Thursday, March 31, 2005


I don't feel so good. Stupid tummy.

I was challenged at this phorum I went to to list my essential albums. Man that's tough. I'm sure tomorrow, I'll get some kind of comment back saying my list is way too long and I don't know the meaning of the term essential...however, although my list is long it is still a cross section of the faves in my cd collection which is quite large due to having worked in a music story, radio, and buying way too many cd's. Let em say what they will.

As I listed my essentials, I noticed there are a lot of CDs out there that I know are essential, but I don't have them yet. I don't own a single Beatles, Police, Pink Floyd or Radiohead. Put down your stones, now, please.

Here's MY list...essential to me means you'd have to pry them from my cold lifeless body...o,k. no but it's fun to say. I know I'm missing some important stuff here, and some of you will mock me for some of the variety here.

America's Greatest Hits
Ben Folds Whatever and Ever Amen
Counting Crows August and Everything After, Recovering the Satellites,
The Cure Wish, Disentegration
The Sundays Blind
U2 The Joshua Tree, War, How to Dismantle, Achtung
The Choir Circle Slide
Sting Fields of Gold
Pearl Jam Ten
Peter Gabriel Secret World Live
GEorge Winston December
Van Morrison Moondance
Denison Witmer Safe Away
Everything But the Girl Amplified Heart
Indigo Girls Rites of Passage
Garden State Soundtrack
Jars Jars of Clay, 11th Hour
John Mayer Heavier Things
Justin McRoberts Father
Keane Hopes and Fears
Switchfoot Learning to Breathe
Violet Burning Strength
Seventy Sevens Sticks and Stones
March Cohn Self titled
Oasis What's the Story Morning Glory
OTR Good Dog Bad Dog, Drunkards Prayer, Til We have faces patience,
Out of the Grey self titled
Very best of Otis Redding
Phish Rift
sade love deluxe
sarah mclaughlin fumbling toward esctasy
Stryper to hell with the devil
michael jackson thriller
Ron sexsmith retriever
Queen Live KIllers
Rushmore soundtrack
10,000 maniacs Our Time in Eden
They Might be giants flood
Rich Mullins A Liturgy a legacy and a ragamuffin band
Simon and Garfunkel greatest hits
rainchildren somewhere middle
Vigilantes of Love self titled,

Monday, March 28, 2005

Wireless Relationship

I had a conversation with a friend of mine about blogging the other day. He doesn't quite get it, which is understandable. Not everything is for everyone. I've been thinking about it a lot. Perhaps that's why it's been a couple of days since I've blogged. I realize that there probably should be a certain degree of guardedness. Although, I'm not guarded ever, so I guess why start here, eh? I am pretty consistent about putting it all out there in general... except perhaps to boys that I think are swelll, then I hold my cards a little closer...or I just become their buddy because that's safer.

I've been doing the whole "My Space" thing and started to get requests for friends. Some, I know right off the bat I couldn't accept because all their current friends are scantily clad chics and the guys description was lacking in any substance...danger danger danger... But then, what about the genuine requests from nice strangers to be friends? This was one of the things that my aforementioned friend and I were talking about. How blogging and these kind of places could become dangerous for folks who might read into the attention they get from strangers who respond to their blog or profile. Then again, you can read into attention from a person who smiles at you on the street, responds to an email, stars in a movie you like, etc.

Hm. Things are so different these days, aren't they. My parents tell me stories of their days going to the local jukebox joint, picking out a partner across the room and dancing with them. Now, you could know about all of a persons likes/dislikes/dreams and fears without even meeting them. Which is better? I can see pros and cons for each.

To me, these electronic outlets are mostly opportunities for creative expression, forums to share my thoughts and my day with friends who I may not see very often, and yes perhaps in hopes of chance meetings with new friends...platonic or not. I've already made one new friend this way.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Good Good Friday

So far, today had been an exquisite day. A lot of times on days off I end up just laying around, but today I got out, walked around downtown, went to Square One to write some letters and warm up with some coffee, met a friend for lunch and ran some errands. Tonight there is an exibition of art, fashion and indie music that I am excited about going to downtown. I also, might make a few stops around with a couple of friends. Yay for not laying around.

I must be honest, today may have passed without any reflection if I hadn't visitied my friend ''xaviernougat"s blog. Thanks for your openness, my friend. You have benefited me today.

