Signals

Is it the nose that itches or the eye that twitches
I get confused between the two
Is it you that is thinking of someone
or they who are thinking of you

When my palms get sweaty should I get ready
For good things to come my way
Is the anticipation part of the equation
Allowing the good thing to stay?

The energy, tension, the change of direction
The guessing, the wondering the doubt
The process of knowing, and learning and growing
While trying to reason this out.

Worlds colliding
Intersecting
Ribboned memories
Projecting
Thoughts from your minds movie
Scenes from seas to city streets

You who were
Is someone else
He who was
Is not the same

Life’s like a revolving door
You can’t go back the way you came

Time is breaking
Hearts escaping
Moments, Memories
In the making
Thoughts from your minds movie
Scenes from home to yonder town

What was once important
Is now a fleeting thought
Yesterday’s a day behind
Today is now, tomorrow’s not.

"Getting My Crap Together"

I'm fairly careful with my language ... well, for the most part. I realized this weekend how often I use the word "crap". It became sort of a joke; but I thought... hm, there are far better words I could be using. More descriptive. Funnier. Less that refer to bodily functions. Crap...I don't want to be a potty mouth.

A Song?

Loving You (I picture this being a song building with intensity)

If I could be in charge of just one thing
And it was up to me to choose
My choice would be to love you
To love you. To love you.

If I had one purpose one sure duty
Just one thing for me to do
I’d live my life to love you
Just Love you. Just love you.

I was made for this
I was made for this
I was made for this
I was made for this

I want to be found perfecting What it’s like to give myself to you
I will drop what I am doing just to give to give to give to you.

Perfect this love
Perfect this kiss
This is my purpose
This is my wish.

I was made for this
I was made for this
I was made for this

Flip Flops and Heels... Or... I'm Too Sexy for These Shoes

Yes. I’m writing a blog about shoes… well sort of.

I was thinking about shoes. I LOVE my flip - flops and sandals… I live in them over the summer and probably inappropriately during the other seasons of the year. I like that they are easy. They are comfortable. Don’t require much thought. Easy to take off and put on. Are always there when I want them (usually by my bed or my door). I don’t mind if they get a little dirty/messed up because they are cool with that. They are wonderful.

What about heels? Ok, I am not super dressy, but this girl likes a sexy pair of heels with the right little dress. J They are usually treated with extra care. Exciting. Noticed. Mostly worn with a planned out outfit. I like them. Guys do too. (I think I’ve heard they were designed by men because of how they make women’s legs look. It’s true, they do make our legs look extra great.)

I’ve tried to classify myself… am I a flip-flop or a high heel? You know what? I’m not picking! What’s wonderful about being a woman? You can wear both. You can own both… You can BE both a flip - flop and a strappy heel. You can wear a skirt with flip - flops or a pair of jeans with stilletos. Whichever I wear… I’m just gonna rock em… or just kick them off and have happy, sexy, naked feet.

Event Relationships

One of the things about music festivals that I most look forward to is seeing those people that are like family that I get to do these events with. I was thinking about it last night... it is wonderful and yet terrible. There are people that I look forward to seeing all year and then only get to have maybe one (possibly) decent conversation and then a bunch of quick hello's as we bump into each other on our way to our next task. There's still comradery just in that; but for me it's hard. I also have acquired some sort of festival A.D.D. where I can't stay in one place or have one conversation for very long before I have to DO something... so it's just nuts. Even if I'm sequestered in an office for the most part of the festival... I still feel antsy and have trouble concentrating on conversations.

I wonder what to do with that? Facebook is good for keeping tabs on each other, but yeah... I'd love to be able to keep in GOOD touch with everyone. Unfortunately I realize it's just not realistic. Heck, my brother commented the other day on how long it has taken to find a free night to have dinner together...

So, it's a good problem... having the opportunity to meet and get to know so many amazing people... just hard to know how to properly invest into everyone. Plus I'm not much of a small talker... I'd rather TALK then just talk... know what I mean?

Pleasure?

I've heard myself use the words "guilty pleasure" a lot lately... in reference to a song, movie, reality show, drink... or some such... whatever. AKA... soft serve ice cream cones from McDonalds... 1.05 with tax, low in calorie... mmm... guilty pleasure.

