Sunday, March 20, 2005

Going a Little Deeper

I wrote in My Other Blog about some great things that have happened this weekend. I want to Spring-board off that a little here. I feel like I really had a realization at church today. It was a DUH lightbulb moment. I HAVE NOT BEEN PRAYING. Besides the quick mumblings and prayers for others...I have not invested any of myself into my most valuable relationship in a long while. If I were God, I would be calling me a bitch right about now. After everything with my surgeries and how wonderful I feel physically compared to back in November when I was writhing in pain at times!!! I might as well be the friend who uses someone to get into a party and then goes off and hangs out with the cool you see in some of those teen movies. It's like I've used Him.

I've been depressed. Blah, Blah, Blah. I mentioned the scratching and clawing a couple of entries ago. That's not completely true. I've been lazy. I've allowed myself to emotionally shut down constantly rather than dig in and get to the bottom of stuff. I've invested time into entertaining myself, appeasing myself and satisfying myself, most of which is o.k...but I've been irresponsible and neglected a lot of things at the same time. (This doesn't mean I'm not going to watch The Incredibles this just means I need to find balance).

I hope for today to be a turning point. Last night at the banquet I was at, I actually felt pretty confident. I was excited for Karen, so that gave me extra joy. I had on a new outfit and heels and makeup and my new hair-do and felt really happy about how I looked...even after spending a lot of time finding something that fit in the stores. Of course this is all temporary high stuff.

Today in church...I guess it was just one of those moments. I think it was at the end of one of the songs that kept saying "I'm not Dead" or "Gods' Not Dead". Of course I know it...but it hit home. There was prayer time at the altar and I took advantage of it. Nobody tried to make me fall down or manipulate church doesn't do that. It was just good. Then chatting with Valonda...all kinds of lights went I said earlier.

In my years of dealing with the intestinal answers did not come the way some had insinuated they would come ...a warm sensation because so and so Super Christian prayed for me and then the disappearance of the disease, a clap of hands or being thrown onto my back, enough begging and pleading, enough faith...nope...there was pain, there were YEARS of struggle, there were Doctors and there was trust involved. There was learning. Ultimately the healing has been lifelong. Now, with the other things that I'm still dealing with emotionally and physically, I have to trust. I have to remind myself all the time that He has my back, even if it NEVER makes sense to me.

Easter is next Sunday. I want to rejoice because I have been made whole and if I don't see it all...I will in the end.

1 comment:

sabbeth said...

Thanks for writing this. It made me think.