It's Good Friday. I remember growing up at The First Congregational Church (before going to an A.G. church) and attending an eccumenical stations of the cross walk. The various pastors took turns walking carrying the cross. It moved me then in a different way than it would now. Then, as a child, I just thought about how heavy the cross was to carry. I thought about how sad Mary was to see Jesus have to walk so far carrying the cross. Of course, I now realize that he was carrying so much more than the wooden beam and in pain far more deep than any of the lashes to His body.

On Easter Sunday it seemed like it was always sunny. I remember being excited about getting to carry a flower up and putting it in the wire cross on the pulpit. I remember Clem Allinder, an amazing, strong, warm pillar of a woman smiling at us and helping us decorate the cross. Man, I miss that lady. I remember egg hunts with my cousins at Meme and Pepe Gagne's house with my pastel basket and Easter dress with tights inevitably falling down at some point and being a real nuisance. I remember feeling warm and loved and knowing that Jesus died and came back to life. Now, I know that not only is He alive, I am alive in a way that would never have been possible. I have hope that is miraculous. I've got to be be an example of hope to others more often.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Posting Stuff

It's hard to be totally honest on profile sections of blogs, my space, quiz thingy's etc. etc. I just edited my profile HERE and it was tough to be totally honest. I think in the end I was as much as I could be. I am way to worried about what others think of me.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Going a Little Deeper

I wrote in My Other Blog about some great things that have happened this weekend. I want to Spring-board off that a little here. I feel like I really had a realization at church today. It was a DUH lightbulb moment. I HAVE NOT BEEN PRAYING. Besides the quick mumblings and prayers for others...I have not invested any of myself into my most valuable relationship in a long while. If I were God, I would be calling me a bitch right about now. After everything with my surgeries and how wonderful I feel physically compared to back in November when I was writhing in pain at times!!! I might as well be the friend who uses someone to get into a party and then goes off and hangs out with the cool you see in some of those teen movies. It's like I've used Him.

I've been depressed. Blah, Blah, Blah. I mentioned the scratching and clawing a couple of entries ago. That's not completely true. I've been lazy. I've allowed myself to emotionally shut down constantly rather than dig in and get to the bottom of stuff. I've invested time into entertaining myself, appeasing myself and satisfying myself, most of which is o.k...but I've been irresponsible and neglected a lot of things at the same time. (This doesn't mean I'm not going to watch The Incredibles this just means I need to find balance).

I hope for today to be a turning point. Last night at the banquet I was at, I actually felt pretty confident. I was excited for Karen, so that gave me extra joy. I had on a new outfit and heels and makeup and my new hair-do and felt really happy about how I looked...even after spending a lot of time finding something that fit in the stores. Of course this is all temporary high stuff.

Today in church...I guess it was just one of those moments. I think it was at the end of one of the songs that kept saying "I'm not Dead" or "Gods' Not Dead". Of course I know it...but it hit home. There was prayer time at the altar and I took advantage of it. Nobody tried to make me fall down or manipulate church doesn't do that. It was just good. Then chatting with Valonda...all kinds of lights went I said earlier.

In my years of dealing with the intestinal answers did not come the way some had insinuated they would come ...a warm sensation because so and so Super Christian prayed for me and then the disappearance of the disease, a clap of hands or being thrown onto my back, enough begging and pleading, enough faith...nope...there was pain, there were YEARS of struggle, there were Doctors and there was trust involved. There was learning. Ultimately the healing has been lifelong. Now, with the other things that I'm still dealing with emotionally and physically, I have to trust. I have to remind myself all the time that He has my back, even if it NEVER makes sense to me.

Easter is next Sunday. I want to rejoice because I have been made whole and if I don't see it all...I will in the end.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Happy Times

What do yo do when you feel out of control? I get my hair cut, dyed or otherwise altered. It's a temporary fix, but it's fun and you get to have someone else wash your hair. Always a plus for me.

