AHA

So, I'm here helping lead worship at Sandy Cove this weekend. What a great time... at first the fact that I am here as a single in a place filled with couples was a little awkward. The first night's topic was "Holy Sex" so needless to say I've had plenty of time to do my own thing while the couples get some great teaching and motivating. :) (though I've learned a few things for future, too)

Yesterday morning I had some quiet time and headed back to Romans 12. I'd been focusing on the verses about love recently, but my attention went back to the first couple of verses. It was perfect timing . (see previous post).

Romans 12:1-2 " Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

It's my job to take the time to offer my life to Him (body, mind and soul) in order for Him to renew my mind. From there, He is going to help me with figuring out His will, His timing, and THAT will be balanced.

Lord Grant Me Balance

I have two different blog thoughts on the same topic... one that kept me up half the night last night and one that had me in tears today at my desk.

Today I posted a fun/cute little Muppets video on facebook ... because it's fun and cute and the song was in my head. Moments later I looked at pictures from Haiti and was weeping. I then felt like pulling down my cutesy little video post. I know, I know... but that's how I felt. I'm having a lot of trouble with the "rejoicing with those who rejoice and mourning with those who mourn" thing. I'm also having trouble quieting myself to know what God strategically wants me to do NOW. I think there is a real actual plan in motion for next Fall... but what now?

Then I saw these Lyrics:

Matthew West - My Own Little World (2010 Video & Lyrics)


Other thoughts... last night I was thinking about how I can be so drastic with my time investments. I'm either spread so thin I can't breathe or I am all in with either Dancing, Running, Church stuff, House of Prayer, Social stuff (often lunch/dinners out), Running, etc... but not balanced. I had backed out of time commitments at the House of Prayer to have some non-scheduled space in my life... but immediately filled it with tons of social stuff. The same with dancing and exercise... so I find myself in this place of constantly trying to evaluate what is important. Right now the pendulum has swung too far away from my time investment into physical activity and I KNOW that needs to be in my priorities... but When I put them in a list I think it should go:

God
Relationships
Health

But then I think... they are all wrapped up together... so now what.


Then I go back again to wanting to drop it all and pick up and go do something to help people who have real needs beyond too hectic of a social calendar.

Lord, give me balance.

Matthew West - My Own Little World (2010 Video & Lyrics)

The Power of Two

I spend my Saturday mornings at Gateway House of Prayer. I had taken several weeks off ... had been off since my hospital stay earlier this summer until a few weeks ago. (I felt strongly that I needed to find some space on my schedule to not "be" anywhere in particular).

Today I was at Gateway for 4 hours because I was there for my normal 2 hour time block and then stood in for a friend. I have to admit leaving home this morning I wondered how I was going to do with 4 hours pretty much alone with God and my thoughts in an empty room. Though there are several times a week that there are worship teams and other people in the room ... usually Saturday mornings there are only a couple of us at most... many times I'm there alone or singing while my friend plays keyboard.

As expected, I got some CDs set up and headed straight for the wall map with my Bible and journal and began to pray. I knelt down and prayed and wept, was thankful and was pleading... tears, snot and all. After a while... I heard someone come in the room and come over to me. This guy asked if he could join me to agree together in prayer. I said of course and he asked me if I could verbalize what I was praying about ... so I told him I was praying for the nations, especially Ethiopia and Haiti because my heart has been broken for these countries. He admitted that his heart was inclined to pray for families this morning but that he'd follow my lead for a while then take a turn to lead the direction of our prayers. It was awesome. Praying out loud with Joe enabled me to verbalize and express more to God and also to convey what was on my heart to another human being. It was awesome to hear him pray with intensity and catch some passion to pray for Haiti and Ethiopia too. We prayed together at least an hour and a half. When he left, both of our hearts were expanded and we were energized. Not that this was anywhere near the first time for this for me... but this was a morning that I really saw how God used praying together to move us beyond our own agendas and open our eyes to other needs. It also helped fuel my prayers and time with God for the next couple of hours.

Matthew 18: 18-20 “I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.”

Changing

So I decided that my blog name was ridiculous... so I changed it... from closer to fine to more than fine. It seems slightly more appropriate. I'm so much more than fine. Let's be honest. I'm blessed. Ridiculously and amazingly blessed... come what may.

I just got done google mapping and zooming in on Addis Ababa. I then went and looked at pics that my friends posted from their trip to pick up their beautiful adopted daughter in Ethiopia. I guess I wanted to see some familiar sights that weren't my own pictures. I then re-watched a video from my trip. Tonight I'm going to an Ethiopian restaurant.

My feelings right now are mixed. I saw the need and poverty side of the country. I also saw so much beauty, love, culture, green rolling hills, etc etc. A lot that I hadn't expected to see and connect with. I remember the varied smells of incense, bonfire, charcoal, exhaust, and other smells, sometimes yucky but mostly amazing. I remember that the traffic "patterns" seemed crazy and I couldn't imagine how anyone drove there. I remember being a little nervous every time I entered a different restroom not knowing what I'd find. I remember big brown eyes, high cheek bones, hugs and kisses... people being everywhere, it seemed. I remember feeling very safe because of the leaders of our team both from in and out of country. I remember loving every food I tried... though i admit I didn't try raw beef and probably won't.

I will continue to focus my attention on what Compassion is doing and with more fervor. I'm so so so excited about the opportunities they are giving to the people all over the world...especially my little friend Senait. I'm also taking some time now to think more about how I have been impacted personally by my trip. Now that my responsibility from the work angle is pretty much finished... I have a lot of thoughts to sift through. I still tear up at random times and look forward to opportunities to chat with others who have been or are going to Ethiopia. Confession: I applied for frequent flier miles on Ethiopian Airlines ... just in case. I also look at the people in my own city differently and wonder to myself where home was for them before living here.

