesy little video post. I know, I know... but that's how I felt. I'm having a lot of trouble with the "rejoicing with those who rejoice and mourning with those who mourn" thing. I'm also having trouble quieting myself to know what God strategically wants me to do NOW. I think there is a real actual plan in motion for next Fall... but what now?

Then I saw these Lyrics:

Matthew West - My Own Little World (2010 Video & Lyrics)


Other thoughts... last night I was thinking about how I can be so drastic with my time investments. I'm either spread so thin I can't breathe or I am all in with either Dancing, Running, Church stuff, House of Prayer, Social stuff (often lunch/dinners out), Running, etc... but not balanced. I had backed out of time commitments at the House of Prayer to have some non-scheduled space in my life... but immediately filled it with tons of social stuff. The same with dancing and exercise... so I find myself in this place of constantly trying to evaluate what is important. Right now the pendulum has swung too far away from my time investment into physical activity and I KNOW that needs to be in my priorities... but When I put them in a list I think it should go:

God
Relationships
Health

But then I think... they are all wrapped up together... so now what.


Then I go back again to wanting to drop it all and pick up and go do something to help people who have real needs beyond too hectic of a social calendar.

Lord, give me balance.

Matthew West - My Own Little World (2010 Video & Lyrics)

The Power of Two

I spend my Saturday mornings at Gateway House of Prayer. I had taken several weeks off ... had been off since my hospital stay earlier this summer until a few weeks ago. (I felt strongly that I needed to find some space on my schedule to not "be" anywhere in particular).

Today I was at Gateway for 4 hours because I was there for my normal 2 hour time block and then stood in for a friend. I have to admit leaving home this morning I wondered how I was going to do with 4 hours pretty much alone with God and my thoughts in an empty room. Though there are several times a week that there are worship teams and other people in the room ... usually Saturday mornings there are only a couple of us at most... many times I'm there alone or singing while my friend plays keyboard.

As expected, I got some CDs set up and headed straight for the wall map with my Bible and journal and began to pray. I knelt down and prayed and wept, was thankful and was pleading... tears, snot and all. After a while... I heard someone come in the room and come over to me. This guy asked if he could join me to agree together in prayer. I said of course and he asked me if I could verbalize what I was praying about ... so I told him I was praying for the nations, especially Ethiopia and Haiti because my heart has been broken for these countries. He admitted that his heart was inclined to pray for families this morning but that he'd follow my lead for a while then take a turn to lead the direction of our prayers. It was awesome. Praying out loud with Joe enabled me to verbalize and express more to God and also to convey what was on my heart to another human being. It was awesome to hear him pray with intensity and catch some passion to pray for Haiti and Ethiopia too. We prayed together at least an hour and a half. When he left, both of our hearts were expanded and we were energized. Not that this was anywhere near the first time for this for me... but this was a morning that I really saw how God used praying together to move us beyond our own agendas and open our eyes to other needs. It also helped fuel my prayers and time with God for the next couple of hours.

Matthew 18: 18-20 “I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”

Changing

So I decided that my blog name was ridiculous... so I changed it... from closer to fine to more than fine. It seems slightly more appropriate. I'm so much more than fine. Let's be honest. I'm blessed. Ridiculously and amazingly blessed... come what may.

I just got done google mapping and zooming in on Addis Ababa. I then went and looked at pics that my friends posted from their trip to pick up their beautiful adopted daughter in Ethiopia. I guess I wanted to see some familiar sights that weren't my own pictures. I then re-watched a video from my trip. Tonight I'm going to an Ethiopian restaurant.

My feelings right now are mixed. I saw the need and poverty side of the country. I also saw so much beauty, love, culture, green rolling hills, etc etc. A lot that I hadn't expected to see and connect with. I remember the varied smells of incense, bonfire, charcoal, exhaust, and other smells, sometimes yucky but mostly amazing. I remember that the traffic "patterns" seemed crazy and I couldn't imagine how anyone drove there. I remember being a little nervous every time I entered a different restroom not knowing what I'd find. I remember big brown eyes, high cheek bones, hugs and kisses... people being everywhere, it seemed. I remember feeling very safe because of the leaders of our team both from in and out of country. I remember loving every food I tried... though i admit I didn't try raw beef and probably won't.

I will continue to focus my attention on what Compassion is doing and with more fervor. I'm so so so excited about the opportunities they are giving to the people all over the world...especially my little friend Senait. I'm also taking some time now to think more about how I have been impacted personally by my trip. Now that my responsibility from the work angle is pretty much finished... I have a lot of thoughts to sift through. I still tear up at random times and look forward to opportunities to chat with others who have been or are going to Ethiopia. Confession: I applied for frequent flier miles on Ethiopian Airlines ... just in case. I also look at the people in my own city differently and wonder to myself where home was for them before living here.