So, what did you do for St. Patricks Day? I don't always do anything. This year I went out with some friends and had a BLAST. We went to Kalhouns where they had a bagpipe player wandering around. Had drinks and dinner...I cannot reccommend whatever the one drink I had had something raspberry, pineapple juice, Stoli...and it was green. I immediately went back to Lager. Great potato soup. GREAT. After we were done there, we went to see a friends band play at this divey place. It was a bit scary walking in. Lots of regulars staring us down. Once we nestled into our corner, though, we had a great time. There was this one girl dancing in the middle of the floor the entire night that was very distracting. She was in her own world...and it seemed like she thought she was in her bedroom. It made for good conversation and much laughter. It was so bizarre, though. This scrawny girl was walking around with a HUGE green hat on with trays full of shots. I think she had the same tray full all night, and it kind of grossed me out. At the end of the night this guy was walking around with party favors. I received a green garder with a pin attached that reads "Rolling Rock Kiss Me I'm Irish". It was all very surreal and fun.

Last night I started watching my Curb Your Enthusisasm DVDs from Netflix. How GREAT! I had never watched it before and I love it, I love it, I looooove it" Larry David cracks me up. Brings comedy to awkwardness, blurs the line between improv, reality and script. It's just plain clever. It's 3 am and I'm thinking of watching another episode now. Between Jess highly recommending it and Ed's 5 star Netflix rating...thanks for the heads up. I also want to check out The Office and Arrested Development...two other series I haven't seen.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Oh The Places You'll Go

I got the "Down Low" on the secret surprise trip for Elisabeth's birthday. I missed a really great time from the sounds of it. The adventure, the intrigue, the spontaneous singing...the blood stain????? One of the things Elisabeth metioned was the state of the mattress in the hotel they stayed in. It got me thinking about a story...

When I was in Bible college, my friend Leon and his girlfriend (now wife) Kasia came to visit me from VT. I was really excited about it. At the time, Leon and I had briefly discussed being roommates for a period...but that never panned out. Anyway, VFCC had a lot of of which was that you couldn't have a member of the opposite sex stay in your room. This made having male friends visiting from out of town a bit challenging. One of the nights they stayed at my friend Marty's house...but the next night the 3 of us decided to stay somewhere on our own. We wanted freedom. So, we rented this motel room. YIKES. It was scary, but cheap. The room was a bright blue with a ratty latch hook rug on the wall. I have a picture of Leon and Kasia pointing at it with perplexed looks on their faces. It's very funny. The toilet paper in the bathroom was a mostly used roll and the towels were yellowed from smoke (we hope that's what it was from). I remember it being freezing cold in the room. I slept on the floor, it sucked big time.

Another weird hotel room memory was when Karen and I went to Nashville for our friend Val's wedding. What a trip. Usually when we talk about it, the focus is on the ridiculousness of the car issues and how we now can't look at a Kroger's or Firestone with anything but disdain. But the hotel room was another highlight...let me tell you. If you have seen the movie "Identity" ...I think that this hotel, although in a busy area, kind of reminded me of that place. Well, in the middle of the night, we awoke to (or had we fallen asleep yet?) sounds of people out and about on the walkway, feeling the place shake a bit when people ran up and down the stairs, the sounds of what we could only assume was drug deals going on, and more. I'm pretty sure there was some discrpency in the cleanliness of the room, too. From then on, we decided we would find a nice hotel when we traveled together. (After such a crazy time with the car and all the hoopla, we stayed in a Hampton on the drive home)

The moral of the story...when you're may be desperate for a place to lay your head...but make sure you are prepared for all conditions. Maybe a crime scene kit like from one of those detective shows to investigate the room, your own bedding and toiletries, a spare padlock for the door to protect you, or at very least, your own wall hangings.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Clear March Night

Maybe it's the Lager, but the sky looks extra clear to me tonight.

Life goes in cycles, doesnt it?. From the issues we struggle with, the vices we tend toward, the dreams we all seems to come back around. That can be good and bad, depending.

Every time I see a sky like the one I saw tonight, a piece of me longs to sit up on the hill behind my parents house. Light up and spend time with people I love. I wish I could throw everybody I love in a van and head up there. As much as I share my life in my blogs...there is so much that lies in the Green Mountain state that would tell you who I am down deep. A few of you know, because you've been there with me.

I'm in a bit of a slump, folks. I'm scratching and clawing my way out, though. I am anxious to get into that part of the life cycle where I see things improving all around me. It is. I know this for a fact. I can be so damn ungrateful. I'm just focusing too much on the crap right now.