I'm looking at the map differently now, too... having never been really anywhere before... the shapes mean something different now. There is a huge map of the world covering a wall at Gateway House of Prayer and I have headed straight for it the last few times I've been there to pray, focusing on Africa, Bangladesh, Haiti, and Albania specifically because of my connections to people there. Some of my prior thinking about giving, need, enough, aid, love, politics, grace, and more is being challenged in good ways.

Now I'm thinking about what's next... both in a day by day way and long term. We were challenged the other week at church to ask God for what we want... Not in the material way... but in the who do I want to be, what do I want to be defined by way. I thought in the direction of love. I want to love with all that I am in whatever way that means. I have a lot of learning and changing to do but I think there are a lot of exciting ways to walk this out. More to come....

Ethiopia Adventures

I have been doing most of my blogging at my "work blog" but do plan to do some deeper thinking blogging here, too. For now, please visit this blog for pictures, stories, and more.

Adventure #1

So here I sit at my gate... in Harrisburg, PA... and I've already had an adventure. When I went through security, first of all I forgot to take my laptop out of the case... well then my case was all suspicious. I inherited the bag and it already had a broken handle... so I use the strap to carry, no big deal. Apparently, though... there was a big metal bar in there all dislodged that was part of the support for the handle that broke. It definitely looked suspicious. The guards let me through and tried to pull it off, but agreed that I'd probably have issues the rest of my trip. What to do, what to do? I came to my gate and started fooling with it... possibly making the other passengers wonder what the crap I was doing. So, I walked back over to security to play with it more, hoping for some help. And, yay ... 2 security guys ended up helping me dislodge it... they even opened up the confiscated stuff safe and got some pliers out to help... and it worked.... so the lining of my laptop bag is ripped, but hopefully that will be much less of a suspicious issue than this foot long piece of metal was. :) I think people's prayers are already working... because this would probably have been a much bigger issue later on in the trip. So now I wait to board. I haven't even left PA yet, lol.

Here I Go.

I'm biding my time for the next 54 minutes until Aaron and Sherri pick me up to head to the airport. Today I fly to Africa. Oh. My. Goodness. I'm so excited. I am trusting God to equip me for what I need to do while I'm there. I trust that God will keep me healthy. I trust that He will be with me every step of the way and teach me many things. What an adventure this will be.

This cycle suspicious

Can pain be nutritious?

Life is better felt

Faced and dealt with

not hidden in illusions

mirages

Or masks

Agony Bests Apathy

I’m not gonna lie

And try to tell you

It will only be uphill from here

But this journey, this life

Will end with a friend

Revealing life’s

worth every fear

Reminder of What's Coming!

I have an itchy welt on my left arm reminding me that I'm traveling to a foreign land in a couple of weeks. I got my yellow fever vaccination and my malaria meds... wee. I couldn't believe all the vaccination possibilities there are. Wow. Glad I'm not very fearful otherwise I could have thrown down a ton of cash on all the suggested shots.

It weirds me out a little/makes me sad/confuses me that I have all these vaccines available to me while so many in the world do not. One shot and a few pills and I should be good to go for the most part.

So whew... exciting. I have to admit as each thing has gotten checked off the list I have breathed a sigh of relief. Sometimes when something this amazing comes we (well at least I) can have the tendency to wait for the bottom to drop out of it... not always... I'm pretty optimistic, but still. Fear of disappointment pops up now and again. Getting my Dr's consent signature out of the way was the biggie. YES!!! Take that digestive issues and weird thyroid ... you don't run the show. Seriously, though... so thankful that as God has put a desire in my heart to go and see and learn and impact the world that He is making a way.

Run ragged by the self of me
that doesn’t want to miss a thing
Or a beat
Or get beaten for that matter
By whom or what I don’t know
I’m not competitive really
More contemplative, to be honest
Just don’t want to be the one who isn’t
Or didn’t
Or missed it
Or wasn’t.

I was thinking about my "bag of bills" and other random paperwork that I really need to go through. I've been carrying it around every day, but not doing anything with it... and combined with other thoughts this came out...

************

I know you have regrets that you don’t like to speak of

Worries you can’t quite voice

There’s a weight on your back like a 2x4

You wear it like you have no choice

You don't have to carry them around all the time

Like the bills you just can’t pay

Glancing at the debt every once in a while

Hoping they'll all go away

Like wearing a sling when your arms not broke

Like a bandage without the blood

The burden of the lies you’ve told yourself

Is a blister where no shoe has rubbed

Always -

Last night we had rehearsal with our worship team and it was a really powerful night for me (even after the technical difficulties)... I needed it. I was still thinking about some lyrics to the song "You Won't Relent" when I got home and wrote something...

Many waters
many floods
cannot quench
what always was
ever is
still shall be
an "us" to span eternity

Not one person
No other friend
provides a love
that never ends
never started
always was
Forever with me
Always us.

Happy Anniversary Aaron and Sherri

It was 2 years ago this coming Monday that Aaron and Sherri were married. I will never forget the look that Aaron had on his face when Sherri walked down the aisle... pride, joy, awe, excitement, responsibility... it was really really wonderful to see.

I have loved Sherri since I met her. In fact, when they had just started dating... Aaron told me he could envision Sherri and I being friends even if their dating relationship didn't last. He was right ... I love Sherri. I love the way she loves my brother AND my family. I love that she is the perfect wife for Aaron and that God gave them to each other at just the right time... and since I never had a sister, now I have the next closest thing!!!