But I don't really find much pleasure in guilt (nor do I want to)... and don't usually ACTUALLY feel guilty. Soooo maybe I need to come up with some other phrases for those things like:

• I feel sheepish that I "X"
  
• I know I'm ridiculous but I ...
  
• I admit it... I know all the lyrics to
• I shamelessly...
  
• I like to "X". Guilty as charged... (is using guilty in this way the same, hm?)
  

Or...uh, over analyze much? Perhaps.

Noticing

I have this one neighbor ... huge family that we (my roommate and I) have lovingly dubbed the Russian mafia just because of all the people coming and goingsin their house... and they are Russian.

The man of the house is usually outside smoking, puttering around and watching the goings on of the neighborhood. Very nice... has helped me shovel out before, etc. The other day I was coming home from somewhere and he communicated to me (he doesn't speak much english) that he had noticed I was sick... but that I look better... and had a concerned look on his face...kind of miming that I was weakly stumbling around and then kind of showed he was glad I was better. wow. I was touched... Today as I was rushing out the door to my car, I was thinking about that and hoping if the shoe was on the other foot that I would have taken the time to notice and to say something, too.

in other amazing news

I will be using my passport in September.

never alone

Life has been insane lately... I think most of the people that read this blog know that I've had some crazy health stuff going on that threw me for a loop the last few weeks... so I won't re-hash it all right now... we're all probably tired of those details. I know I am.

However, I do not tire of saying how freaking, amazing, wonderful and a plethora of other adjectives and adverbs my friends and family are. I am surrounded by love. I know that it all flows through my God... and through the people that are in my life. As alone as I felt when I was sick and confused at why... as much as I cried out "God, what am I supposed to do?"...I also had that inner knowing that I was cared for and carried.

I like this pic of the person being carried away by balloons...it also reminds me of "UP" which I watched with my brother in the hospital... and I will never forget that, for many reasons. Including the huge super cool card he made me and the way he has been so so good to his big sister.

consolation

According to the Mary Kay lady, I have droopy eyes. Consolation: the nice way of saying that is "Bedroom Eyes".

I feel a little like this today

Doing New Things

Life has been a whirlwind lately... I do a pretty decent job of keeping my calendar full just about to the point of ridiculousness with all the stuff on it... but I do have to say I'm excited about the way life has been lately... I've gotten to do a lot of new things... like backpacking/biking camping, learning some home improvement stuff while helping Chris and Melody with the new house... and tomorrow is my first 5 mile race. What am I thinking... aaaah. A little nervous, but have made it my motto lately not to say I can't do anything.

I'm also wondering about some of the new things I'm doing... gee couldn't being able to rough it, knowing how to do some basic construction, and getting into shape be beneficial for me when I take that missions trip I'm GOING to take. Not sure what to do next with that whole scenario. I feel like I've put it out there to one of the key people that I wanted to, so now I need to figure out what's next, and wait, and pray... we shall see.

Why do I ignore my anchor
Floating round my destiny
Acting like I’m compassless
Equipped yet lost at sea

I threw my anchor deep today
It found the rocky ground
My support is sure and strong
I won’t be tossed around

Tension and Counter Balance

Last night I was at York Swing Dance Club’s monthly blues lesson/clinic. Blues dancing, like most dance, relies heavily on connection and chemistry. To even begin to get there, tension and counter balance are key. I’ve been taking lessons for a little while in this specific dance and some of the areas I struggle with are being patient (not assuming I know where the lead is trying to take me), keeping the tension (keeping my hold firm and “sitting into” the position), and reading the leads tension to give back the same counterbalance. The stretch/tension is actually the best part but sometimes we/I want to rush past it to find the next part of the move…

As I was laying in bed falling asleep last night; I started thinking about how much these lessons can be taken into other aspects of life and how I struggle with similar things there, too. Just like in dance, there’s always more to learn in order to really fully experience every beat of life.