Friday, March 11, 2005

A Night With His Better Half

Tonight was the first time I was in a casual situation with my ex boyfriends new wife without him there. I was going to a party and hadn't even considered it as a possibility until I pulled up to the curb in front of the house and saw her car. Duh, I met this friend through him...why hadn't I thought of this?

I'll admit, I had fleeting thoughts of driving on by and not going in, but I've been getting less awkward with it all, so I didn't.

I'm glad I didn't. After some avoidance tactics, as the night wore on and the Pampered Chef lady finished her spiel (I didn't like the presenter lady, she made fun of me) I think we both dropped our guard. By the end of the evening we had chatted a little and even laughed a little about some of "his" quirks. She's actually a pretty nice person. She has a really sweet daughter. She's not someone I would pick out of a crowd and think, we're going to become buddies. I dont' see us getting together for coffee or anything, but it's nice to know that I can have a conversation with her without averting my eyes or feeling like a total piece of shit because of having been dumped for her. In fact, looking back at it all, if I could erase my relationship with her husband, I would. I wish he would have met/reconnected with her right away when he came to town and to work at our office. Our relationship was a glorified buddy kind of situation that dragged on for a year and a half. I would have been excited for them if I had never been in the picture. I guess it's all part of the life experience.

Advice for the Young at Heart?

Sometimes you just have to grab life by the cahones. I wish I could join the Philly folks on the "surprise on us" party, but alas, I have a full calendar. Who am I kidding, I couldn't have afforded it, anyway.

That's not where I was headed with this...

I have a hard time with the line between being too eager and just living in the moment. I know there's a maturity in being patient. There's that time to wait and see what happens. I'm ok with that in some areas, but unfortunately not all. I can be patient about material things like a new car, clothes, etc With situations and relationships...not so much.

Today I did one of those ballsy things that I'm hoping wasn't a bad move. Not that I have anything to lose, but I don't want to repeat any past mistakes. I didn't declare anything. I just sent a "Hi, how are you" email to someone I met. I'm very confused about the whole guy/girl thing. I'm still learning at age 30 whether it's o.k. to email someone hello when you think they are ... neat.

This Afternoons playlist includes: Saturday Night Fever Soundtrack, Keane, Tears for Fears, The Sundays and Train.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Look at Me, Look at Me

In grade school, I always wanted to be the one to read the paragraph out loud. I wanted everyone to see what a great reader I was and use extra inflection to seem dramatic. (not too easy with social studies)

In high school, I would drive home the long way past this one guys house. Did I want him to come outside and flag me down? I don't know...I think just driving by was thrilling for some reason.

In college I used to walk past the guys dorms hoping someone would come out and invite me to do something cool. I would walk by several times in a row...I probably looked like a stalker.

In church, sometimes I catch myself singing a little louder in hopes that someone will hear me and compliment me on my voice.

And now, with blogging, I want people to read my stories, to acknowledge me and my thoughts and even show interest. It's almost like opening your window up for the "peeping tom" or something, isn't it?

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


Certain things I’m longing for
I’d barter for
I’d squander for
Certain things I’m longing for
My heart can not afford

Often times I dream of them
I live for them
I’d die for them
Often times I dream of them
But know they're out of reach

Arms reaching out, heart splitting open, Tears falling down from my cheek to the floor
Hands clenched in fear, I want to feel. Can’t help but seem that the dream is in vain, yet I dream

Many days I think of you
I dream of you
I talk to you
Many days I think of you
but don't know who you are

Every time I try to speak
no words I speak
I dare not speak
Every time I try to speak
the words won't pass my lips

Arms reaching out heart splitting open Tears falling down from my cheek to the floor
Hands clenched in fear, I want to feel this. Can’t help but seem that the dream is in vain yet I dream

So sick of striving, of dreaming, of dying, of trying to make all my longings come true. My palms are bleeding, I'm holding on so tightly to the end of this rope but what else can I do?

Arms reaching out heart splitting open Tears falling down from my cheek to the floor. Hands clenched in fear, I want to feel this. Can’t help but seem that the dream is in vain yet I dream.

Starting from Scratch

How many times do you get a fresh new start? I get mine every second of every day.

I'm awake and it's 3;23 am. I haven't really got a lot on my mind right now...just that I want today to be good, different and special.

Here's to a fresh start, an empty canvas, a brand new day.