I'm so excited for my brother and his wife as they celebrate their anniversary this weekend!!! Praying for all their dreams to keep coming true as they hold them open handed to God.

Seasonal Change

The season is changing
it's felt in the air
in the clouds sky and leaves
everywhere

Time has a pattern
the tick of the clock
it resonates in every step
that we walk

A season is changing
from diner to shore
from rivers and creeks
to a now open door

Expectations of summer
the temperatures past
float down with the leaves
who's color won't last

It doesn't quite matter
how much we prepare
for the change of the season
the weight of the air

All seasons keep changing
for thats what they do
bringing life, bringing death
while cycling through

The passing of time
from minute to day
reminds us that seasons
were not meant to stay

Better Late? Late Better?

I was sitting here thinking about how I'm doing a lot of my most summer-y fun stuff here at the end of the summer. (and thinking I sure wish I had time to play hookie this week). I almost started grumbling and getting sad about it. But you know, I have savored the past couple of weekends. I played in the waves and strolled the boardwalk last weekend like a child (literally was told by my friends that I looked like a little kid in the waves). I swam around in the lake yesterday with my friends children, dove off the dock, drank sangria and delicious blackberry wheat ale, clung to the tube for dear life and had chill, summer fun. I wonder if the water felt more refreshing, the sangria sweeter and the conversations more meaningful because they were extra special? I think maybe. So. I'm going to be glad for those few special summer moments had and the ones still to come the next couple of weeks as I look ahead to Autumn and it's crisp, cool wonderfulness!

***i did have a lot of other fun summer moments... but I LOVE the water so I was mostly referring to the lack of days on the water that I realized I missed. :)

Our message at church this past week by Chris Weber inspired me to write this:

My life’s not up and to the right
In fact most times I’m wrong
To walk a mile in my shoes
To you, may not seem long
An hour can be forever
A year feel like a breath
Each step we take does bring us
One day closer towards our death
Though I am not discouraged
In fact I walk with joy
Though troubles come and life can suck
I never am destroyed
I’m carried through each trial
There’s light down paths I fear
With whispers of forever
Always spoken in my ear
The friend who sees my turmoil
The one who reprimands
Is that same friend who walked it first
In fact He understands
My life’s not up and to the right
Nor neither was my Lords
Who walked this road and paid a price
I never could afford.

Signals

Is it the nose that itches or the eye that twitches
I get confused between the two
Is it you that is thinking of someone
or they who are thinking of you

When my palms get sweaty should I get ready
For good things to come my way
Is the anticipation part of the equation
Allowing the good thing to stay?

The energy, tension, the change of direction
The guessing, the wondering the doubt
The process of knowing, and learning and growing
While trying to reason this out.

Worlds colliding
Intersecting
Ribboned memories
Projecting
Thoughts from your minds movie
Scenes from seas to city streets

You who were
Is someone else
He who was
Is not the same

Life’s like a revolving door
You can’t go back the way you came

Time is breaking
Hearts escaping
Moments, Memories
In the making
Thoughts from your minds movie
Scenes from home to yonder town

What was once important
Is now a fleeting thought
Yesterday’s a day behind
Today is now, tomorrow’s not.

"Getting My Crap Together"

I'm fairly careful with my language ... well, for the most part. I realized this weekend how often I use the word "crap". It became sort of a joke; but I thought... hm, there are far better words I could be using. More descriptive. Funnier. Less that refer to bodily functions. Crap...I don't want to be a potty mouth.

A Song?

Loving You (I picture this being a song building with intensity)

If I could be in charge of just one thing
And it was up to me to choose
My choice would be to love you
To love you. To love you.

If I had one purpose one sure duty
Just one thing for me to do
I’d live my life to love you
Just Love you. Just love you.

I was made for this
I was made for this
I was made for this
I was made for this

I want to be found perfecting What it’s like to give myself to you
I will drop what I am doing just to give to give to give to you.

Perfect this love
Perfect this kiss
This is my purpose
This is my wish.

I was made for this
I was made for this
I was made for this

Flip Flops and Heels... Or... I'm Too Sexy for These Shoes

Yes. I’m writing a blog about shoes… well sort of.

I was thinking about shoes. I LOVE my flip - flops and sandals… I live in them over the summer and probably inappropriately during the other seasons of the year. I like that they are easy. They are comfortable. Don’t require much thought. Easy to take off and put on. Are always there when I want them (usually by my bed or my door). I don’t mind if they get a little dirty/messed up because they are cool with that. They are wonderful.

What about heels? Ok, I am not super dressy, but this girl likes a sexy pair of heels with the right little dress. J They are usually treated with extra care. Exciting. Noticed. Mostly worn with a planned out outfit. I like them. Guys do too. (I think I’ve heard they were designed by men because of how they make women’s legs look. It’s true, they do make our legs look extra great.)

I’ve tried to classify myself… am I a flip-flop or a high heel? You know what? I’m not picking! What’s wonderful about being a woman? You can wear both. You can own both… You can BE both a flip - flop and a strappy heel. You can wear a skirt with flip - flops or a pair of jeans with stilletos. Whichever I wear… I’m just gonna rock em… or just kick them off and have happy, sexy, naked feet.