I'm looking at the map differently now, too... having never been really anywhere before... the shapes mean something different now. There is a huge map of the world covering a wall at Gateway House of Prayer and I have headed straight for it the last few times I've been there to pray, focusing on Africa, Bangladesh, Haiti, and Albania specifically because of my connections to people there. Some of my prior thinking about giving, need, enough, aid, love, politics, grace, and more is being challenged in good ways.

Now I'm thinking about what's next... both in a day by day way and long term. We were challenged the other week at church to ask God for what we want... Not in the material way... but in the who do I want to be, what do I want to be defined by way. I thought in the direction of love. I want to love with all that I am in whatever way that means. I have a lot of learning and changing to do but I think there are a lot of exciting ways to walk this out. More to come....

Ethiopia Adventures

I have been doing most of my blogging at my "work blog" but do plan to do some deeper thinking blogging here, too. For now, please visit this blog for pictures, stories, and more.

Adventure #1

So here I sit at my gate... in Harrisburg, PA... and I've already had an adventure. When I went through security, first of all I forgot to take my laptop out of the case... well then my case was all suspicious. I inherited the bag and it already had a broken handle... so I use the strap to carry, no big deal. Apparently, though... there was a big metal bar in there all dislodged that was part of the support for the handle that broke. It definitely looked suspicious. The guards let me through and tried to pull it off, but agreed that I'd probably have issues the rest of my trip. What to do, what to do? I came to my gate and started fooling with it... possibly making the other passengers wonder what the crap I was doing. So, I walked back over to security to play with it more, hoping for some help. And, yay ... 2 security guys ended up helping me dislodge it... they even opened up the confiscated stuff safe and got some pliers out to help... and it worked.... so the lining of my laptop bag is ripped, but hopefully that will be much less of a suspicious issue than this foot long piece of metal was. :) I think people's prayers are already working... because this would probably have been a much bigger issue later on in the trip. So now I wait to board. I haven't even left PA yet, lol.

Here I Go.

I'm biding my time for the next 54 minutes until Aaron and Sherri pick me up to head to the airport. Today I fly to Africa. Oh. My. Goodness. I'm so excited. I am trusting God to equip me for what I need to do while I'm there. I trust that God will keep me healthy. I trust that He will be with me every step of the way and teach me many things. What an adventure this will be.

This cycle suspicious

Can pain be nutritious?

Life is better felt

Faced and dealt with

not hidden in illusions

mirages

Or masks

Agony Bests Apathy

I’m not gonna lie

And try to tell you

It will only be uphill from here

But this journey, this life

Will end with a friend

Revealing life’s

worth every fear

Reminder of What's Coming!

I have an itchy welt on my left arm reminding me that I'm traveling to a foreign land in a couple of weeks. I got my yellow fever vaccination and my malaria meds... wee. I couldn't believe all the vaccination possibilities there are. Wow. Glad I'm not very fearful otherwise I could have thrown down a ton of cash on all the suggested shots.

It weirds me out a little/makes me sad/confuses me that I have all these vaccines available to me while so many in the world do not. One shot and a few pills and I should be good to go for the most part.

So whew... exciting. I have to admit as each thing has gotten checked off the list I have breathed a sigh of relief. Sometimes when something this amazing comes we (well at least I) can have the tendency to wait for the bottom to drop out of it... not always... I'm pretty optimistic, but still. Fear of disappointment pops up now and again. Getting my Dr's consent signature out of the way was the biggie. YES!!! Take that digestive issues and weird thyroid ... you don't run the show. Seriously, though... so thankful that as God has put a desire in my heart to go and see and learn and impact the world that He is making a way.

Run ragged by the self of me
that doesn’t want to miss a thing
Or a beat
Or get beaten for that matter
By whom or what I don’t know
I’m not competitive really
More contemplative, to be honest
Just don’t want to be the one who isn’t
Or didn’t
Or missed it
Or wasn’t.

I was thinking about my "bag of bills" and other random paperwork that I really need to go through. I've been carrying it around every day, but not doing anything with it... and combined with other thoughts this came out...

************

I know you have regrets that you don’t like to speak of

Worries you can’t quite voice

There’s a weight on your back like a 2x4

You wear it like you have no choice

You don't have to carry them around all the time

Like the bills you just can’t pay

Glancing at the debt every once in a while

Hoping they'll all go away

Like wearing a sling when your arms not broke

Like a bandage without the blood

The burden of the lies you’ve told yourself

Is a blister where no shoe has rubbed

Always -

Last night we had rehearsal with our worship team and it was a really powerful night for me (even after the technical difficulties)... I needed it. I was still thinking about some lyrics to the song "You Won't Relent" when I got home and wrote something...

Many waters
many floods
cannot quench
what always was
ever is
still shall be
an "us" to span eternity

Not one person
No other friend
provides a love
that never ends
never started
always was
Forever with me
Always us.