Conflict and Direction

I just returned from "An Evening with Donald Miller". It was a totally different "lecture" than the last time I saw him. The last time was more story telling/fireside chat...This one was more academic... being held at Messiah, he catered in that student/teacher/scholarly direction. Very thought provoking... but again touching on the issues of our lives as stories with conflict. That being a Christian doesn't remove the conflict from the story. That God doesn't "control" us on purpose because love is not controlling. He Shepherds us, but doesn't desire to control us...per se. He gives us our lives with a big piece of burlap paper to color on... Our lives are all about relationship with him. Many many many good and challenging things.

I'm left thinking about my story again. i'm excited that I'm out living it. I'm excited that God gives us all these amazing things to do with Him and yes, sometimes He very clearly lets us know that we should turn left... and sometimes He hands us a map and says, where do you long to go? What do you long to do? I want to go with you.

Running and Finishing

I finished my first 5K race on Saturday... the YWCA Race Against Racism. It was awesome... the massive crowd of runners, the nervous excitement before the race, running with my friend Tandy and my sister in law and friend Sherri, seeing so many friends out on race day, the overwhelming support of my brother and friends, but of course... finishing was the best part. 35:45 was my time. I was happy with that. My first 5K race and I had only ever run that distance one other time... so it was a big deal. I have another one this coming Saturday and plan to keep running consistently and training to run 5 miles as my next goal and also to cut time off my 5K. I will keep running.

Misty Edwards has a song "I Will Run". Some of the lyrics are " I will run the race set before me. I will seek Your face As the prize of my life. All I want is You
All I crave is You. My – soul – pants - for - God - and - God - alone". I actually was thinking of this while I was running... when I felt like quitting... not this specific song, but that I am running this race that I cannot and will not quit on. This faith walk with God. With Him as the prize in the end and also Him as my biggest cheer leader! All I want is You or the things that flow from you.

Opening the Door

I FINALLY went to the Perfunctory Court office (like using that word) and registered for my passport. There's something about having that step done... I have no details worked out yet for travel, yet I feel like finally making this move is a huge step forward to me...like cracking open the door to missions. The money involved in a passport isn't much for most people, but for me it is.

So now I need to start gathering details... I have friends in mind to talk to. I didn't want to talk to certain missionary friends of mine before I was truly serious. I don't want to be "that person" who says yeah, it would be great to go and then never does. I'm sure they hear that all the time. So now what? Well pray...of course... that's a given and a constant. But what practical things do I need to do to start a plan? I can get bogged down with the unknown of details... or even the known... which is why I can sometimes have money in the bank and not pay a bill on time... or was going to get a tax refund but waited until the last minute to file... Weird, eh.

So anyway... a step, an action, a move has been made... now getting over the threshold.

Shutters

Shutters

Open close open close
Doors like shutters flutter

What was yes becomes a no
What once was no is wait
Just wait
For now

Open close open close
Hearts like doors are hinged

What I hope and what I dream
What I first claimed as mine
Is mine
No more

Open shut open shut
Eyes like windows close

What I see is only part
What’s truly meant to be
Will be
In time.

Doors

So, remember yesterday... you know that whole new mercies thing. Totally true. :) Where one door closes, one opens...

In fact, my one friend (that I apologize to for my attitude) responded to my apology and said "i don't say this to be trite, but i do believe that your time is coming. a time where the Lord will open up doors that you've wanted opened for a long time - and doors that you forgot you wanted opened :)"

So here has been my last 24 hours...

My run last night was literally a God send. JUST what THE Dr ordered. I spent a little time practically vomiting all over God and then just shut up and that was the best part. Not only did I literally pound out the junk with God on the sidewalk, I finally managed to run an entire 5K. Woo hoo.

Worship at Gateway House of Prayer last night... musically nothing spectacular on my end... in fact I made some mistakes... but was FULL of joy... and purpose. Jimmy spoke on creating a Highway for God and I am all over it. I need to go back and listen to the message again because it really spoke to my heart. I am available. I want to advance the Kingdom.

Today... new attitude. Happy. Laughing. Feeling purposeful. 2 significant possible opportunities popped up from out of nowhere to do things that I love and things that God has been asking me to do. It was like God said listen ... let me open and close the doors.