Event Relationships

One of the things about music festivals that I most look forward to is seeing those people that are like family that I get to do these events with. I was thinking about it last night... it is wonderful and yet terrible. There are people that I look forward to seeing all year and then only get to have maybe one (possibly) decent conversation and then a bunch of quick hello's as we bump into each other on our way to our next task. There's still comradery just in that; but for me it's hard. I also have acquired some sort of festival A.D.D. where I can't stay in one place or have one conversation for very long before I have to DO something... so it's just nuts. Even if I'm sequestered in an office for the most part of the festival... I still feel antsy and have trouble concentrating on conversations.

I wonder what to do with that? Facebook is good for keeping tabs on each other, but yeah... I'd love to be able to keep in GOOD touch with everyone. Unfortunately I realize it's just not realistic. Heck, my brother commented the other day on how long it has taken to find a free night to have dinner together...

So, it's a good problem... having the opportunity to meet and get to know so many amazing people... just hard to know how to properly invest into everyone. Plus I'm not much of a small talker... I'd rather TALK then just talk... know what I mean?

Pleasure?

I've heard myself use the words "guilty pleasure" a lot lately... in reference to a song, movie, reality show, drink... or some such... whatever. AKA... soft serve ice cream cones from McDonalds... 1.05 with tax, low in calorie... mmm... guilty pleasure.

But I don't really find much pleasure in guilt (nor do I want to)... and don't usually ACTUALLY feel guilty. Soooo maybe I need to come up with some other phrases for those things like:

• I feel sheepish that I "X"
  
• I know I'm ridiculous but I ...
  
• I admit it... I know all the lyrics to
• I shamelessly...
  
• I like to "X". Guilty as charged... (is using guilty in this way the same, hm?)
  

Or...uh, over analyze much? Perhaps.

Noticing

I have this one neighbor ... huge family that we (my roommate and I) have lovingly dubbed the Russian mafia just because of all the people coming and goingsin their house... and they are Russian.

The man of the house is usually outside smoking, puttering around and watching the goings on of the neighborhood. Very nice... has helped me shovel out before, etc. The other day I was coming home from somewhere and he communicated to me (he doesn't speak much english) that he had noticed I was sick... but that I look better... and had a concerned look on his face...kind of miming that I was weakly stumbling around and then kind of showed he was glad I was better. wow. I was touched... Today as I was rushing out the door to my car, I was thinking about that and hoping if the shoe was on the other foot that I would have taken the time to notice and to say something, too.

in other amazing news

I will be using my passport in September.

never alone

Life has been insane lately... I think most of the people that read this blog know that I've had some crazy health stuff going on that threw me for a loop the last few weeks... so I won't re-hash it all right now... we're all probably tired of those details. I know I am.

However, I do not tire of saying how freaking, amazing, wonderful and a plethora of other adjectives and adverbs my friends and family are. I am surrounded by love. I know that it all flows through my God... and through the people that are in my life. As alone as I felt when I was sick and confused at why... as much as I cried out "God, what am I supposed to do?"...I also had that inner knowing that I was cared for and carried.

I like this pic of the person being carried away by balloons...it also reminds me of "UP" which I watched with my brother in the hospital... and I will never forget that, for many reasons. Including the huge super cool card he made me and the way he has been so so good to his big sister.

consolation

According to the Mary Kay lady, I have droopy eyes. Consolation: the nice way of saying that is "Bedroom Eyes".

I feel a little like this today

Doing New Things

Life has been a whirlwind lately... I do a pretty decent job of keeping my calendar full just about to the point of ridiculousness with all the stuff on it... but I do have to say I'm excited about the way life has been lately... I've gotten to do a lot of new things... like backpacking/biking camping, learning some home improvement stuff while helping Chris and Melody with the new house... and tomorrow is my first 5 mile race. What am I thinking... aaaah. A little nervous, but have made it my motto lately not to say I can't do anything.

I'm also wondering about some of the new things I'm doing... gee couldn't being able to rough it, knowing how to do some basic construction, and getting into shape be beneficial for me when I take that missions trip I'm GOING to take. Not sure what to do next with that whole scenario. I feel like I've put it out there to one of the key people that I wanted to, so now I need to figure out what's next, and wait, and pray... we shall see.

Why do I ignore my anchor
Floating round my destiny
Acting like I’m compassless
Equipped yet lost at sea

I threw my anchor deep today
It found the rocky ground
My support is sure and strong
I won’t be tossed around

Tension and Counter Balance

Last night I was at York Swing Dance Club’s monthly blues lesson/clinic. Blues dancing, like most dance, relies heavily on connection and chemistry. To even begin to get there, tension and counter balance are key. I’ve been taking lessons for a little while in this specific dance and some of the areas I struggle with are being patient (not assuming I know where the lead is trying to take me), keeping the tension (keeping my hold firm and “sitting into” the position), and reading the leads tension to give back the same counterbalance. The stretch/tension is actually the best part but sometimes we/I want to rush past it to find the next part of the move…

As I was laying in bed falling asleep last night; I started thinking about how much these lessons can be taken into other aspects of life and how I struggle with similar things there, too. Just like in dance, there’s always more to learn in order to really fully experience every beat of life.

Conflict and Direction

I just returned from "An Evening with Donald Miller". It was a totally different "lecture" than the last time I saw him. The last time was more story telling/fireside chat...This one was more academic... being held at Messiah, he catered in that student/teacher/scholarly direction. Very thought provoking... but again touching on the issues of our lives as stories with conflict. That being a Christian doesn't remove the conflict from the story. That God doesn't "control" us on purpose because love is not controlling. He Shepherds us, but doesn't desire to control us...per se. He gives us our lives with a big piece of burlap paper to color on... Our lives are all about relationship with him. Many many many good and challenging things.

I'm left thinking about my story again. i'm excited that I'm out living it. I'm excited that God gives us all these amazing things to do with Him and yes, sometimes He very clearly lets us know that we should turn left... and sometimes He hands us a map and says, where do you long to go? What do you long to do? I want to go with you.

Running and Finishing

I finished my first 5K race on Saturday... the YWCA Race Against Racism. It was awesome... the massive crowd of runners, the nervous excitement before the race, running with my friend Tandy and my sister in law and friend Sherri, seeing so many friends out on race day, the overwhelming support of my brother and friends, but of course... finishing was the best part. 35:45 was my time. I was happy with that. My first 5K race and I had only ever run that distance one other time... so it was a big deal. I have another one this coming Saturday and plan to keep running consistently and training to run 5 miles as my next goal and also to cut time off my 5K. I will keep running.

Misty Edwards has a song "I Will Run". Some of the lyrics are " I will run the race set before me. I will seek Your face As the prize of my life. All I want is You
All I crave is You. My – soul – pants - for - God - and - God - alone". I actually was thinking of this while I was running... when I felt like quitting... not this specific song, but that I am running this race that I cannot and will not quit on. This faith walk with God. With Him as the prize in the end and also Him as my biggest cheer leader! All I want is You or the things that flow from you.

Opening the Door

I FINALLY went to the Perfunctory Court office (like using that word) and registered for my passport. There's something about having that step done... I have no details worked out yet for travel, yet I feel like finally making this move is a huge step forward to me...like cracking open the door to missions. The money involved in a passport isn't much for most people, but for me it is.

So now I need to start gathering details... I have friends in mind to talk to. I didn't want to talk to certain missionary friends of mine before I was truly serious. I don't want to be "that person" who says yeah, it would be great to go and then never does. I'm sure they hear that all the time. So now what? Well pray...of course... that's a given and a constant. But what practical things do I need to do to start a plan? I can get bogged down with the unknown of details... or even the known... which is why I can sometimes have money in the bank and not pay a bill on time... or was going to get a tax refund but waited until the last minute to file... Weird, eh.

So anyway... a step, an action, a move has been made... now getting over the threshold.

Shutters

Shutters

Open close open close
Doors like shutters flutter

What was yes becomes a no
What once was no is wait
Just wait
For now

Open close open close
Hearts like doors are hinged

What I hope and what I dream
What I first claimed as mine
Is mine
No more

Open shut open shut
Eyes like windows close

What I see is only part
What’s truly meant to be
Will be
In time.

Doors

So, remember yesterday... you know that whole new mercies thing. Totally true. :) Where one door closes, one opens...

In fact, my one friend (that I apologize to for my attitude) responded to my apology and said "i don't say this to be trite, but i do believe that your time is coming. a time where the Lord will open up doors that you've wanted opened for a long time - and doors that you forgot you wanted opened :)"

So here has been my last 24 hours...

My run last night was literally a God send. JUST what THE Dr ordered. I spent a little time practically vomiting all over God and then just shut up and that was the best part. Not only did I literally pound out the junk with God on the sidewalk, I finally managed to run an entire 5K. Woo hoo.

Worship at Gateway House of Prayer last night... musically nothing spectacular on my end... in fact I made some mistakes... but was FULL of joy... and purpose. Jimmy spoke on creating a Highway for God and I am all over it. I need to go back and listen to the message again because it really spoke to my heart. I am available. I want to advance the Kingdom.

Today... new attitude. Happy. Laughing. Feeling purposeful. 2 significant possible opportunities popped up from out of nowhere to do things that I love and things that God has been asking me to do. It was like God said listen ... let me open and close the doors.

Being Plowed

I'm having one of those weeks where I am very aware of the state of my heart. Today as I was driving around running errands for work, I realized I am a garden and God is doing some plowing...some digging around. I asked Him to, so why am I surprised? But ow.

It's like I can almost physically feel Him "mucking with" the roots of pride, jealousy, envy, etc etc. To the point that I literally am nauseated with myself. Wow. I mean, I'm literally disgusted with my thoughts and where I can see them coming from. God... do what I've asked and refine me. Make me a garden where your fruit can grow and become ripe and beautiful and delicious.

Tonight I'm going for a run after work. I'm anxious to pound out some of my frustrations on the pavement...and talk to God about this process... Keep humbling me. Don't let me shorts fall off or anything... but do what you will.

Writings

The two most recent things I wrote come from such different places...

The first one, I wrote while at Gateway House of Prayer...to God.

Overtake Me

Everything goes 80 miles per hour
Everyone runs as if chasen
May my running be toward you
my movement be for you
and all of my heart overtaken

The second one... I had an image from a past experience in my head... and some memories...
Did You Have To?

Oh no, oh no
Say it isn’t so
I can’t bear to watch you go
I can’t stand to hear your feet
Walk away so sad and slow

I had a feeling it’d end this way
I had a hunch you wouldn’t stay
But oh not today… not today.

Oh my, oh my
Not time for goodbye
While reds and pinks flood the sky
While lips and arms still tingle
Did you have to take me so high
To bring me down so low

more love

I want to love better. I am loving but I don't always manifest it. For example... I would tell you that I love everyone... when in fact there are people I don't act loving toward at all. There are people I ignore, laugh at, snub, disdain... what's that all about? My desire in my heart of hearts is to be real and to love authentically. I do realize that I'm not Jesus... His love never fails. Mine will. But I know that it has a lot more potential.

35

Wishing I hadn't waited 35 years to figure it out... and hoping that I keep it up another 35.. or however long I have left to live.

bottomless pit?

Today I feel like I could literally eat a horse. I won't though. :)

reminded again

This morning I had breakfast with my friend Laura. It was great to start my Monday a little late, enjoy some delicious coffee and fruit/yogurt parfait at Prince ST Cafe... but most importantly to sit and talk with Laura.

Laura spent a year in Haiti teaching at the YWAM base in St. Marc. When I shared about God stirring some things in my heart with her about missions (specifically to Haiti) several weeks ago, she was quick to say... we need to sit down and talk. I want to hear all about what God is doing. Laura is so good at encouraging and listening and asking questions. We realized we have some more personality traits in common than we realized as we talked about sometimes getting bogged down by the details (for example I still need to get my passport)... which is step 1. lol.

But it was so good. I made the decision not to look at my watch/phone for the time even though I knew I didn't want to be too late for work... so we were there over an hour and it was good. (I think getting into a culture where you spend less time caring about time would be good for me)

I was reminded to remember what God started stirring in me. To keep it before Him and ask questions. To be open in my spirit to whatever comes next, and to take some time to sit and chat over coffee and forget about the rest of the world and it's pull every once in a while.

Reminded

Last night I went to the Awake Tonight Tour concert. It was the first time in a while I have been to one of "our" concerts. I used to always go... but haven't so much as of late. I think it was really good and important for me to be there. I was reminded to appreciate what I am a part of here at CMI and WJTL.

The concert was so good. All 3 bands were quailty. The stage performances were impressive and high energy... and the message was present. Jesus did not get forgotten amidst all the crazy flames, lights, video and various stage changes. The message was loud and clear.

It's an interesting balance when you work behind the scenes not to forget to appreciate what we are actually doing out there! I don't think it's a bad thing that I don't get out to everything as much as I used to... I've learned the balance of having a life and friends outside of work. :) But, I do think it's key to get out and see what we're doing to remember there are thousands of faces behind the mailings, emails, phone calls, etc. etc. etc.

Yesterday

... could easily have become a bust... My legs were sore from the previous days work out, I felt guilty for eating crap at lunch, I didn't feel super productive at work, had to pay a parking ticket of $45, had to eat humble pie in dropping off my rent check late (and gave it to the babysitter), I hit a curb and busted my tire and had to buy a new one.... uuuuugh.

I also got some news about a friends health that was not really encouraging...

HOWEVER... it was a gorgeous sunny day. My friend Chris who I might as well call my big brother (even though we are not related, and he is younger than me)... helped me change my tire to a spare. This was no easy feat considering how tight and rusty the bolts were!

Oh... and I had the best run of my life... I'm on the 1st Run of Week 5 in my 9 week program... This one was (3) 5 minute intervals of running and I felt great... next run is (2) 8 minutes and the third will be a 20 minute run! Woo Hoo. I felt so alive and happy out there.

Then, at Gateway House of Prayer last night I heard God clearly speaking to my heart, reminding me I am never outside of His Love. Reminding me that my friends are never outside of His love. The suffering in Haiti and all over the world are never outside of His Love.

So, yesterday was trying and frustrating, but also a really really amazing day.

naive or cynical?

I was sitting here at my desk thinking, hmph... (rather smugly)... I'd rather by naive than cynical... and was preparing to get my thoughts together and blog about it... but then I remembered that we are to be "wise as serpents/harmless as doves"... with faith like a child, innocent but not lacking judgement...Hm still processing... but my point was I do NOT ever want to become cynical... that I do know.

Love, Wisdom and Creeps

I'm trying to process some thoughts about my attitude when it comes to people who are "creepy"... now to be clear... I don't mean people I find unattractive or people that are different... I mean people that say things that are inappropriate/make me uncomfortable or in the case of the dance scene...people that I can tell are not treating me with respect...

Yesterday I felt like God was trying to get me to think about my heart attitude. It's a tricky thing. I know that it's we need to use wisdom (especially as women) with our boundaries and how we interact with people who seem to have questionable intentions toward us. There are people I've dealt with at dancing that I've had to come to a place where I won't dance with them because too many comments were made about watching my body, too many uncomfortable dance moves, etc... I have come to a place where I think it's ok and right to say no to a person that makes me feel uncomfortable. In fact I have addressed it on one occasion and made it clear that I didn't appreciate the comments, and it happened again... so. But still... how should my heart feel toward this person, or people in general that give me the creeps? I'm supposed to love them. I'm trying to find that balance of loving with wisdom... not detesting the person... but not making myself vulnerable... man that's tricky.

Yesterday I was out for a run... mid day... totally safe time of day... and I passed 2 men. I smiled at them... just smiled... and after they passed me they made some comment about swinging my hips.... I got so angry... but then wondered... how am I supposed to feel toward people like that. I'm supposed to love them... I can be disgusted by their conduct... but how do I love them. Wow, it's hard. How does God do it... love us... who totally treat him with disrespect...in all of our sin and disgusting creepiness sometimes. Wow. It's tough. I can only do it with His help.

There is talk of a possible blizzard this weekend... and I am whirling around the office like a 2 year old. I must be nuts. I know that if it happens it will mean hours of work, hours of shoveling, and missed plans... but for some reason I still get excited.

Speaking of excited... my cousins and I have been organizing a reunion for Easter weekend/Meme's birthday. It will be the first time in a while that we have all gotten together, specifically the cousins. I'm really excited for it. I miss the days of us all going to Meme and Pepe's for holidays, us kids escaping for walks in the woods or down the dead end dirt road... I'm hoping for a chance to sit around and talk and laugh. I'm also thankful that we are getting this together before it happens for another funeral. In our big family, they come all too often.

In exercise world... I was excited to up the ante on some of my weights again last night... though today I'm feeling it in my arms and back. Still loving Body Jam and dancing like a maniac shaking my bootay, too. Soooo glad Erica got me hooked! lol. Tonight is running... Couch to 5 K, Week 2 Run 3. Yee haw.

Why Don't We Just Dance

Love that song.

I was thinking about it this morning in the way of Joy and Victory and Fun and Life. "Well it might be me, but the way I see it the whole world has gone crazy, so baby why don't we just dance"... Why DON'T we dance in the face of the crap in our life? Why DON'T we dance for joy? We, who have Jesus, have the promise of an everlasting life. Why DON'T we just dance because it's fun? Because it's healthy? Because we are to come to Him like children...

Obviously, I know that there is a time and a season for everything. For some of us, it might not be a time to dance today...but it will be again someday soon. And for many of us... it is and we just aren't.

Electrictiy and Couch to 5K Wk 2 Day 2

Last night I did my 2nd run on week 2s podcast...it's a 5 minute brisk walk warm up, then 6 intervals of 90 second run, 2 minute walking then 5 minute cool down. Yay, I can do this.

I am a ball of energy. Some fueled by the exercise, but more the last couple of weeks fueled by what the Lord is doing in me... I just know it. It's like electricity, life, joy, hope and anticipation and I don't even know quite what for yet... but I do know that I am determined to be open to it.

I have heard from so many powerful, inspiring, anointed people the past several days... and I have been challenged to move. The voice that is ringing the most in my ears right now, though, is the one that is saying get ready, get ready, get ready in my heart and churning up something I've never felt before.

God, don't let me breeze past this moment of availability. Shoot me like a rocket where ever you want me whether that be around the block or across the world.

A Blank Canvas

What a difference it makes to look at life and see the possibilities rather than the missed ones. Each day is a blank canvas for God to write on. Each breath is another gift. There is so much more to life than we are living. There is so much more to see than we open our eyes to and to hear than we listen for.

Lately God has been reminding me how available I am and asking me what I am willing to do with that fact. When the sky is the limit... it's a really exciting place to be... scary too; but I'm willing to jump off the cliff if I know He is there to catch me.

an email I sent to my dad.

Dear Dad,

Thank you. I have a new appreciation for all the hard work you did/do at home with shoveling/snow blowing/ keeping up property. Considering you had all our land, house, barns and out buildings to deal with and I just have a few feet of sidewalk and a car length of shoveling to deal with... I have a new appreciation for all the hours of work that you do through out the Winter at home on top of your many hours at your job. I always took that and so much else that you do for granted... and today I want to thank you.

Love,
Stacey

something i wrote

I wrote this over the past couple of weeks... don't worry, it's not quite as autobiographical as it sounds...

I can’t help wondering how you are
Or imagining how you feel
I try to stop my mind in its track
But it only has one rail

I struggle to erase my thoughts
As they race through the days gone by
I close my eyes and they’re all right there
as clear as today sometimes

Tromping and rummaging through my head
All The Memories of your face
Sensations I will never forget
How I felt in your embrace

I wasn’t made for goodbyes
Forever is written within me
although our ever after has passed
my first love you’ll always be

Couch to 5 Feet... of snow. :)

That's it. I'm ready to ski...

In other news... I'm sleeping at the office again tonight... and just a peek into how ridiculous I am... I actually got excited about coming back in. Granted, that loses it's luster after about a 1/2 hour of staring at the computer and doing cancellation data entry... but there is a weird little adrenaline rush out of it all.

Anyway... in exercise news... today I shoveled. Nuff said.

Couch 2 5 K Week 2 Day 1, Beginnings of a Blizzard

I'm writing this blog in my froggy fleece pajamas, in my office with the lights out and the air mattress pumped up and ready to go. It's been snowing for a while now, I'm not sure how many inches we've gotten, but a few of us have decided to hunker down for the night so we can take care of the radio station bright and early.

I was able to break away from "snow crew" for a couple of hours at the end of the day and made it to the gym. Sadly, when I went to turn on my ipod, I realized that it wasnt working (hopefully just needs a charge) so I did my run counting in my head... 90 seconds of running, 120 seconds of walking... I'm sure it wasn't quite what it should have been... but I got a run in and also did some sit ups and push ups. No blizzard is keeping me down :)

Sunny Sunday, Couch 2 5K Run 3 Woo Hoo

Yesterday was a beautiful day... I was sooo thankful for a break from snow crew... and for church. The drive was snowy and sunny and gorgeous... I was excited for worship and it was a really great service. I felt power when I sang and there was a great time of spontaneous worship where everyone seemed to be flowing on the same wave.

After church I headed to the gym prepared to do my 3rd run in the program and finish out week one. While I was changing in the locker room I heard, "Hey, there's a Stacey" and my friend Shirley was there. I ended up joining her for "Jazzercise" and then going for my run. Jazzercise was not quite as "jazz hands" as I expected.. it was a fine work out but nothing like Body Jam as far as level of intensity for me. I'd do it again for a Sunday workout, but not sold...

Shirley joined me for the 3rd installment of my running program. Hooray. The track at the gym was more crowded than normal, but that's my only complaint. It was fun to run with a partner, though I think I might be more apt to push harder when I go by myself. The run was fun. I could talk and run at the same time. I'm ready for week 2. WOO HOO.

Last night I went to a fun Superbowl party... I watched none of the game, ate and talked and then snuck out early to go swing dancing... it was a small crowd with just the right people there for a great night...

Tonight... Body Jam... Tomorrow... more snow.

Blizzard 2010

It came. It snowed. It conquered. Wow.

So I was right about the plans getting canceled, but was reminded that snow days actually mean no down time for me... oh well... i guess there can be worse things than having to be online all day for work. :)

Funny story from today. I went out for a round of shoveling the sidewalk, only to head back in and realize I had locked myself out. ZOINKs. After attempting to shove the front door open and slightly freaking out, I made my way around to the back of the house. The door to the kitchen wouldn't budge so I headed to the roof and thankfully was able to get the window open... Wooo hoo. Let me tell you, though... there was a lot of snow on that roof (which I should go shovel)... and it is freaky walking on a roof when you can't see it through the snow. But I got in and all is well.

I love the snow. It's a lot different when you are an adult though, But it's not all bad. I work with a great team. Everyone pitches in to get things done... I've worked a pretty long day today, but someone stepped up so I don't have to tomorrow like I was supposed to. Woo Hoo... and not all my plans got ruined. Soon, my brother and sister in law will be over for dinner... there's food ready to be eaten, including some chocolate chip cookies that I may or may not have sampled 2 or 3 of while they were warm... oops... then back to work

Couch to 5 K Week one, 2nd Run and stuff

Today started off with a burst... I made it to my 1 hr "Body Pump" class at the gym and then ran my 2nd of 3 runs for the week for the Couch to 5K. I definitely was feeling ready to be done by the last couple of intervals... but it wasn't too bad... Woo hoo.

It was a good feeling to get so much done so early... I even made it to the grocery store before work... although the place had been ravaged by the blizzard buyers... I honestly was just out of food... I would have gone today snow or no snow... :) (and there was plenty of bread and milk... but not so much on the produce... interesting... New Years resoluters?)

We're supposed to get blasted with a blizzard... all my weekend plans are up in the air, but I actually don't mind. Some free time/down time/spontaneous city fun is on the horizon... and some extra hours at work for snow crew... wee.

Couch to 5 K Day One Week One

I'm 35 and I've NEVER been a runner. Ever. or a jock of any sort. I played basketball in 8th grade and was no good. I tried summer camp with field hockey but nope. Sixth grade soccer... I was a sweeper, I think it's called... defense... little to no running required. I could walk all day... but running was my enemy. Later in life, well lets just say I was carrying a lot around to try to run with... and actually it was the furthest thing from my mind.

Welp... last summer I had tried to challenge myself to mix some running in with my walking, but didn't have a ton of success... mostly because I was doing it for the wrong reasons, I think. So, recently when I was walking and threw in some runs, I noticed that i could run much further without almost dying. :)

Well, my friend Erica had told me about this couch to 5k podast program, and I was interested. Today I plugged in my ipod and hit the sidewalks. (by the way, re-thinking the whole cut off sweats thing on a cold/snowy day... my legs are very red).

So anyway, I did it! It's intervals of walking 90 seconds/running 60 seconds for like half an hour or so. It was actually fun and the minutes didn't seem that long. I'm excited. I don't know how faithful I'll be with the program considering that I am going to classes at the gym 2-3 x a week and dancing 2-3x a week... but I'm going to keep challenging myself to incorporate running into my lifestyle and workouts and who knows, you may just see me out there at one of those 5ks in the future!

I know so many people and I love so many people... then there are people I think gee, I want to know you, how can I know you? How CAN I? There are only 24 hours in a day. How do we love the people we need to love well enough in that amount of time? Only by God's grace, that's for sure. I think about the conversations I have and realize that I need to be so much more present... conversations with friends, family, God... I'm so easily distracted and so often unaware of the needs of the people around me...while so selfishly aware of my own needs, desires, agendas. Again, like I said in a previous post... may I be more present in each moment.

This Sunday we sang "Fling wide the doors to my soul, open up the door to my heart have your way" to God... and yesterday I think He said alright then... here we go... yesterday I think God started asking me if I was willing to change my plans for vacation in the spring... To be continued...

What is it about sad songs that I love so much? I'm in love with the blues... because I can feel the song in my bones, in my inner core, practically. Some songs feel like a prayer to me... like the Yael Naim song "Lonely"... it literally rips me apart... it's such a slow moving song. I'm going to try to learn to sing it, but it's going to take a lot of restraint to sing it properly. But back to the point.. the blues... relating to someone else's pain, diving into it and saying, " I feel you" maybe? The groove of the music, definitely... and dancing to it... oh dancing to the blues is amazing to me... because you have to feel the music and the connection with your lead. I like to close my eyes and figure out how the music and the very slight movements of the lead are trying to to move me. Being moved by music...yeah, I love it.

My first inclination is not usually to pray. It's to do. To help. To fix. To listen. To discuss. To make you smile or laugh or anything... I have to fight my flesh and fight it and fight it. I know in my head that I can't fix anything... especially this, but I stew, and text, and write and cry and wonder... then I pray. So backwards.

I want to suck the pain out... like they tell you to do when a person gets a venomous snake bite... suck out the pain and spit it out...

I know the medicine doesn't always taste sweet right away... sometimes there is bitterness first. I know that masking the taste doesn't help... but I want to do something more.

I feel like I'm sitting behind a soundproof window screaming.

I know it is not for me to fix, because it has already been done. I know that the pain is being carried, the load lightened, the heart healed, the wounds cleansed... I'm thankful for that.

For now I'll pray, and hope and cry for you and wait for the day that things look brighter, taste better, and you feel that peace that is already within you.